so like the flower that you are - wormwood

[fulzanin]

WE'LL MAKE A WAY WHERE YOU CAN FIND YOUR PLACE
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It had been circling through her mind for a few days now. That alone was starling and strange and foreign. Things often failed to linger in Feza’s mind for more than a few seconds at a time. To have something settle in her head and refuse to leave no matter what task she set herself to do was absolutely strange. It was odd. It was foreign. The snow leopard would have liked it more if it was for something else - anything else, really. Tossing it over in her mind allowed for her to stay awake and avoid sleeping. Sleeping on her issue wouldn’t work. It only made it worse. Constantly growing nightmares that forced terror into her bones and fluff and echoed through every move was not what she needed when the topic her mind was stuck on was related to such a thing. She couldn’t even fully focus on the task at paw, of sorting candy, without her eyelids dropping or her mind tumbling back again.

She needed to apologize, and it was a well deserved apology. Feza raised her fluff form, shaking her pelt, giving a mumble. Her head had dipped and jerked herself back awake, a sharp breath following the movement. An apology was in order. She had said and gone on a tangent a while ago. Feza had failed to keep everything neatly wrapped and tucked away, and her fears had spewed out on those present like a bleeding sheep. She had hurt someone’s feelings, and her own in all honesty. Wouldn’t apologizing make her feel better, too? Feza wasn’t sure. Her paws numbly nudged another bag of skittles to the side, and sighed. This was hard. She hadn’t ever had the chance to apologize for anything before. Feza hadn’t been allowed to apologize about her vibrant colors to her parents and.. that was it. The rest of her life had been spent alone, desperately craving company. And her words had shooed off the one person that had attended most of her festivities - even if it had mostly been begrudgingly or because of how chaotic they were.

“Boxy,” Feza asked, head turning to look at the nearest cardboard box, “have you ever apologized for something before? I’m, im struggling here. Anything would help.” Her blue eyes widened, hopeful, but the box didn’t respond. In Feza’s mind, they did answer her for she was not considered great enough for them to grace her with their wisdom. Her wings dropped, exhaling, kneading her paws. She felt something underneath, and lowered her head. Gummy worms. Huh.

The snow leopard snagged one of the colorful candies from the bag. Feza’s icy eyes widened with a sudden realization, a surge of consciousness through her aimless pondering. She pried through the bag until she found one that was of suitable color. Then the vibrant feline grabbed a nearby party favor bag, carefully wrapping it up, before shoving her way out the door.

In truth, Feza had only been to Wormwood’s house once before. That had been when he had initially become a Hellhound. That small form had shoved away most of her original surges of fear - the fear that was associated with lions and their sharp teeth and claws, not that of a hellhound. Yes, a hellhound should have been more scary to Feza, but it had instead brought relief. No, she had to correct herself. Two other times she had come to the lion’s household: once to tape a bell to his door and another when his wings had grown in. Feza hesitated when she finally got close. She could feel the fear bubbling, again threatening to spill out. Her teeth clenched the party bag tighter. A flap of her wings aided her over to the other’s door. Feza turned, buffeting the door with a wing to knock while her head lowered to set the bag down. “Hey, hey Wormwood!” The vibrant feline shouted. Her voice cracked a little - terror slipping through for one vowel and one alone - before swiftly returning to the regular high and excitable pitch. “I’ve got something super, super, it’s super important! Are you, you even home? It’s super important and you should, you should come and look right now.” A pleasant surprise this would be, surely. The snow leopard deeply hoped so, her unable to hide the nervous rapid flicking of her tail.

//mobile

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THE EMPTY CHAIRS WILL BE RESERVED FOR OUR PITY

[wormwood.]

There were actually quite a few ways that Wormwood and Feza proved to be very similar. In his current state, Worm definitely would have denied it until the day he died, but it was true. Both of them tended to be creatures of action, keeping their feelings and words bottled up inside and choosing to show their emotions through elaborate parties or pushing themselves to the very brink of exhaustion in order to finish just one last patrol. Ultimately, they both ended up keeping their true emotions locked away, until eventually they bubbled up and tumbled out without their permission, usually ending with other people getting hurt or feeling pity for them. Worm had done that in the past, and he liked to think he had since made up for it, which seemed to ultimately mean that it had been Feza's turn to fall apart. Surprisingly, the person that had ended up getting hurt in that exchange had been Wormwood, with false accusations hurled at him that reminded him far too much of his past, along with the despise that had been flung at him by his elders back when he was a cub. Since then, he had only seen Feza a couple of times, trying his best to just keep things professional and courteous without much emotion slipping into it. He could tell sometimes, from the way that Feza stammered or the way that the light faded from her eyes, that she felt guilty about it, her heart sinking at his cold tone and narrowed eyes. It felt like his own sort of cruelty, but it also felt like it was deserved. The implication that he would hurt another Tangler by choice? It still made bile rise in his throat whenever he thought about it. Hell, the betrayal had even come up occasionally in his conversations with V over tea, his voice becoming hoarse and angry from venting, until eventually Viera comforted him in her specific motherly way.

Wormwood had just gotten back to his small house at the edge of town from one of those very same teatime sessions, when he heard the knocking against his door. He lifted his head up from the pillows that he had been resting against, his body aching in protest after all of the chores that he had been doing lately. Feza's highpitched voice made his ear flatten for a moment, before he slowly slipped down from his bed, his long legs stretching out in front of him to ease the pain that had been afflicting him for several days now. He considered just ignoring Feza for a moment, and letting her think that he wasn't home, but eventually he decided against it, choosing instead to cave to her pleading for him to open the door. It did legitimately sound like whatever she needed was important, and while he had been a bit gruff with her lately, it wasn't as if he was a complete dick. Slowly moving over to the large wooden door that served at his safeguard against the outside, Wormwood pulled it open and blinked when he saw the brightly colored female standing there. She had a party bag with her, and he immediately felt like running for the hills, but he held himself back yet again, the lion's head tilting to one side as he questioned, his silvery blue eyes glancing both between his fellow guardsman and the gift that she carried with her, "Yes, Feza? What is it? What's so important?" He didn't sound cold or annoyed, just sort of tired. He had been looking forward to a nice long nap before he subjected himself to more work, so he was drowsy and still half off in a sleepy state. Unlike Feza, he wasn't not sleeping to avoid nightmares anymore, but he hadn't been getting nearly enough sleep as of late, and it was beginning to show in the eay that he was moving and speaking.

[glow=black,2,300]THE FREEDOM OF FALLING[/glow]

[fulzanin]

WE'LL MAKE A WAY WHERE YOU CAN FIND YOUR PLACE
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Feza's hearing was not the best. It was the result of loud noise constantly sounding around her - usually now within the confines of her home. She would blare out bleats of her kazoo, tying bells to her tail, anything to make a racket and get rid of the silence. Despite her worse for wear hearing, she could barely hear the other's pawsteps before the door was swung open. In an instant, the fear grabbed her with's it's sharp claws. Her small body shook, trembling. Another deep breath filled her lungs, forcing her body more firm. Her ears raised when she heard the lion speak. He didn't sound angry or irritated. That was good, Feza hoped that such would go in her favor - and that this would not, in fact, turn the tone to such a thing.

A paw moved, nudging the little bag forward. "Well, it wouldn't be a surprise if I told you," She said in a way that was near cheeky. She then frowned, wings shuffling. Right. The other did not like her surprises. They had been deemed inconsiderate, futile, annoying. Feza hoped that her little gift, her little apology, wouldn't seem as such a thing. Another smaller nudge of her paw came. "Er... what I meant to, to, uh, to say is.." She trailed off again, paw pulling close so that the snow leopard could nervously knead the ground beneath her. This was hard. Her mind derailed swiftly, and it never did aid her to think too long about what she was saying. It made her words conflict against each other, sounding strange and conveying nothing at all.

Feza forcefully nudged her side with a wing - for thinking about her mind derailing swiftly caused for such to happen. "So I got you this gummy worm. It, it made me think of you." The snow leopard said, presenting a grin on her face. Her sentence sounded odd, as if the first half of it had been chopped off and had not been vocalized. Thinking of the apology was hard, and so she procrastinated it, waiting, ears twitching. The snow leopard's mind got rid of the first half of the sentence, and the way that she presented the second half was certainly odd. She tipped her head to the side, and her tail slowly swung the other way. "I couldn't, I can't remember what you said your favorite color was - is. So I, so I uh, I got one that was red and orange. It's a worm, see? Like, like you're name. I got it. For you." Feza nodded her head, gaze raising from the small package of festivity - and one gummy worm - to look at the lion. She held off on her apology, not even sure if the other would accept her apology gift. It wasn't as if she had said that such was the reasoning for it, and swiftly decided to elaborate. "Y'know. To.. to say I'm sorry."

There was the first half of the sentence: shortened and simplified down. How much Feza wanted to begin rambling out an apology, but her suspicion was that doing such a thing would somehow invoke the lion's wrath. That was the exact opposite of her goal. She was trying to heal the tense relationship between them, and not worsen such a thing. Feza's blue eyes fell to the loosely wrapped party favor bag. Of course, glitter glue was present on the item. It was debatable if Feza thought gifts were even worthy without glitter glue present - and such was the truth. She had to create a worthy gift, after all. Neatly tied together with glitter glue slung on the plastic outside. She stood there, stiff, hear lowered as to not seem as if she was staring. Feza did want to, she wanted to gauge the other's expression. Standing there allowed her mind to begin preparing the ramble that would soon follow, bubbling in a small mumble that sounded while she stood.

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THE EMPTY CHAIRS WILL BE RESERVED FOR OUR PITY

[wormwood.]

When Wormwood opened the door, it didn't entirely surprise him, the way that Feza recoiled and her gaze filled with fear. While it wasn't surprising, it did make his heart ache slightly, to have one of his clanmates be so utterly terrified of him, even if it wasn't entirely his fault. After all, it wasn't as if Worm could control the dreams that Feza was having, as much as he wished that he could. Part of him, deep down, wondered if there was some way to use his angelic powers to put Feza's mind at ease, but he doubted it. He had only rediscovered his position as a powerful angel quite recently, so it wasn't like he had a great grip on what possible heavenly powers he might still have. Still, much to his delight, Feza took in a deep breath and relaxed before him, stopping her panicking when she noticed the way his voice didn't spike with anger, or the way his muscles didn't tense in annoyance. When she mentioned that what she had brought was a surprise, Worm felt himself looking cautiously at the bag, not sure what could've been inside. Whatever it was, as long as it wasn't a kazoo, he wouldn't react badly. Or at least, that's what he promised himself. Reacting in a negative way would only harm their relationship further, so Worm blinked and slowly nodded as she continued to speak, waiting for her to get to the point of what she was saying. When she said that she had gotten him a gummy worm, the lion blinked slowly before a smile slowly spread across his muzzle. The red and gold large feline began to laugh wholeheartedly, shaking his head and rumbling with amusement to his fellow guardsman, "A gummy worm, huh...? I guess it would make sense for that to remind you of me... I don't actually have a favorite color, really. I guess it would be either red or gold. I know it's a little bit narcissistic, to like the same colors as my pelt and wings, but... I find them nice. He shifted one of his wings to inspect it in front of him for a moment, before turning his attention back to Feza.

Taking a deep breath, the larger of the two guardsmen reached out to pull the glitter covered bag closer to himself, opening it carefully and sniffing the sweetly flavored worm for a moment before piercing it with his claw. He then rose it to his muzzle, popping it into his mouth and letting out a soft pleased chuff as he ate the gummy. It was extremely sweet and fruity, and actually seemed to make Worm relax further, just enjoying the explosion of flavor that filled his mouth and assaulted his tastebuds. He then heard Feza, her soft and timid, awkward words apologizing for her past actions. He blinked in surprise for a long moment, before he rumbled, his tail flicking slowly back and forth behind him as he swallowed the gummy worm, "Sorry, huh? I'm assuming for what happened after your last stunt...? That did really fucking sting, you thinking I would do something like that... but I forgive you, alright? We can't really afford to not have each other's backs these days anyways." He knew that if he didn't accept her apology now, he probably never would, and he knew that would end badly if either he or Feza was taken or killed by the Pitt. They would both just be consumed by guilt for the rest of their days, and at least one of them would end up falling apart. Just the thought made his heart clench unpleasantly, and he shook it off quickly, raising his head to offer Feza a small and soft smile. He definitely still seemed pretty exhausted at the moment, but he seemed to be in a better mood than he usually was with Feza around, probably because she was actually interacting with him without a thousand layers of walls put up around her in order to make her seem more approachable and fun.

[glow=black,2,300]THE FREEDOM OF FALLING[/glow]

[fulzanin]

WE'LL MAKE A WAY WHERE YOU CAN FIND YOUR PLACE
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Hearing the other laugh felt nice. It lifted a weight that the snow leopard wasn't entirely sure that she had ever felt alleviate. Or, at least, hadn't been expecting to. It felt as if a part of her purpose was fulfilled. There was no anger, no hostility. It was genuine laughter, and it made her feel a little bit better about this whole ordeal. Her tail slowly flicked behind her. So she had gotten a good apology gift. That was a good first step of the apology - of how she understood them. There was to be two parts to any apology. The gift, and then the words. Her soft mumbles continued, watching the other eat the worm. It thankfully wasn't stale. It had been in a sealed container prior to the snow leopard opening such to fetch the gift. Yes, she had forgotten to seal it back, but it wouldn't cause the candies to go stale if they were only exposed for a short period of time. Or, at least, if Feza didn't forget to reseal the bag. That was the likely possibility: her returning to her home and forgetting to reseal the bag of squirmy and colorful candies. "Sunset colors," the snow leopard muttered, her ears flicking.

The weight returned upon hearing the other's next words. The swear hit hard - foul language always did such a thing to her. It made her shift on her paws. It wasn't a good enough apology, was it. "I.. I know. I figured it, it did sting. I shouldn't have said that. Even if, if, if I did, I shouldn't have done that in front of everyone. We're both guardsmen. We, we, we can't, I can't be terrified and hate you. We should've.. talked it out. Like we are, we are now. No shouting or nothing." She huddled her paws closer together, wings tucking firmly by her sides. It was a controlled ramble, one that was better than the ones that she often went on. It was better than a sporadic sputter and blathering of random ideas and sentences that did not sound as if there was any rhyme or reason to them being said. "Like uh, like Torren said. Just because I, I've had.. stuff happen doesn't mean I should go and, I shouldn't apply that to you. That was.. childish. Yea. Childish. No. Wait. I can't remember the better word so I'm just, I'mma go with childish." She lifted a paw a little, scraping at the ground. "I, I really am sorry. For what I said. And how I've been, been behaving. It's not, it's not good. Sorry. About how I've been." She continued to ramble, a nervous flick of her tail following her words.

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THE EMPTY CHAIRS WILL BE RESERVED FOR OUR PITY

[wormwood.]

As Wormwood chomped down on the gummy worm that he had been given, enjoying the tangy taste and the push back against his sharp fangs, he found himself contemplating Feza's apology. It had been short and awkward, but it had also been ernest, and it brought a small smile to the lion's face, without a doubt another win in Feza's eyes. When Feza mentioned that his favorite colors were those of the sunset, he found himself blinking in surprise and seeming to pause. She was right, of course, but it still caught him off guard. He had always just thought of the colors as those of his pelt and fiery wings, but he had been overlooking something majorly beautiful in the fact that the sunset was the true owner of those colors, which went so well together. His smile only grew at this, but then he found his thoughts interrupted by Feza beginning to ramble, adding onto her former apology. He wasn't sure that yer rambling thoughts were really adding onto anything, but he stayed silent until she finished, just blinking his blue eyes slowly at her. When she finally settled – the actual settling being a sort of relative term for her current actions – he waited a moment to compose himself before speaking, his voice a deep and even rumble,  "Feza... calm down. I understand you want to apologize properly, but there's no need to ramble in a panic. I accept your apology... but I am curious about something. Why would you ever think that I would hurt you? I understand that I've been mean to you occasionally in the past in a moment of weakness, and I apologize for that, but... I've never threatened you with violence. I would never hurt you, or anyone here in Tanglewood. The worst I'd ever do is a bit of shouting, and usually that's... unintentional, and a knee jerk reaction." He really had been an asshole in the past, but he had never tried to terrify Feza, or make her feel as though he was going to injure or kill her. That was part of the reason he had been so hurt and caught off guard when she had first snapped at him.

[glow=black,2,300]THE FREEDOM OF FALLING[/glow]

[fulzanin]

WE'LL MAKE A WAY WHERE YOU CAN FIND YOUR PLACE
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Smiles were always a win in Feza's eyes. Her posture raised a little, face lifting from the previous full of concern and doubt and worry and sheer terror that had commonly been flickering in her face. Feathered wings nervously fidgeted by her sides, and her weight continued to move back and forth, side to side, constantly moving and changing where her weight centered. Her ears tended to lower when she heard something that didn't quite settle with her. Having to again explain the reasoning behind her fear did such a thing, and her briefly joyed expression faltered. Her face did that a lot, rising to sheer delight only to swiftly come crashing back down again. Her emotions jumped around like her thoughts. One minute they were on one specific train, barreling at the extreme, and the next the tracks had changed and near done a one hundred and eighty degree turn. Her blue eyes turned to look off to the side, as if a certain patch of grass had suddenly become interesting enough to warrant her rapidly shifting attention.

"Because one plus one is two, is two, forever will be two, and can't change from, from being two." Feza said slowly. Her paw scraped at the ground again, claws remaining tucked away in her fluffy paw. "I told you I, I was having nightmares. Punishment. I don't, I dunno what I did to deserve it, but apparently I do. Dying over and, and over again. 'Cause a lion didn't like parties. He told me they were, they're dumb. That's about, about all I can remember before, before, dying, yea? Lion and party is death. One plus one is one. Two. It's two. Always." Feza muttered. Her voice dropped a little, tail pulling closer to her body. "'Cause you don't, you don't like my parties. So it's the same thing. Er. Thought it'd be the same thing. I guess, I guess this not being a nightmare was, I forgot to factor that in. I.. I was just, y'know. Scared. Really scared." A momentary shudder passed through her fluffy form. Scared put it lightly, the snow leopard did not have a word to describe the absolute terror that had ensnared her during her rant and shouts a few days ago.

Feza's icy eyes squinted shut for a few moments. "Is, is it wrong for, for me to be scared of dying? It's been going on for, for a while. I guess I, I guess I forgot where the nightmare is and where the, the, the real world is. I'm not, not saying it's an excuse. I don't have any excuse for how mean I was being. I'm just, just, I'm just saying why." Her paws moved closer, huddling her small form together. Her paws still kneaded the ground beneath her. Speaking about the nightmare made her uncomfortable indeed. It didn't help her exhaustion any, to be reminded of how a night of good rest had escaped from her grasp. "You are.. very good at shouting. You, you could, yea, you could definitely do something really cool with how loud your voice is. Announce races. And party winners." Feza then said, tone almost managing to sound as if she was joking. Poking fun at how she knew well how Wormwood's shouting voice sounded, as she had often been on the recieving end with her antics.

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THE EMPTY CHAIRS WILL BE RESERVED FOR OUR PITY

[wormwood.]

Like most things she did, Feza's explanation left a lot to be desired to Wormwood. He supposed he could sort of understand connecting him and the lion from her dreams, but it still didn't make him feel any better about her former outburst. Surely she should've known that just because there were aspects in common, it didn't mean that her dreams were real? Still, he gave her a pass on it, just inhaling through his nose and slowly exhaling, his body relaxing as he rumbled to Feza, "It isn't wrong, for you to be scared of dying. Hell, almost everyone is afraid of dying, and losing everything we've gotten in our lives. Still... you were tired, and you've always been a bit impulsive. It makes sense that you would've made poor decisions with this whole situation, but I still wish you could've just talked to me in private, before everything blew up. Just because the lion in your dreams doesn't like parties and I don't like parties doesn't mean that I want to kill you... besides, I like parties. The only thing that has ever irritated me about the things that you do is that sometimes you just don't think them through. It can lead to people getting hurt, or worse, somebody actually wanting to hurt you." He then said, tilting his head to one side and shifting his wings upon his back, seeming a bit awkward in the way he shifted his paws, "The reason I get angry isn't because I hate you or I hate parties, I just want you to be more careful. You're one of my clanmates now, and I protect my clanmates. And if you're doing something dangerous or ill thought out, I'm going to tell you. But I promise from now on I'll try to do it in a softer way." It was true, really. Ultimately, when it came down to it, Worm just wanted to make sure that Tanglewood and all of the people in it were safe and happy, which was a goal he was sure he shared in common with Feza. However, Feza wasn't the best in seeing the flaws in her own plans, which was why he often chose to step in. He could easily admit that he had done it in a poor manner in the past, but hopefully this would be a turning point... truthfully, he had his turning point quite a while ago, after Feza's first breakdown. Ever since then he had been trying to treat her better, but evidently that hadn't helped with her nightmares. When Feza mentioned he was very good at shouting, he chuckled and rumbled with a shake of his head, "Thank you? I suppose...? It does come in pretty handy when I'm getting other people to gather for patrols... I'm sorry that I've shouted so much at you I'm the past, Feza."

[glow=black,2,300]THE FREEDOM OF FALLING[/glow]

[fulzanin]

WE'LL MAKE A WAY WHERE YOU CAN FIND YOUR PLACE
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"Okay. That's. Good to know." Feza's voice for a moment grew jagged. It was from her mind picking up it's randomized pieces, swiftly reconstructing her peppy state. She had apologized, there wasn't going to be any anger now, was there? She'd been forgiven for her exhausted outburst. She was very glad that the lion had chosen to forgive her. They were both the same title, they had responsibility. Yes, Feza was a little.. on the outside of the responsibilities of the title, but the snow leopard felt as if she did her best to uphold them. The snow leopard snickered a little. "Impulsive? No, no I'm peppy, y'see. They're very similar. It's like how people misspell school and put the second 'o' before the, before the first." Of course she began rambling, it was both how she showed her nerves and how she showed her delight. Her fluffy form had relaxed, the tension and fright mostly having swiftly dispersed from her appearance. Her mind could easy pack all of the negativity away, now that it had verbally been expelled as well as her apology.

"Well, I don't, I don't really mean for anyone to get hurt. That'd be mean. I don't.. like- don't wanna be mean." Feza then said. Her voice quieted down, ears lowering for a few seconds. It was her common 'defeated' expression, or even downcast. Usually her ears were raised high, attentive, and aided her alert and joyful expression. They did swiftly raise again. The other said that he would be nicer, and softer, though! Her tail happily wagged for a few seconds, icy eyes lighting up. A joyful mannerism, swiftly overtaking her previous nerve-wracked and huddled together form. "I'd, I'd like that. If you'd, if you'd want, I could ask before I, I do my bigger parties. To make sure they're safe. And, and up to standard." Feza's reasoning against injury came from three separate ideas. One idea did not want to stop a party because someone got hurt. That would be entirely unfestive, and it would ruin the whole party. The second simply hated pain, and that mostly stemmed from her nightmares. Feza couldn't even imagine someone liking pain. It hurt, and pain was hurt and not-fun. The third? Well, that was her decency, that someone being hurt was absolutely terrible, and should absolutely be avoided.

Feza could only smile when the other chuckled. Yes, this was what she wanted. She liked hearing laughter - even if it was just a chuckle - and seeing a smile, even if he was shaking his head. That was conflicting in her mind. But laughter was better than the shake of a head, and her mind overrode and said that yes, this was good. "Patrols are, they're probably very important. And, and, I already apologized, you can't go and undermine my, my apology with your own! That's gonna cancel them out!" For a moment her expression turned to one mocking fear, before she snickered, her wings shuffling by her sides. She smiled, tail slowly flicking back and forth behind her. "I don't, I, being yelled at isn't fun, no, not at all. Maybe, maybe- you could do whisper shouts instead. 'Cause they're not as loud. You gotta save, you gotta use those shouts for more important stuff than, uh.. whatever it was I did to be shouted at." The snow leopard wasn't certain for the particular event. It had happened a lot, and the snow leopard had tried to bury it. That was her method of coping, and it meant that, truly, Feza couldn't actually remember the cause for the other to yell at her. Perhaps it was a blend from her nightmares of dying over and over again as well. It still was hard for her to differentiate, but Feza liked to think that now she'd be able to tell a better difference between the two.

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THE EMPTY CHAIRS WILL BE RESERVED FOR OUR PITY