A THOUSAND MILES AWAY | Lessa

[lessa]

✯ — "..."

Lessa thought she might just crack.  The lines in her heart were so frail now, a breeze could probably do it.  Her eyes burned.  Her chest constricted and she had to breathe slowly and practically drop back onto her hind legs.  She should not have stood so fast.  Still.  Almost protectively, she curled her tail tight around herself, trembling.  Lessa was not good at anger.  Never had been.  Even now, it drained out of her.  Hurt.  Sadness.  Emptiness.  The marten shook her head, gritting her teeth.

"Y-you really... Are an idiot," she whispered.  "Didn't ask... T-to be protected... Never did.  T-that's my job." Wasn't it?  Her entire life she'd believed in that one fact; she wanted to be a Jedi, Jedi were guardians.  Then she became a healer.  Even more so than before, Lessa took it on as a duty.  If she couldn't protect her friends, what good was she as a Jedi?  What good was she as a healer?  What good was she at all?  Maybe she just wasn't.  No wonder everyone got hurt in the end or left.

Despite all that, she'd let him in, she'd gotten attached all over again, even more strongly than every before.  But she was not going to fight that.  She'd fight for it to the end.  "D-don't you know... I'd go to h-hell... An' back... For the ones... I love?"

"I-I've never... Cared what it'd cost me... N-not once because... An-anything was worth... Protecting... Them.  T-to not... Lose someone else." Be it her legs, her ears, her heart... Lessa's eyes turned into a sharp glare, though tears still trickled down.  "A-anything is worth... B-being beside you."

At least then, neither were alone.  At least then, no matter what happened, there was the knowledge the other was there. If something happened... God forbid... At least there was a finality to it all.  Life had never given her a finality to anything.  No answers.  Hardly any real goodbyes.  Was that too much to ask for?

Any kind of hell was worth it.

"I-if it's somewhere... N-no one should go... T-then at the... Very kriffing least... T-they shouldn't go... Alone."

Lessa took in a deep shuddering breath, metal claws digging into the floor.  "… Ev-everyone I... Get close to..." How bitterly ironic, he thought the exact same thing as her.  Maybe they were both, actually cursed.  She did not know.  She had never liked thinking about it, or putting it into words.  It made too real, but it was simple fact; she made the choice to open her heart to someone, to become friends, to grow close, and they were either hurt because of her, or they simply disappeared from her life.  When all she wanted to do was help...

The world was cruel.  The world was cold.  The few, beautiful things were fragile, like flowers or out of reach, like the stars.  It was love and friendship that gave it life, but none of that was any good if she was left by herself time after time. "… You don't... Have to be alone."

"S-shine... I don't... C-care about curses... Or an-anything... I c-care... About you… M-maybe I shouldn't... I'm ju-just bad luck but... I can't help it." She wouldn't give it up, not after moons of smiles and tears, not after moons of chasing after him.

"S-so whatever... You have t-to go through... P-please, a-at least l-let me be b-beside you.  An-anything's better... Than a-alone."

code by spacexual