how to save me >> oneshot & 500th post (open)

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THE KINGPIN

golden lung dragon & black jaguar w/ vitiligo & platinum silver fox. unknown age - ancient. bai shi lynn lingré. proper chinese name is lin bai. prefers lynn if close. they/them. blind. wind element & electric element. firstborn son of jerisidie lingré & current head of family/general. courting delilah evergarden & halo mercer. kingpin of alithís evgenis. demiromantic gray-asexual. parent of veris, arvin, leoku, erian, flos, kekhai, evarhi, and laeglin. elder brother of ramona and hope, uncle of quennel and cosette.

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looking up as they took a deep breath, they stilled the anxious pounding of their chest, breath short and painful. they shook their head as they tried to organize their thoughts, gaze taking in all who had come at the sound of their cries. a nightmare ... were they okay? they didn't know the answer to that anymore. taking a few deep uneven breaths, they exhaled, claws kneading the ground under them to try and hide their distress. looking back at the three there, they exhaled unevenly with a wry smile, wishing that they hadn't stepped back from asteri, not from the peace that she afforded them. rumbling softly, they licked their lips, "i'm sorry you three ... i haven't been sleeping well. it's been a long time since i've been disturbed by a nightmare.", they explained quietly, ears laying back as their mind screamed at them that they were telling lies. the group didn't need to know of their mental state, not right now. they hadn't been okay in a long time, but they hadn't let anybody close enough to find out enough about them to know that much.

putting on a smile that they knew was fake, they shook their head, "my apologies. i don't think i'll be getting back to sleep tonight ... i ... i just need some time.", they murmured softly, gaze tired and exhausted, head drooping. should they go find malak? should they go to the graveyard? gods, they didn't know what to do ... they were so lost. sucking in a breath, the jaguar bodied entity of war anxiously kneaded the ground, eyes closed as they tried to focus their mind. they would not find rest ... perhaps they could lay awake pondering what they could do for the future of the group, try and figure their own mind out. asteri's presence there was both a reminder of what they lost and a comfort, grateful that she hadn't reacted harshly or angrily to their moment of mistaking her for their mate. shoulders trembling, they found their heart admitting that they didn't want to be alone, but that was not something that they could ask for in good conscious. paws clenching at the dirt under their paws, they looked back over their shoulder, gaze empty, noting the destruction of their den, making a note to clean it up and fix it up.