our love is six feet under / private

[Margaery]

[glow=GLOWCOLOR,2,300]▶ MARGAERY FOLIE - tags - THE ASCENDANTS - OBSERVER - SHE/HER- FELINE ◀[/glow]

Help. I lost myself again.
But I remember you.

Once upon time, Margaery had been happy.

Life had been good.

Her family had been intact.

It was in those moments that she so ignorantly believed nothing bad could ever happen. She would never lose her wife. Her children would never disappear. Her clan would still be there, and she would be the head of it all, a queen in her own right. Oh how she thought she was living the absolute dream. And, in a way, she supposed that she was. After all, no dream lasted forever- she was bound to wake up eventually... wake up and face a reality where she was completely and utterly alone.

The very realization made her sick to her stomach.

She was not made to be this empty. She was not made to be such a purposeless creature. Then why? Why was she like this? Why could she not even find it within herself to laugh much less smile or enjoy the warmth of the sun on her back or the flowers that she had once loved so dearly? Who had taken that away from her?

[color=black]"Suiteheart."

Her voice cracked.

It was selfish to blame her wife but it was true. Suiteheart had stolen what felt like Margaery's soul when she disappeared.

And she was tired. Tired of running from repressed memories, repressed feelings, tired of looking for Suite. She wanted to close her eyes and sleep until life righted itself but she couldn't. She had promises to keep to herself, so many promises, and perhaps she would never rest until each and every one of them was fulfilled.

She just wished she wasn't so damn alone though.

[Suiteheart]

[align=center][div style=" background-color: transparent; border: 0px solid black; width: 530px; min-height: 9px; font-family:; line-height: 110%; text-align: justify; padding: 20px"]Her eyes had looked and searched for a long time, and then they became veiled.

Suiteheart had spent the better part of a year trying desperately to find her wife and their children. Her bones were weary. Her soul was weary. Night and day she had traveled. But nothing. There was no one. The word 'isolated' was not even close to describing the way she felt.

Exactly one month ago, she decided to give up her search. Suiteheart was no longer a believing, hopeful creature. She was a pessimist, and her life was really gone. She had given up her singing and her music. She had given up trying to keep up with her journal. She no longer carried an easy-going air about her.

Suiteheart was altered entirely. Exactly one month ago, she had taken up the persona of Hotelsuites. Similar, yes, but different. Perhaps she kept it like her real name in hopes of one day returning to a better reality.

When she joined The Ascendants, she had heard talk of someone named Margaret. The name stirred something inside of her, but she chose not to pursue the lead. That couldn't be her Margaery. No... She was gone, wasn't she?

The ivory feline deserted these thoughts and continued on her way. She wasn't sure where she was going, but her paws seemed to have minds of their own. And she trusted them.

Suiteheart then stopped suddenly. The spring breeze had presented her with something she had not smelled in a year: Margaery.

Was this... real?

It couldn't be. Don't be stupid, she told herself, but she was running. Her already sore muscles screamed. She shouldn't be exhausting the last of her pitiful strength. She should be resting. She needed to stop letting her mind trick her. She needed to stop running after phantoms. She -

And there Margaery stood. Not a sound could escape Suiteheart. It was like looking at a ghost. "Are... you real?" Her voice was weak, shaking. It was nothing like the confident tone she had once shown everything. It was hollow. And seeing her wife in front of her made her speaking ability falter even worse.

[Margaery]

[glow=GLOWCOLOR,2,300]▶ MARGAERY FOLIE - tags - THE ASCENDANTS - OBSERVER - SHE/HER- FELINE ◀[/glow]

"Are... you real?"

Honestly, who knew?

She had wandered for so long, a forlorn soul with nothing but aching memories and heavy paws, that she certainly questioned how real any of her life was. She would not be surprised to discover that she had actually perished and that this was some sort of twisted purgatory she was doomed to spend the rest of eternity in and yet, here she was- breathing air that she felt real and inhaling the all too familiar scent of something that she had lost oh so long ago.

Margaery's eyes had once been the windows to her soul- her every emotion displayed proudly, sometimes even wildly, within them. They were empty now, borderline bloodshot from countless nights of little to no sleep. Yet, when they fell upon the pale form of Suiteheart, something brightened within them, a little glimmer of life almost. Something stirred in her chest, a feeling that she had fallen out of acquaintance with after months of bitter, bitter solitude.

Was this real? Were these feelings, this figure before her, real?

Or had her imagination simply decided to play tricks on her?

[color=black]"Isn't that the question, love?"

She finally droned in response, though she could barely mask the hope that laced each word. Had she not known better, had she not been disappointed or falsely led before, she would have ran and embraced her wife. But she was a weary individual, a former thing of power that had been stripped of everything including her trust for others. She would not blindly hug this stranger.

But is she truly the stranger here? You're the shell. Not her. Not her.

She swallowed hardly at that thought, and then, reared upon her haunches, gray blue eyes staring intently into baby blue ones.

[Suiteheart]

[align=center][div style=" background-color: transparent; border: 0px solid black; width: 530px; min-height: 9px; font-family:; line-height: 110%; text-align: justify; padding: 20px"]Suiteheart's chest felt strange. It was some odd mix of hopes and fears, and the tightness made her breath shaky. Was this her lover?

The voice... Something inside of Suite felt at ease. She wanted to hurry forward and collapse into Margaery's arms. She wanted to hold her and be held by her. The being before her was her entire world. She wanted so badly to be nearer... So why could she not move?

The former deputy was rooted to the ground. Words tried to form but broke midway through speaking. She sounded like a child just learning to talk. It was pitiful, in a way. But at the same time, it was understandable as she was completely dumbfounded. "I... You... Margaery."

It didn't seem real.

Suiteheart clutched the locket around her neck. Without needing to open it, she knew its contents. One picture inside was of all of their children. The other picture was she and Margaery on their first date. The thought pained her. Those had been much, much happier times. She opened her mouth again, but no words spilled forth. She took a deep breath, trying to find them.

"I thought you were dead... I looked," her voice was tight, as if she were trying not to break down, "for an entire year..."

There was no accusation in her voice, no. She did not blame Margaery at all. In fact, she blamed herself for not being able to find her sooner. How could she not be with Margy when she needed Suite? So often it seemed Suite was never fully there for her partner. She needed to be better. Was this perhaps another chance to make things right?

"I'm so s-sorry I couldn't find you. I'm sorry. I'm s-sor-sorry," she managed, trembling. Tears welled in her eyes, and they threatened to spill over. She was too tired to fight them back and down they fell. "I tried to use the b-bond to feel you... You were gone. It was worse than the last time we were separated - and worse even than when I d-died and got reincarnated."

She took a shuddering breath to steady herself. "My powers are gone... I don't know what happened to the bond... I can't feel you now..." Suiteheart let a sob befall her. "I c-can't feel y-you."

Suite felt ridiculous, childish. Why couldn't she hold it together for five seconds? This was her fault. She needed to own up to it. She needed to face it.

The white feline began to take a few steps forward. [color=#73B1B7][b]"I'm sorry, and I love you. And I'm sorry."

[Margaery]

[glow=GLOWCOLOR,2,300]▶ MARGAERY FOLIE - tags - THE ASCENDANTS - OBSERVER - SHE/HER- FELINE ◀[/glow]

In reality, she supposed that neither of them truly were to blame. It was fate that had pulled them apart and, in a way, it was fate that had brought them back together. She was vaguely aware of the fact that she should be feeling something right now, whether that be immense sadness or relief, but there was nothing. Nothing but that dull flutter that had become unfamiliar, foreign even, to her. [color=black]"Suiteheart.. I..." She didn't know what to say. Did she apologize? Did she explain how bad things had been? Or did she continue sitting there, expressionless, confused at best, wishing so dearly that she could experience this bittersweet moment wholly and completely?

[color=black]"Don't cry," She finally managed, her voice even, [color=black]"It's not your fault." She tried to sound tender, gentle, understanding, but she lacked the very means to do so. If anything, her words sounded awkward and forced causing her to frown. [color=black]"My powers are gone too... and I can't feel you and I... I..." She trailed off, unable to meet her wife's gaze any longer.

[color=black]"I can't feel anything."

She was not this way by choice and she was nearly 100% certain that this had been an extension to her losing her powers and, more importantly, her bond with Suiteheart. Malfunctions such as hers had happened before, and, though she hated remembering it, malfunctions such as hers had happened to her before. As unfortunate as it was, she was not unfamiliar with this state of emotional apathy, the only difference this time being she had not brought it upon herself willingly.

[color=black]"I'm trying. I'm trying so hard. But I can't... I haven't in such a long time... And it isn't your fault! None of this is your fault. If anything, I'm glad the bond broke so you wouldn't have to experience this.. this... emptiness. I love you too much to ever wish that upon you."

She wanted to cry. She wanted to cry so badly. But no tears would come and she released a low sigh, shutting her eyes momentarily.

[color=black]"I love you..."

At least I think I still do.

[Suiteheart]

[align=center][div style=" background-color: transparent; border: 0px solid black; width: 530px; min-height: 9px; font-family:; line-height: 110%; text-align: justify; padding: 20px"]”I can’t feel anything.”

All at once, Suiteheart felt her breath catch. She had... She had seen this side of Margaery before. It had broken her heart then, and it broke her heart now. She would give anything to reverse the apathy, but she didn’t know how. She didn’t know how anymore at least. To say Suite felt crushed was only the beginning.

She inhaled sharply as a deep sadness washed over her features. It seemed she had reduced her wife to a non-feeling creature once more. Perhaps it truly was not Suite’s fault, but she blamed herself nonetheless. She blamed herself because, had she actually been there for Margy, she would be okay.

They would have been okay.

But now? Well, that was the question, wasn’t it?

Suiteheart nodded. “I thought... I thought I was the same way, but it seems you bring something out in me,” she replied, her voice bathed in an odd tone. She tried to make it light, almost comical. She wanted it to be reminiscent of the days of old. She wanted it to be somewhat sweet, for Margaery did bring out the best in her. However, the comment just sounded more exhausted than anything else.

She thought on her statement. For months, she had been in a state of unfeeling. Or so she had thought. The truth was that she had been so damn miserable that she became hollow. The sadness and loneliness has drained her. It robbed her. She was an empty vessel, save for her melancholy.

But perhaps there was hope for something else. It stood before her. It would just take... time. And time, it seemed, was the only reliable thing these days.

“I can’t help being sorry,” she admitted, her tears now slowing. “I was supposed to keep us safe... I was supposed to make sure we all stayed together after what happened last time.” Her eyes fell to the floor. She’d promised to never leave Margy again, and it had happened. Again. Sure, it was not of her own accord, but it had happened.

’Promise breaker,’ she cursed herself.

“I love you. So much. Please don’t ever doubt or forget that. Please.” For better or for worse, they had promised one another. And despite Margaery’s doubts, Suiteheart had no reservations. She wholeheartedly loved the girl before her. Nothing on this earth, heaven, hell, or anything in between would change that.

”And empty or not, I wouldn’t mind. To know - to know you were alive would’ve been enough.” She shook her head. “I should’ve tried harder. I tried so hard, but I couldn’t... And the kids.”

She let her eyes raise to meet Margaery’s. Some faint flicker of hope shone in Suiteheart’s baby blues. Maybe Margy knew where they were. Maybe everyone was here. Maybe.

Maybe.

Maybe...

[color=#73B1B7][b]“The kids...? Are they...?

[Margaery]

[glow=GLOWCOLOR,2,300]▶ MARGAERY FOLIE - tags - THE ASCENDANTS - OBSERVER - SHE/HER- FELINE ◀[/glow]

"But it seems you bring something out in me."

Was that... Was that warmth she felt?

Quite frankly, she'd describe the sensation that burned in her chest similarly to indigestion. It was uncomfortable, unfamiliar, and even a bit distressing. But it was something and without meaning to, she smiled. Genuinely. Suiteheart's disappearance was to blame for her lack of emotion yes, but her reappearance had to have the power to teach her how to feel again... right?

Perhaps it was not their missing bond or her absent powers that mystically stole away her sense of fulfillment and life... perhaps she had repressed her emotions herself, afraid to deal with the trauma, the true pain they had the capability of inflicting.

[color=black]"Stop apologizing," She whispered, her breath catching in her throat, [color=black]"P-Please." Her voice cracked and she began to cry. The tears that fell from her blue eyes were not false in nature either. Their purpose for existence was not for show or for sympathy but rather a new understanding of everything topped off by the reappearance of her wife, her love. There was something there, dull, yes, but overwhelming for the girl who hadn't really felt much anything for the past year.

It was the mention of their children that broke the wall Margaery's subconscious had so carefully crafted, bringing her to the ground as her legs gave out from under her. The souls, her daughters, were gone... Jack, her sweet, sweet angel of a boy was gone... Every child she had grown to love unconditionally... gone.

She let a wail, praying it would be answer enough to Suiteheart's condition.

She didn't want to feel this suddenly. She didn't want to be burdened with this sense of failure. She was a disgraceful mother and because she could not have been better, her children had suffered.

[color=black]"I... I didn't mean to let you down."

A pause.

A sniffle.

[color=black]"I didn't mean to let them down."

[Suiteheart]

[align=center][div style=" background-color: transparent; border: 0px solid black; width: 530px; min-height: 9px; font-family:; line-height: 110%; text-align: justify; padding: 20px"]Stop apologizing? Not possible. As much as she wished she wasn’t constantly apologizing, it was in her nature. She was forever sorry for everything. It was something she hated, and she knew Margaery didn’t like it. She would try to be better, but it would be difficult. She wanted to apologize for apologizing.

“Don’t cry,” she breathed, voice trembling. As the tears fell, something cracked deeper inside her. Heartbreaking, yes, for her chest hurt to witness this. It took all her might not to break down again, but she had to be strong. She had to be strong for Margaery because she hadn’t been able to for the past year.

Suiteheart took a few more steps forward, fighting the urge to completely throw herself at her wife. She wanted to. She wanted to melt into the girl she loved most. But could she? Would Margaery accept her? Suite bit her lip, hating to think otherwise.

Surely Margaery felt no ill-will toward her. Surely she would accept comfort in the form of an embrace. Surely she would be okay with the smallest amount of contact.

Surely... But would Suiteheart?

After a year and some odd weeks without any physical contact (save for fighting and murder), she was not sure she was capable... She felt clumsy. Too new. She didn’t want to mess something up. And if she were honest, a simple hug terrified her because... because what if when she pulled away, Margaery was gone?

And so she stood. Every few moments, she would make a gentle move for her wife before slowly retreating. Suiteheart cursed herself. She was ridiculous, wasn’t she?

She waited, watching as Margy continued to fall apart. The sob that escaped from the stormy-eyed feline formed tears in her own eyes. She didn’t want to believe it, but she knew it to be true. Her children - they’re children were gone. The souls. Their biological son. Their adopted daughter. Her legs felt weak. Not again... Not again... Not again...

“No,” the former deputy murmured. “You could never let me down.” She tried to forced her tears away, but she was far from having the ability. “We... We both let them down. Not one of us... Both... of us.” The words burned her throat as she spoke them, but they were true. Margaery did not need to bear this hardship alone.

“The souls have ea-each other. They’re okay. They’ve always been... okay,” she said, hoping Margy would believe her. ”And our boy can hold his own. He’s sm-smart and brave. He’ll be okay too... And so will our little girl. We raised them as best we could. We t-taught them how to take care of themselves... We-”

’Tried,’ her mind finished when she was too overcome with emotion to go on.

[Margaery]

[glow=GLOWCOLOR,2,300]▶ MARGAERY FOLIE - tags - THE ASCENDANTS - OBSERVER - SHE/HER- FELINE ◀[/glow]

Admittedly, Margaery didn't know how she would react were Suiteheart to embrace her. Much like her wife, the limited physical contact she had shared with others in the past year had been for more gruesome reasons- never from affection. She had vowed to never so much as lay a finger upon her love, but after permitting her primal instincts to rule her for far too long a time, she didn't trust herself. What if her restrain lapsed? What if she panicked under the pressure of another creature's gentle touch? She could hardly stand the thought.

So instead, she resigned to putting more space between them, her grayish blue eyes still brimmed with tears. Everything was so different now and everything was so bad. This sudden development of emotions didn't help either and for a moment, she almost regretted wishing for them so dearly. Things hurt, to put it plainly, and there wasn't anything she wouldn't give to disappear for a few moments simply to reacquaint herself with the things she had repressed... the things that she had run from.

But she couldn't do that, not when Suiteheart was telling her that they both let their children down, that they both had some part to play in this. For some reason, that left a bitter taste in her mouth. She'd rather carry that burden on her own, knowing entirely that it was her fault that her family had splintered and shattered. Suiteheart didn't have any part in that, not when she tried so hard to be a good wife, a good friend, a good mother. It was Margaery who didn't try hard enough... if only she had put more of herself in looking for what remained of the Tyrell-Folie's... if only she hadn't shut down.

The tears came harder and harder still as their children were brought up. Dead. She knew they were dead... She, herself, had barely survived this.

The sob that emitted from her trembling form was now strangled and that feeling in her chest, that dreadful, dreadful feeling was twisting and knotting more and more with every passing second.

[color=black]"I don't want this... I don't want this new life... I don't want this new home... I don't want this new us..." She whispered, [color=black]"I want our old life."

[Suiteheart]

[align=center][div style=" background-color: transparent; border: 0px solid black; width: 530px; min-height: 9px; font-family:; line-height: 110%; text-align: justify; padding: 20px"]The distance Margaery put between them felt endless. It seemed like a gap far too wide and deep to ever think about venturing towards. It hurt her. It hurt her badly. Suiteheart knew she needed to reach out now or this distance would forever be stretched too far.

The heart wrenching sob from Margaery ripped her from this thought. The sound found its way into Suiteheart's very soul, and it made her feel helpless and powerless. Before her sat the strongest woman she had ever known, and to see her reduced to a tearful heap crushed Suite. This was not how things should be. None of this was how things should be.

Again, the thought popped to the surface of her mind: Where was their soft epilogue?

They deserved it, dammit. They worked and sacrificed and lost everything. Where was the end? Where was the gentle fall? Where the hell were they supposed to catch their breaths? Nowhere. Nowhere. Nowhere. Nowhere.

Suiteheart slowly padded forward, closing the space between. She had to erase the divide before it became too strong. She had to. If she did nothing else with her life, she needed to create some sense of normalcy between she and her love.

Gently, she pulled Margaery into a soft embrace. The movement was odd, uncertain. She did not want to overstep boundaries, but she could not leave Margy to stand in her own sadness. The former rose queen needed something to hold on to, and Suite would be that something. She would be there, even if Margaery didn't want her or need her. She would always be there. Always.

Always.

"Me too," she agreed, crying now as well, but trying desperately to keep it somewhat together for Margaery. She wanted to go home. She wanted to sleep in the house she and Margaery picked out. She wanted to walk through her old home, to feel the chill in the air. She wanted to waltz through Margaery's flower gardens as the sun was beginning to rise, and she wanted to laugh with her wife in the early morning hours when everything felt possible. She wanted to see the souls arguing, growing up, and teaching one another to be more assertive, more level-headed, more down to earth. She wanted to pierce their ear again or to give them a necklace or charm bracelet. She wanted to hear them call her 'Mom.' She wanted...

"I want to go back to everything, but... We can't. It's gone, Margy. It's all gone. And it fucking sucks." She shook her head. She was only stating the obvious, and she wasn't offering anything of actual value. "I don't want to be someone new. I don't want you to be someone new. I don't want us to be something new." She drew in a breath. [color=#73B1B7][b]"I'm gonna try to be... me. As much as it's gonna suck, I'm going to try, but not for them - The Ascendants. I'm going to try for me. For you. I don't want to forget who I was. I think you should try too... We've lost too much already. We can't afford to misplace ourselves. Not again."