singing of the light - exhaustion

[fulzanin]

WE'LL MAKE A WAY WHERE YOU CAN FIND YOUR PLACE
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Maybe she should use pink wrapper instead of green wrapper. The thought cross her mind as she sat down, looking at her current project. She was trying to construct a cart, a festive cart, one she could wheel about to carry her stuff around. She was making it from scratch, and right now she was stuck. The wheels weren't anything great, and all she had to repair them with was wrapping paper. Glitter glue, too, but Feza didn't feel like working around glitter glue at the time. Tiredness had sunk through her dense fur. It clung to her, making her brief sitting position craft a strong desire to just fall onto her side and sleep. Feza fought against such, of course. A fierce shake of her head and stepping back to her feet almost managed to force the desires to sleep to retreat back to where she shoved them down. Deep breath, force tiredness away and for pep to swoop into it's place. Another deep breath, a third. She set her paws upon the wrapping again. Feza would sleep later once this was over with. She was festive, she was creative. She could make a festive cart! A way to bring festivity to the masses! Her claws slid forth to carefully poke holes in the wrapping so that she could move string through them. Tying things together, wrapping them up, crafting: all were hard tasks with paws.

Feza had practice. Lots of practice, weeks upon months of practice. Holed up within her festive home while she created multitudes of festivities. Most never saw the light of day. They were abandoned. Discarded on the cutting room floor. Her frantic mind bounced between topics swifter than she could complete them. It led to exhaustion, getting halfway through one idea before a newer, better idea presented itself. It was the standard with the vibrant female. It showed itself in her words, sporadic and constantly backtracking and launching forward. Feza's gaze looked over the makeshift cart. Stepping away so she could view her work, the snow leopard's tail dragged behind her. It looked nice! Could use more sparkles, of course, as anything would. She yawned, and a paw raised to rub her eyes. Briefly her head dipped and she stumbled, and swiftly she forced her stature to return. Now that this was done, it was time to move on to the next thing! The other tasks that she had begun prior were not acknowledged. Instead she began scouring through her supplies, noting that she needed more string, again. Where had all her string gone? Feza didn't know! Maybe she could find some later.

Finding some bubble wrap, another idea sprung to mind. Again the festive feline was off. Scrambling around to collect her festive supplies. Dodge ball, but with balls of bubble wrap. Wouldn't that be fun? It was, in her mind. She'd just have to create everything first. Maybe she could fill and tape them with cotton, so they'd be extra soft? How easily they would be thrown did not come to mind. Feza was enthralled with the task of creating. Originally, her exhaustion had been created by refusing to sleep. Nightmares came and plagued her every night without halt. Horrific recreations of dying time and time again. Claws sinking in, ripping her apart, bleeding and dying. They'd lessened as of late. Feza pinned that on many things. Her talk with Aurum? Sure. Her getting 'better' party ideas? Sure. The other causes? Already slipped her mind. She the snow leopard continued working for the next few hours, and continued to occasionally drift off. Feza was snapped back to alertness when she felt jabbing pain from her stomach. Had she eaten yet today? She couldn't remember. Surely this aching feeling was from not eating! It couldn't possibly be from neglecting sleep, or unhealthy food habits, or twisting and turning her paws and body in ways that were not natural so she could craft her festive ideas. Slowly she stood up, blue gaze surveying what she'd been working on currently. Paint had been splattered on her paws, and before here were a couple balls of cotton with googly eyes. She'd finish working on them later.

Feza shoved the door of her home open. It was a heavy door, and she was a small creature. It was hard to get outside, especially when she was weakened by hunger in such a way. The guardsman didn't bother to figure out what time it was. Time didn't matter, party was eternal. Time didn't matter, because parties could happen anytime of the day. Fluffy wings hung limp by her sides, and a fluffy tail dragged in the dirt behind her as Feza trudged off. When she arrived at the pile of food, stockpiled for convenience, the vibrant feline snagged one of the first articles of prey that she saw. She flopped down, not bothering to move away. Feza didn't feel like mustering the energy to move a few paces away - especially when she was small and people could just step over her. Slowly she lowered her head against the ground, just wanting to rest before she ate and returned to her festivities. Instead, the party throwing female wound up nodding off right in front of the stockpiled food. The food that Feza had grabbed laid undisturbed next to her, spare being removed from the pile somewhat. Sleep finally caught up with her, forcing her to rest whether her festive thoughts wanted her to or not.

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THE EMPTY CHAIRS WILL BE RESERVED FOR OUR PITY

[wormwood.]

i was born, on the highway, in a train wreck

with a heart, that was beating, out of my chest

There wasn't a great many things that Feza and Aurum held in common. Sure, it wasn't as if Aurum hated the occasional party or social festivity, but he certainly didn't have the same enthusiasm for them as Feza. Aurum always attempted to speak with purpose, keeping his mind almost stubbornly focused on the task at hand, while Feza often found herself stumbling over her words, repeating topics or completely forgetting what she had been talking about. Aurum tended to be a very usefulness based person, who kept his home and everything else clean and simple, with only the occasional dash of color or special item here or there, like a book he particularly loved. Feza, by contrast, could never resist her own urges to absolutely cover things in sparkles and color. It was a trait that had actually been fairly useful when Aurum had been designing the tavern, mainly thanks to the fact that he hadn't really known what to do with color inside of it. And sure, perhaps the colors Feza had picked were a little bit brighter than what he had in mind, but they still worked well enough, and they worked as a nice conversation piece for new joiners on their first visit out to the tavern. Needless to say, Aurum and Feza were too very different people, and never had that been more obvious than when they had both been guardsmen, with Aurum focused solely on the more practical elements, and Feza focused more on parties, and other things that never even popped into his mind. However, if there was one thing, one massive unpleasant thing that Feza and Aurum had in common, it was that they were workaholics. The manner of the work they did was very different, with Aurum focusing on things such as patrols, proxy duties, and everything else he needed to do that Leroy couldn't, and Feza focusing on her constant ideas, parties, and new inventions, but it didn't change the simple fact that the both of them would sooner collapse than just give themselves a break.

When Aurum had been a new joiner of Tanglewood, and Feza had joined shortly after him, he had initially disliked the female. He had berated her and shunned her ideas, and tried his best to just ignore her existence. His hostility whenever they were forced to interact had driven her into a state of utter exhaustion and delirium, where she had finally had a full breakdown and yelled at him. After that, both of them had accepted the blame for their parts in it – Aurum's unnecessary hostility, and Feza's poorly thought out party ideas – and had resolved to do better in the future. Part of this had been that Aurum had decided to dedicate himself to keeping an eye on Feza. Not in a stalking or overbearing sort of way, but just sort of occasionally checking up on her when she threw a new event. After all, when she had first had her massive breakdown, the male hadn't been expecting it one bit, so it was hardly out of the realm of possibility for something bad happening to Feza to come out of the blue again. It just seemed responsible to make sure that she was doing alright, and the brightly colored snow leopard had been added onto the ever increasing list of people Aurum kept watches on, ironically yet another task that often prevented him from taking care of himself. Over the last few events, Aurum had started to notice a rather unpleasant trend showing whenever Feza opened her mouth to yell out whatever extravagant idea she had come up with. At first the lion had just thought he was imagining things, but eventually he had started to see the signs over and over again. The tired shadows in her eyes, the drooping wings, the slow way she would practically drag herself around before putting on her bouncy persona... she was utterly exhausted, and whenever he had tried to bring it up, she would just brush it off. She would smile brightly up at him, claiming that she was fine and that she had just been really caught up in gluing things or something like that.

This was why, when the proxy began to make his way towards the fresh kill stockpile and noticed Feza collapsed alongside it, he couldn't say he was exactly surprised. He was, however, a little bit panicked. He found himself quickening his pace, rushing over. He pressed a paw gently against Feza's neck, a relieved breath leaving him when he felt her pulse push through strongly. Thankfully, it didn't seem as though she had done permanent damage... at least not yet. She was just asleep, something that Aurum was actually relieved about. However, he also knew that the hard dirt ground was hardly the best place for her to sleep, so he found himself gently nosing at her anyways. His voice was soft as he tried to rouse her awake, praying that her exhaustion would motivate her to actually listen to him this time, "Feza... hey, Feza. You fell asleep at the food pile... you must be exhausted. But this isn't the best place to rest, okay? You should head home, and lay down in your bed... I can even help you there, if you need it." He wasn't really in any sort of state to be carrying anybody around yet, considering his chest was still healing, but that didn't mean he couldn't serve as a shoulder for her to lean against as they trudged their way back. Aurum was blissfully unaware of how hypocritical he was being trying to get Feza to rest while he continued to push himself constantly, but it wasn't exactly a surprise. You never saw the flaws inside of yourself when they were reflected in others.

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[fulzanin]

WE'LL MAKE A WAY WHERE YOU CAN FIND YOUR PLACE
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A little while ago Feza had moved her bed and lost it. She couldn't find it and certainly didn't want to dedicate the time to stop party planning long enough to find it. Whenever collapsing did happen, she'd just find a spot on the tiled floor of her home and lay down to sleep. Those quick naps didn't last long, and certainly did not provide enough energy to be as absolutely peppy as Feza was. Recognizing faults was something that Feza had barely, barely managed to do. Not for being a workaholic. It was overall sadness. Crushing sadness. She'd bury it, shove it down. If she was tired, it was from party throwing. Not the different exhaustion that clawed up from her facade and ever smiling face. No, there was nothing wrong. Feza had assured herself of it constantly. She was the happy party thrower of Tanglewood. If anything, Feza saw Aurum as an opposite to her. He had fire, and she had ice. He was big, and she was small. He was competent, and she was not. He deserved his rank, and she did not. Deep was the last one where it was buried in her mind, refused to be acknowledged for more than a bare thought. Just as her exhaustion was. If it was not happy, if it did not make a person smile, Feza did not want to hear it.

The vibrant female grumbled when she was nosed back into being awake. Briefly she was disoriented, paw raising to rub her eyes. A feathered wing stretched and pushed against the ground, causing for Feza's small form to sit more upright. Yawning parted her jaws, and rapid blinking followed the squeaky noise. "Did.. did I leave th' oven on or something?" She questioned. For a brief moment, ever brief, her voice was odd. Different. Not light, not joy filled. Normal, almost. Feza squinted, attention finally turning to where she was. Why was she outside? Shouldn't she be inside, planning a party? Her ears swiveled, trying to make sense of the words Aurum spoke as she had woken up. Again her paw raised to rub her face gently, trying to wake herself up enough so that she could resume her normal personality of festive joy. Frowning, the snow leopard tried to stand up, wings coming to a limp position by her sides. Feza craned her head a little, seeing the food that she'd picked up and promptly set aside when she'd passed out. She didn't feel hungry, as people did sometime right after waking up. She felt disoriented still, kneading the ground with her paws.

"Um." Feza stammered a little, blue gaze finally lifting back up to Aurum. "Oh. I.. I didn't..." She paused, coughing. A firm shake followed, another attempt to wake herself up. Her voice now raised up to normal once again, "I wasn't asleep, y'see! I was just, I was, I was hunting. The food pile. Practice." Feza slowly nodded her head. The energy that came right after waking up swiftly diminished, and the snow leopard found herself sitting back down. "I'm all good, really. No- there's no need to get worried about me, silly. I'm just hungry." The lie came forth, accompanied by a smile. She turned a paw, grabbing the article of prey that she had selected prior and pulled it closer. Feza really didn't feel like eating anymore. She tried to lift her form up again, and stumbled back down. A huff came from the festive feline, ears flicking. "Don't need any help, I'm- I'm sure someone needs it a lot more.” Of course, that word choice wasnt correct for what she was trying to present. A little too disoriented by just waking up, and the exhaustion swiftly returning.

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THE EMPTY CHAIRS WILL BE RESERVED FOR OUR PITY

[wormwood.]

Everything stays, right where you left it.

But it still changes, ever so slightly, daily and nightly.

The thought of losing an entire bed probably would've been utterly inconceivable to Aurum. Not only because the proxy lived in a small house with his son, where losing either of the beds inside would've been almost completely impossible, but also because they were a godsend when he finally succumbed to his exhaustion. Although he never chose to truly acknowledge his own workaholic tendencies beyond the very surface level, he usually knew well when he was on his last legs in terms of energy, and when he was, he often found himself stumbling into his home, dragging himself inside before he could collapse against the plushness of his bed and sleep until he had something to do again. The cycle left little time for relaxing, but he didn't see much of a problem with it, as long as he got to socialize in the little events often put together by others. Usually these events were put together by Feza, the party thrower constantly coming up with new and more elaborate stunts that would bring people together, to very mixed results. Sometimes her ideas were praised, and a bunch of people showed up to them, and sometimes they were written off, with very few appearing other to come over initially and mock. Aurum found he far preferred the former, since they didn't end with Feza looking unusually depressed.

Watching Feza jolt awake in a rather confused and disoriented state brought a small, and even more worried frown to the proxy's face. He knew well how disorienting suddenly waking up could be, but this felt like another level to it, strengthening his suspicions about how much the guardsman had been pushing herself as of late. Hell, a small part of Aurum wanted to pull the proxy card, and literally order Feza off to sleep. Still, he refrained, not wanting to end up in another situation where she felt scared or intimidated by him. Hearing her speak without her usual peppy and high voice was another odd sign that something was wrong, making the whole situation feel vaguely Twilight zone, like he was in a reality that was just like his, only dialed a couple of inches to the left. He watched as Feza anxiously kneaded the ground beneath her, and he found his own claws slipping deeper into the dirt, both out of frustration and sadness. Even in her half awake and almost dizzying state, Aurum could practically predict that his concerns were about to be brushed aside, covered up and decorated by Feza's false enthusiasm. It made him angry, since he found he very much preferred her real enthusiasm, as disorienting as that could be.

Sure enough, Feza began to stammer through her excuses, pulling the prey from earlier nearer to her as she gave a ridiculous lie that was just not ridiculous enough to be true. Aurum's frown grew, and he felt a sigh leave him, his head shaking from side to side, "Feza... I know that isn't true." His voice was even, and sounded more personal than professional, since he was still trying to hold off on the more straightforward route of ordering her to go the fuck to sleep. Tail twitching behind him, the lion rumbled as he looked around for anyone else to help, as if demonstrating how ridiculous Feza's suggestion was when he found no one else, "There's no one else around here in the same state as you right now, Feza. You need rest, and I can tell. Hell, I'm sure quite a few people can tell, actually. It's not a crime to just take a break and get a nice long sleep job, you know. It's good for you. It'll make it easier to do more grand and exciting things later." He was trying his best to entice and convince her with phrasing and imagery he knew she would understand and like, but whether or not it would actually work at all was up in the air.

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[fulzanin]

WE'LL MAKE A WAY WHERE YOU CAN FIND YOUR PLACE
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Feza could certainly be deemed a forgetful person. If it wasn't in her festive interests - or if it wasn't - the snow leopard had a tendency to forget. She forgot where she put her supplies, where she put her things, where she was at times if she wasn't inside her home, names, faces. Her mind was simply moving too quickly for anything truly permanent to stick. Feza never really saw it as a problem, although it was debatable if her mind really was able to sit still long enough to examine her own problems. Falling asleep outside of her home certainly didn't seem to be setting off any alarm bells. The grogginess after waking back up was disorienting. Her eyes were squinting, paws occasionally lifting to rub at her eyes to rub away the hazy look that waking up usually presented. "Aurum, silly, I'm a party thrower and not a liar. I wouldn't- I wouldn't lie to you." A pause. "Usually." The last word came out softly, uncertainly, her ears twitching in a way that was probably the physical manifestation of being uncomfortable - something already established by kneading at the ground beneath her.

It was hard to get her voice back into line when she was still tired. She couldn't quite find the right tone, nor the right pitch. Perhaps such contributed to the awkward expression that Feza presented on her face. Half asleep still, confused, dazed. The snow leopard could see the other's own expression, and it was that of concern. How was falling asleep outside concerning? Didn't some people do it all the time? She couldn't quite remember, still trying to fight her way through the remaining feelings of sleep in order to remember how exactly she got her voice the way that she liked. Slowly the vibrant female stood up, stretching, giving herself a shake - all in effort to prove that she totally had not been asleep prior. "I don't need rest, I just need to eat. Then I, then I gotta finish up my latest and, and my greatest party idea yet. It's going to be super, it'll be super festive and fun. Everyone'll have a good, a great time. It involves, it's gonna- maybe I should keep it a surprise. Uh, I'm- it's gonna be rope centered I think. I haven't gotten it- it's not approved yet so I dunno what it's actually gonna be. A surprise to me, too!" Feza insisted. Oh, darn, now her voice was way too squeaky, and she decided that coughing would totally make such a thing seem more natural. Why was Aurum so concerned, anyways? The snow leopard dazed off briefly, not able to keep her attention focused. Didn't he have more important Proxy things to do than be worried about her? He probably did. She was taking up attention that was not hers to take. Stealing, that was what this was. Stealing attention that was not hers to have, not at all.

Feza's head lowered a little bit. Here she was, not causing anything festive to happen, and was instead making Aurum worry. Worry wasn't festive. She was taking up someone's time in the worst way, and that felt like a stake being skewered right through her. Her teeth clenched together, vibrant body stiffening up. She would hide it better, she couldn't have anyone worry about her! She didn't deserve the worry; her mind throwing that phrase to the forefront like a brick. She was the party thrower, that was her purpose. Feza turned her head to the side a little, paw lifting to nonchalantly wave. "I don't n-need sleep for that sort of thing. Don't, don't worry about silly little me. You've got lots of, you've got so much more important s-stuff to do. I'll be fine, see?" With her voice finally somewhat back to normal, the festive female flashed one of her ever present grins at the lion. Not even Feza, with months upon months of experience, was able to hide the dull and exhausted light present in her icy eyes. The smile was, of course, fake - most of them were. Her voice was fake, the joy was fake. It was a front for that one reason, that she was certainly not worth worrying about. She was here to make everyone else happy. Making concerns like this was the opposite of that purpose. Shameful. Shameful. She was absolutely a shame to the one purpose she had. That was the one thing that she was never able to forget. The snow leopard hiccuped, squinting her eyes shut. Was the blurriness the remnants of sleep, or were they tears? She certainly couldn't remember. "I-I'm fine."

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THE EMPTY CHAIRS WILL BE RESERVED FOR OUR PITY