A THOUSAND MILES AWAY | Lessa

[Shininglight]

[div style="font-family: constantia; font-size: 13px; text-align: justified; width: 70%; margin: auto;"]
Despite his initial protests, Shining had ended up in the medic's station. They referred to it as the Clerics' Hide- a small, circular-like room located indoors within the Grand Circle. The entrance was blocked off with a curtain, but the windows were left unfiltered to allow light to seep in during the day. A cozy side-room, with plenty of blankets and pillows to rest on. The mid-afternoon sun peaked high overhead the entire Observatory. Shining had, at some point, fallen asleep after the trek to camp during the middle of the night. During that time, somebody had tended to most of his wounds, bandaging him up and using infection-preventive medicine. Even though he specifically said not to worry about them. They were of least concern at the moment.

Whatever. Shining wouldn't attempt to stop them from doing their job. He had woken up by now, slowly stretching his sore limbs as aches of pain shot through him. The feline stared at the strange dome ceiling above him, part of his mind telling him to get back up. He had more traveling to do, more walking. Had to keep moving. But the still-conscious part of Shining's brain reminded him that he was staying here now. Temporarily? Until he could finally recover? He didn't know for sure.

Maybe it was good to take a break, to relax for a while. Shine's journey the past few months had led him quite a long way from home. From that forest grove, where the trees and ground were painted red. Where cobblestone streets bustled with activity in a cozy village of numerous creatures, of all shapes and sizes. Where peace was the cornerstone of daily life. It was the place Shine had found himself taking up the reigns of leadership against his will. He had struggled at first, trying to fix the reputation that poor leaders before him had left behind. Trying to keep peace in a time of chaos and war all around, when tomorrow brought uncertainty.

He missed it. It'd be a lie to say anything otherwise. Shine wished he could rewind the clock of time, and do it all over ago. Do it right, do it better. Fix all of his mistakes, repair broken relationships and save his friends from pain and suffering. The tom closed his eyes, and took a deep breath.

...

He couldn't. Shine rolled onto his side, face scrunching up in anger as he unsheathed his claws. He couldn't fix anything. How many times had he tried before? How many times had he watched the past over and over again, unable to change even a single decision? Tormented by his past? He dug those claws into his right forearm, drawing blood- unnaturally gold- letting it trail down to his paws. Failure. He'd always fall short. He'd always reach out to help, yet hurt them instead. Tears welled up in his eyes, slowly falling down his cheeks.

[glow=black,2,300]MONSTER. COWARD. LIAR. BETRAYER. YOU'RE NO GOOD TO ANYONE. THEY ALL SUFFERED BECAUSE OF YOU. AND SO WILL THE NEW SOULS AROUND YOU. EVERYWHERE YOU GO, YOU BRING THE CURSE WITH YOU. SPREADING IT LIKE A DISEASE. BETTER OFF FORGOTTEN. BETTER OFF LOST. BETTER OFF DEAD.[/glow]

He wanted it to end.

[member=1523]lessa[/member]

[lessa]

✯ — The marten drifted in the depths of unconsciousness, drifting in-between darkness and restless dreams.  She had thought they wanted her to walk but they carried her.  Perhaps later she'd be irked at her useless body.  Instead she floated.  It'd been moons since she slept properly.  Truth be told she had avoided it.  Had been for some time.  Before, there were others to fight her, insist on trying to rest, though she rarely heeded their words.  Before... But that had been some time ago now.

Now the marten was frail, all skin and bones with only a fading determination - and an obnoxious hawk - to push her onward.  More than once she considered stopping.  Sometimes it seemed more reasonable but she had made her choice.  Lessa had never been the kind to back down when her mind was made.  Even so, the world seemed firmly against her.  By the time she had collapsed, she had wondered, once more, if she was getting anywhere.  That little inkling of hope, telling her maybe, just maybe she could find them if she went out there, had pulled her away from everyone else.  Friends.  Family.

It was friends and family she sought, though at this point it seemed all for nothing.  There was not a sign anywhere.

There was only one she could truly follow, letting the invisible thread tug her along.  If she could just catch up... She'd find him. 

But not the others.  Perhaps never the others.  Whose fault is that?  Maybe if she had done more... Never stopped searching, asking, looking for any clues.  No.  She had waited... Until the cycle repeated, over and over again.  Truly... She was just tired.  It was her heart that refused to give up above all else, while her mind and body faltered and argued.  She had given too much of that heart to too many who left.  She'd broken it time and time again when she just could not save them.

Smile for me. Smile.  Why had she told them to smile when she could not even manage that anymore? The marten still remembered Anakin himself - Vader then - telling her to keep smiling.  It was not worth it anymore.  Not like anyone here cared about whether or not she smiled.  It'd never been for her in the first place, always for them.  Because maybe, if she kept smiling, they'd smile too.  Then she could save them too.

Or maybe she really was stupid and naïve.  No matter what I do, something always happens.  It wouldn't be any different here... She should leave... Where's here again? As Lessa drifted away from the clutches of sleep, her brows sharply creased.  Her eyes, still heavy, remained closed.  Maybe she shouldn't even bother getting up.  The familiar smell of herbs sent a sharp pang through her heart.  Maybe they have enough poppy...

"..." Something hurt.  Something not like the rest of her body's aches.  The sore muscles, and hunger-pained stomach.  She grit her teeth, then her eyes snapped open as the pieces in her mind clicked.

"..."

"Shine… Y-you nerf!" Her dry voice cracked, unused to yelling.  No, those were not tears in her eye, she was angry.  She was... Furious… Bitter... Bruised... And some part of her relieved, that was outweighed by the fact he said a week.  It was more than a week.  It was weeks, turning into moons... Turning into a season.

She ignored anything wet trailing down her cheeks, even through the flowers that had overtaken the left half, her metal paws wobbling dangerously as she rose up.  There was not a lot of thought involved when she moved, only to express all of her feelings outwardly, aiming to practically headbutt him in the shoulder. It'd do neither of them any good; Lessa was already dizzy, but maybe it'd throw his claws off, and of course, get her message across as well.  Sort of.  Well, not in a decent way.  Not in a Lessa way.

Of course, the marten would stumble, chest heaving with the outburst, her good eye blurry.  "Wh-what's... A-a week to you... Shine?" He'd done it before.  It hadn't been willing, he'd told her that himself after the fact, but she remembered the rain of that day.  Remembered the pain and confusion.  "… W-why does ev-everyone leave me?" Her voice hitched.  Everyone.  "… Why?" Why couldn't he have been the one to stay? He told he he'd stay with her, hadn't he?  They had promised each other.  Of course, that was Christmas... Did he change his mind? Or didn't he know...?  "D-didn't you know... I woul-would've come... With you?"

She'd go to hell and back.  She still would.  She always would.  Even if her heart was broken.  Even if she pushed herself to her very limits.  She couldn't let go of the one who promised.  The one she loved as much as the stars themselves.  He had to know that.  "I-I'd go anywhere... Why?"

code by spacexual

[Shininglight]

[div style="font-family: constantia; font-size: 13px; text-align: justified; width: 70%; margin: auto;"]
A single season wasn’t the longest Shining had disappeared from the eyes of his friends. His first time leaving from Hawkclan, over three years ago, led to him leaving no sign or trail for over four seasons. An entire year away from friends and clanmates. That year… wasn’t a good time for the feline. Filled with mistakes, violence, uncontrolled anger…

The reason he had turned pacifist.

So, what was a single season compared to that? Shining had turned noticeably skinny, weak, his mind slower and perhaps damaged. What had happened in the span of those several weeks for the feline to change so drastically? What caused him to resort to self-harm to distract himself from reality? He had left his friends, his clanmates, everything behind… For what?

Not even he could smile. Not even he could find something to be truly happy about. His smiles now were fake, strained, masking the broken heart within him. Shining was caught in this endless cycle, of trying to love others and show kindness to the world- only to ruin it all in one single decision. One wrong move.

…

Something hurt. Something not like the rest of his body’s aches. The recent scars, the exhaustion in his heart. He felt that old, familiar tug. A desperation.

…

“Shine… Y-you nerf!” Her voice sounded strained, like it hadn’t been used for months. Anger and bitterness radiated in strong waves, traveling through the thread that bound them together. Shine felt it all, unleashed together at once, the bottled-up emotions exploding from pressure. He wasn’t ready for it- not in this state. The feline braced himself.

The impact itself wasn’t all that painful. He barely felt it, his muscles toughened yet numb from all the walking. The message behind it was what prompted Shining to let go of his forearm, pulling his claws out and away. But his eyes remained closed, the anger giving way to brokenness. The tears continued to run down his cheek.

Her interrogation came next. He had expected it, he had known it to come eventually. Lessa would press him for answers, an explanation, until the end of time. And Shining had evaded giving the proper answers for quite some time. Even before he left, there were secrets kept hidden. Secrets he had intended to never share.

But he had to tell. She deserved to know. Even if the truth hurt.

Shining opened his eyes, letting the mix-matched colors take in the sight of the pine marten standing over him. “There are some places… that no one should go to…” He was quiet. “Neither willingly, nor forced… I was trying to keep you safe. T-Trying to save you from pain beyond imagination. Brokenness beyond r-repair… But it doesn’t matter what I do. I’ll always end up hurting you… one way or another.”

“That’s the curse I live with. The… incurable disease within me. It haunts me every day and night. Watching me, judging me with its…”

He fell silent.

[lessa]

✯ — "..."

Lessa thought she might just crack.  The lines in her heart were so frail now, a breeze could probably do it.  Her eyes burned.  Her chest constricted and she had to breathe slowly and practically drop back onto her hind legs.  She should not have stood so fast.  Still.  Almost protectively, she curled her tail tight around herself, trembling.  Lessa was not good at anger.  Never had been.  Even now, it drained out of her.  Hurt.  Sadness.  Emptiness.  The marten shook her head, gritting her teeth.

"Y-you really... Are an idiot," she whispered.  "Didn't ask... T-to be protected... Never did.  T-that's my job." Wasn't it?  Her entire life she'd believed in that one fact; she wanted to be a Jedi, Jedi were guardians.  Then she became a healer.  Even more so than before, Lessa took it on as a duty.  If she couldn't protect her friends, what good was she as a Jedi?  What good was she as a healer?  What good was she at all?  Maybe she just wasn't.  No wonder everyone got hurt in the end or left.

Despite all that, she'd let him in, she'd gotten attached all over again, even more strongly than every before.  But she was not going to fight that.  She'd fight for it to the end.  "D-don't you know... I'd go to h-hell... An' back... For the ones... I love?"

"I-I've never... Cared what it'd cost me... N-not once because... An-anything was worth... Protecting... Them.  T-to not... Lose someone else." Be it her legs, her ears, her heart... Lessa's eyes turned into a sharp glare, though tears still trickled down.  "A-anything is worth... B-being beside you."

At least then, neither were alone.  At least then, no matter what happened, there was the knowledge the other was there. If something happened... God forbid... At least there was a finality to it all.  Life had never given her a finality to anything.  No answers.  Hardly any real goodbyes.  Was that too much to ask for?

Any kind of hell was worth it.

"I-if it's somewhere... N-no one should go... T-then at the... Very kriffing least... T-they shouldn't go... Alone."

Lessa took in a deep shuddering breath, metal claws digging into the floor.  "… Ev-everyone I... Get close to..." How bitterly ironic, he thought the exact same thing as her.  Maybe they were both, actually cursed.  She did not know.  She had never liked thinking about it, or putting it into words.  It made too real, but it was simple fact; she made the choice to open her heart to someone, to become friends, to grow close, and they were either hurt because of her, or they simply disappeared from her life.  When all she wanted to do was help...

The world was cruel.  The world was cold.  The few, beautiful things were fragile, like flowers or out of reach, like the stars.  It was love and friendship that gave it life, but none of that was any good if she was left by herself time after time. "… You don't... Have to be alone."

"S-shine... I don't... C-care about curses... Or an-anything... I c-care... About you… M-maybe I shouldn't... I'm ju-just bad luck but... I can't help it." She wouldn't give it up, not after moons of smiles and tears, not after moons of chasing after him.

"S-so whatever... You have t-to go through... P-please, a-at least l-let me be b-beside you.  An-anything's better... Than a-alone."

code by spacexual

[Shininglight]

[div style="font-family: constantia; font-size: 13px; text-align: justified; width: 70%; margin: auto;"]
In most cases, Shining had the right idea. He let logic, wisdom, and morals guide his decisions. Leaning on emotion to make a choice had usually disastrous consequences, especially if the leading mood felt close to anger or grief or sadness. Sometimes he personally didn't feel all too happy about a decision, but if it was the right thing to do... Well, was any of that true? Perhaps Shine was the biggest hypocrite of them all. Emotion surely got the best of everyone. It wasn't logic that told him to run far away from his friends. Wisdom didn't instruct him to hide the truth. It was all fear.

A fear of the pain he'd inflict, the look in their eyes when he broke all the trust they had built up in him. The fear of being chased away, once they realized he was a monster that could barely be controlled. The fear of becoming an enemy of the people he loved. He was afraid, and didn't want to admit it. Shining thought that by hiding the truth, he'd protect everyone, even if that meant he had to live alone, in secret, in hiding. If just for a while.

If he hadn't grown close to others, it wouldn't have been problem. But was it worth suffering alone? Maybe Lessa was right; maybe he was an idiot. The scarred feline looked away in shame as his best friend began speaking. They really were on in the same. The same struggles, the same hardships of life constantly tearing and chipping away at them. No matter how much love they showed, the world always came around to bite them. Always tearing them away from friends and family, leaving them cold and alone. Broken promises. Death.

Shining was tired of being alone. Tired of running away. That's not how he'd win this fight. He had to try a different strategy. His own strength wasn't enough, no matter how much he struggled. The world wanted him to flee, to hide. Shining had played right into its evil game, hadn't he?

Not anymore.

"..." The feline looked back up. "I'm.. tired of running. Can't do it anymore. Nothing... will change... from running away..." Shining tried to stand up, the golden blood on his leg beginning to dry up. "Tired of... being alone. Being pulled away, back to... the darkness..." He stepped forward, aiming to brush himself up against Lessa, their heads next to one another. Seeking comfort, a shoulder to lean on.

Can't let them win. We won't let them win. We're stronger together.