✯ — The marten drifted in the depths of unconsciousness, drifting in-between darkness and restless dreams.  She had thought they wanted her to walk but they carried her.  Perhaps later she'd be irked at her useless body.  Instead she floated.  It'd been moons since she slept properly.  Truth be told she had avoided it.  Had been for some time.  Before, there were others to fight her, insist on trying to rest, though she rarely heeded their words.  Before... But that had been some time ago now.

Now the marten was frail, all skin and bones with only a fading determination - and an obnoxious hawk - to push her onward.  More than once she considered stopping.  Sometimes it seemed more reasonable but she had made her choice.  Lessa had never been the kind to back down when her mind was made.  Even so, the world seemed firmly against her.  By the time she had collapsed, she had wondered, once more, if she was getting anywhere.  That little inkling of hope, telling her maybe, just maybe she could find them if she went out there, had pulled her away from everyone else.  Friends.  Family.

It was friends and family she sought, though at this point it seemed all for nothing.  There was not a sign anywhere.

There was only one she could truly follow, letting the invisible thread tug her along.  If she could just catch up... She'd find him. 

But not the others.  Perhaps never the others.  Whose fault is that?  Maybe if she had done more... Never stopped searching, asking, looking for any clues.  No.  She had waited... Until the cycle repeated, over and over again.  Truly... She was just tired.  It was her heart that refused to give up above all else, while her mind and body faltered and argued.  She had given too much of that heart to too many who left.  She'd broken it time and time again when she just could not save them.

Smile for me. Smile.  Why had she told them to smile when she could not even manage that anymore? The marten still remembered Anakin himself - Vader then - telling her to keep smiling.  It was not worth it anymore.  Not like anyone here cared about whether or not she smiled.  It'd never been for her in the first place, always for them.  Because maybe, if she kept smiling, they'd smile too.  Then she could save them too.

Or maybe she really was stupid and naïve.  No matter what I do, something always happens.  It wouldn't be any different here... She should leave... Where's here again? As Lessa drifted away from the clutches of sleep, her brows sharply creased.  Her eyes, still heavy, remained closed.  Maybe she shouldn't even bother getting up.  The familiar smell of herbs sent a sharp pang through her heart.  Maybe they have enough poppy...

"..." Something hurt.  Something not like the rest of her body's aches.  The sore muscles, and hunger-pained stomach.  She grit her teeth, then her eyes snapped open as the pieces in her mind clicked.

"..."

"Shine… Y-you nerf!" Her dry voice cracked, unused to yelling.  No, those were not tears in her eye, she was angry.  She was... Furious… Bitter... Bruised... And some part of her relieved, that was outweighed by the fact he said a week.  It was more than a week.  It was weeks, turning into moons... Turning into a season.

She ignored anything wet trailing down her cheeks, even through the flowers that had overtaken the left half, her metal paws wobbling dangerously as she rose up.  There was not a lot of thought involved when she moved, only to express all of her feelings outwardly, aiming to practically headbutt him in the shoulder. It'd do neither of them any good; Lessa was already dizzy, but maybe it'd throw his claws off, and of course, get her message across as well.  Sort of.  Well, not in a decent way.  Not in a Lessa way.

Of course, the marten would stumble, chest heaving with the outburst, her good eye blurry.  "Wh-what's... A-a week to you... Shine?" He'd done it before.  It hadn't been willing, he'd told her that himself after the fact, but she remembered the rain of that day.  Remembered the pain and confusion.  "… W-why does ev-everyone leave me?" Her voice hitched.  Everyone.  "… Why?" Why couldn't he have been the one to stay? He told he he'd stay with her, hadn't he?  They had promised each other.  Of course, that was Christmas... Did he change his mind? Or didn't he know...?  "D-didn't you know... I woul-would've come... With you?"

She'd go to hell and back.  She still would.  She always would.  Even if her heart was broken.  Even if she pushed herself to her very limits.  She couldn't let go of the one who promised.  The one she loved as much as the stars themselves.  He had to know that.  "I-I'd go anywhere... Why?"

code by spacexual

✯ — "..."

Lessa thought she might just crack.  The lines in her heart were so frail now, a breeze could probably do it.  Her eyes burned.  Her chest constricted and she had to breathe slowly and practically drop back onto her hind legs.  She should not have stood so fast.  Still.  Almost protectively, she curled her tail tight around herself, trembling.  Lessa was not good at anger.  Never had been.  Even now, it drained out of her.  Hurt.  Sadness.  Emptiness.  The marten shook her head, gritting her teeth.

"Y-you really... Are an idiot," she whispered.  "Didn't ask... T-to be protected... Never did.  T-that's my job." Wasn't it?  Her entire life she'd believed in that one fact; she wanted to be a Jedi, Jedi were guardians.  Then she became a healer.  Even more so than before, Lessa took it on as a duty.  If she couldn't protect her friends, what good was she as a Jedi?  What good was she as a healer?  What good was she at all?  Maybe she just wasn't.  No wonder everyone got hurt in the end or left.

Despite all that, she'd let him in, she'd gotten attached all over again, even more strongly than every before.  But she was not going to fight that.  She'd fight for it to the end.  "D-don't you know... I'd go to h-hell... An' back... For the ones... I love?"

"I-I've never... Cared what it'd cost me... N-not once because... An-anything was worth... Protecting... Them.  T-to not... Lose someone else." Be it her legs, her ears, her heart... Lessa's eyes turned into a sharp glare, though tears still trickled down.  "A-anything is worth... B-being beside you."

At least then, neither were alone.  At least then, no matter what happened, there was the knowledge the other was there. If something happened... God forbid... At least there was a finality to it all.  Life had never given her a finality to anything.  No answers.  Hardly any real goodbyes.  Was that too much to ask for?

Any kind of hell was worth it.

"I-if it's somewhere... N-no one should go... T-then at the... Very kriffing least... T-they shouldn't go... Alone."

Lessa took in a deep shuddering breath, metal claws digging into the floor.  "… Ev-everyone I... Get close to..." How bitterly ironic, he thought the exact same thing as her.  Maybe they were both, actually cursed.  She did not know.  She had never liked thinking about it, or putting it into words.  It made too real, but it was simple fact; she made the choice to open her heart to someone, to become friends, to grow close, and they were either hurt because of her, or they simply disappeared from her life.  When all she wanted to do was help...

The world was cruel.  The world was cold.  The few, beautiful things were fragile, like flowers or out of reach, like the stars.  It was love and friendship that gave it life, but none of that was any good if she was left by herself time after time. "… You don't... Have to be alone."

"S-shine... I don't... C-care about curses... Or an-anything... I c-care... About you… M-maybe I shouldn't... I'm ju-just bad luck but... I can't help it." She wouldn't give it up, not after moons of smiles and tears, not after moons of chasing after him.

"S-so whatever... You have t-to go through... P-please, a-at least l-let me be b-beside you.  An-anything's better... Than a-alone."

code by spacexual