(forewarning, it's long, has some mention of gore, familial neglect and abuse to those close to them)

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laying in the depths of the trunk of the tree, their eyes closed and entangled in the furs, their nose filled with scents they hadn't smelt in such a long time. slowly, their body twisted and became even more entangled, their brows furrowing as the mighty kingpin twisted and turned in their slumber, talons digging into the furs, bark and dirt, long sinuous body twisting in agony of tortured slumber. they had no peace, not even here, in a land that they could see once again, not where the voices of the dead called out to them and threatened to crush their heart with the grief and sorrow that they felt. the dragon had no rest, not any that came easily to them at the very least. exhaling shortly as their eyes ravaged the back of their eyelids, their teeth gnashing and glinting in the light that filtered through the tree's trunk, mist rising off the water surrounding their den. the night was a time of bewitching and cursing, and by the gods did they ever feel that their body was a vessel to a river of fire and brimstone, body aching with old and new wounds and sores. the dragon groaned, lungs heaving and choking, spittle closing their throat as they snarled and convulsed restlessly in their sleep, wishing for things that they could never have once again. unbeknownst to the dragon trapped in their nightmares, their sounds and cries would awaken those abiding in the inn on the cliff above. they were lost in memories, things that they had no desire to recall now nor ever again. once had been enough, why did they have to keep struggling with it? that was an answer that they had no knowledge of.

trapped in such an ancient time, where they had been young and in a human vessel. they were the god of war, before everything was turned on it's head, laying in their mother's arm, beside their brothers, their father a nearby figure standing tall and protective, keeping away any who would seek to disrupt the empress' rest as their children rested there against a warm breast. they could not remember much of those first years, except for the sudden emptiness at their side, the lack of warmth and feeling of kin. their mother was torn away from them, leaving them to nannies and eunuchs to be raised by and looked after by those who were not related to them through flesh and blood. the courts called relentlessly upon the empress while the emperor was away, fighting in wars that his spouse was once the god holder of. the empress had only been able to be with them a few meager times as a child, and they were lacking that warmth and love, forbidden their mother's love by the courts of the people that they too would one come to rule. it was not long before the lack of love and mother's warmth brought about the deceased passing of their brothers, once a set of triplets, now an only child, forgotten and left behind by those around them until their father could come home and look after them. they were the only one to make it past the first year, disease taking the other two princes from the care of the nannies. alone they grew up, learning under their father, a dragon bodied man much like their own self. back then they went by the name of bai xiaodan, their mother's eldest child, and looking to be the only child for the royal couple as the empress soon became ill from poisoning. their father only grew more distant as he watched his spouse slowly dying from the effects of a poison, brought upon by a consort who had long been banished since her hand was discovered in the attempted assassination, little bai being their next target to ensure their own reign and their own child's ascension to the throne should the emperor come to pass.

distant as their father became, the child raised himself, listening to the guards around the palace, often sneaking out to watch them train and spar, wishing so badly to become like them and become an apple in their father's eyes, needing to be something more than what they considered themself to be as a waste of space. they were young, wanting to impress their ill mother despite the best treatments of the court physicians, the empress only became sicker and weaker. they were not about to let their mother die, doing their best to impress what gods might be out there, too afraid to lose that one last bond. their father was often out, the emperor entangled in war or favoring other concubines and consorts as the empress lay sick and neglected. inside of them a rage grew, ignored by their father and left with their mother as their mother lay dying in bed. through this, the child grew a plan as they grew older, their father slowly beginning to take an interest in them as the child grew to a young boy, taking up weapons and copying the guards, sneaking into their practices before being returned to their rooms. they were a stubborn young whelp, determined to do something, to become a good soldier, a good combatant if only in order to protect their mother from something that they could not see. they wanted to get back at their father for his neglect, being left behind by a man such as he, who had once been a hero in the child's eyes, sitting upon his knee and listening to tale after tale of bloody conquest and gore riddled victories. such things had been a calling, more than tilling the fields or the handmaidens tales ever could be. such stories of war were exciting, calling to a monstrous nature within their tiny fragile body and angry bloodstream, that awoke in them such a craving for violence, one locked away by those their family trusted. they were too young to be a weapon, far too young. they may have been too young to be a weapon but that did not stop the power hungry. were they lucky, or unlucky, to have finally caught their father's attention when they alone, took down an assassin coming to finish them off. the emperor had no space or time for a useless child, much less an heir to the throne, as they were told by their dying assailant, their father's true colors revealed to them. oh what a cruel childhood, being carted off to war, to watch and to learn. those lessons were not ones that the beast inside of them could forget, for it hungered for such nonsensical violence.

on the return of one such trip to burdened lands, wrought by war, broken down to their knees by such a sight, that the beast awoke and starved as it laid in wait for the first time that it could bathe itself in the enemy's forces. they discovered another child, rough and wild, left without home or care by the war that their father rode upon, driving ever forward into the lands, uncaring of the destruction that such pursuits brought with it. immediately, despite the anger and vehemence of the other child, bai snuck them into their wagon, keeping them from sight of the soldiers and their father until their father discovered the other when looking for his son. death or servitude were what was lain before the child, and they who were young and desperate for a friend around their age, begged for their new friend, despite the differences, remain with them, even if it meant that the child be fostered by the palace staff. the two were brought home, inseparable once barriers were moved past and grudges sworn to be handled through time. nicknamed cass by the young prince, the two slowly grew together, together growing a hatred for their sire, who had destroyed so many lives and families. through their time together, the young prince swore to cass, that they would take them as their spouse when they grew older. it was a promise that they intended to keep, denying each and every marriage proposal from neighboring countries and within their own. during such times as these as they grew to their teenage years, their father fell in battle, and they did not grieve for a monster such as he, the fallen emperor. it was at this time, that they had accompanied him and watched coldly as he was taken down by many a flight of arrows. one could say that they could have been the one to order him to be killed, for the rage and iciness in their eyes. upon their return from war with the news of their sire's death, they came upon the mutilated and mute body of cass, what little life in them holding on for the dragon shifter to return home to them.

the prince refused to let their mate to be suffer such a cruel fate as to die alone, remaining at their side and caring for them despite the demands of the court, far too broken and hurt by the betrayal of their father before they had returned. it was the last straw, awakening the beast within them, turning them to the deity of war. such a violent streak called the beast back out to the battlefields, back to shedding blood, in an attempt to quell the rage of the revenge that they would never recover, their beloved tended to by the best physicians, closely guarded and taken care of, protected from the courts that called upon the sick empress once more. as the beast spent itself out on the battlefields, it's rage and lust for blood temporarily quelled, they returned home, stopping at a bathhouse to prepare and clean themself before they would enter the courts once more. there they encountered a young beautiful man who enraptured them, and who was to say no to a prince? they brought the male home, learning his name to be asteri, going by astro, and by the gods, they felt a feeling that they had not felt save for cass. these two were the most important things to the beast, looking after both as best as they possibly could, protecting them as far as they could. misfortune had not skipped the family, as the empress soon died of the poisoning and a weakened body and heart, succumbing in the peace of night on the prince's wedding. the courts had fought against cass taking part in the future emperor's life, retaining them in their position of servitude as before, only approving of one to wed the prince, asteri, the prince's favored consort, even despite his questionable background for there was no other choice left. within days, left to grieve, they were named emperor and the thing that they had run from their whole life, had come to them and they had no space left to run. they were a stubborn, vile beast, inclined to war and violence, and a bloodshed they had made of their own empire, killing out the opposition in the court and naming a successor before they fled, taking with them cass and asteri, taking their dragon body as they fled their life as the emperor. taking flight in a storm, they found themself waking in a different world, in a body they knew nothing about, and without those that they had not wished to lose. there, they found themself in this world, surrounded by strangers, searching futilely for those that they had lost.

awoken here in this strange land, they traveled, coming across a band of rogues, where they would stay for the longest of times, meeting the pharaoh of the rosebloods, sephiroth, a pale lion of noble strength and courage. from there, the beast set out to find any of their missing companions, tracking down their mate and husband to the lands of the group called elysium, where they unveiled the horrible news that their mate had been murdered. returning to the lands of the rosebloods, they threw themself into their work there, quickly proving their mettle and determination, climbing the ranks and becoming a guardian of the pharaoh himself. they found their heart slowly betraying them the more that they stayed with him and the group he led, their heart slowly weakening to the man who rode into battle with confidence and vestige. fickle their heart, for that too was lost to them, leaving behind him in his wake a pile of black feathers that bore his scent, something that they would forever keep with them. becoming the pharaoh with more time, they were the last to lead the rosebloods, the group being taken over and destroyed. in their time as the pharaoh, they met a black jaguar by the name of kydobi and their broken heart slowly opened itself to him, before they wondered how long it would be until he fell to the clutches of death that stalked them like a shadow. slow in their advances, far too wary of scaring him away and off, they fell for the dark predator, having long reclaimed their golden dragon body. in this time, when they fell from grace, they followed after him, back to his home, back to the pitt where they stayed for a while and began to climb the ranks again. before long, tragedy struck, and they discovered that their beloved cass, who they thought long dead, had been made to work under the brute that had murdered asteri. they made their plans of revenge, taking out the mountain lion who had ripped everything away from them, taunting them over the brutally murdered body of their best friend and beloved. filled with numbing grief, the dragon bore witness to their new home being torn down and ripped apart by many other groups, where they formally announced their neutrality and backed out of the pitt, departing those lands as they watched kydobi fall under the murderous claws of aurum, a member of tanglewood.

knowing that no group there would take them in, they left behind those memories, broken and rough as they had buried their most recent lover, paying homage to him and the rest of their dead in a field of sunflowers, their own injuries forgotten to fester and scar over, their sight being stripped away the least of their concerns. lingering about the territories, wandering about the uncharted lands, the dragon began to explore, searching for a new place to call home, a new place to spend their days, lost and so alone, without those that they had loved. in the days that they had lost kydobi, they had met a coyote named idyllicfields, and by the gods, they knew that they should have closed off their heart to the poor medic, for even they had disappeared after the raid that killed kydobi. it was lost to them, the purpose of falling in love but weak and eager for more was their heart. they learned that he had been reborn, the dragon greeting him before they drew apart, sharing one last time together, where they had thrown caution to the wind and loved more than they should have, resulting in the surprise of a litter that they carried and alone raised in their home. in such recent days they have heard no news from the reborn kydobi, and they have feared the worst in relation to the dark male. dark were their days, leading their group alone, their heart aching within their chest as they weighed their options, bearing witness to the quiet losses and disappearances of their close friends, children, and what remained of their family, brought to this world in their own ways. the dragon was filled with grief, and the memories that came with each face, each sweet memory tainted bitterly by the taste of blood upon lips. pain and sorrow filled their heart, their own existence such a lonely and angry thing, their loved ones torn away so cruelly, that they dared not get close to any being anymore but they were still a parent, still a leader, and still a friend. they could not back out from such duties even if it got them killed, that was their duty, to protect those around them.

recent days and events had caused hope to flourish in their chest, meeting a she-wolf going by the name that their fallen mate, astro, had once born, and had they their sight, they would have been astounded by the similarities between either being. they had found solace in her presence, broken and betrayed by their own heart and mind, feelings that they had long thought buried coming back to the surface and wreaking havoc on their body. they were an ancient being, benign once and brutal before and now again, but their heart would always remain a weakness for them as they had to admit to themself that the feeling of being alone was coming to hurt them once more, their nest alone and cold most nights. they had once thought that friends would be safe from the curse following them, the dragon having befriended a wyvern of tanglewood, their heart quick to begin it's surrender before the curse took her from them too, leaving no trace of the woman that they had befriended. now, they silently feared what would happen to those that they dared come close to, they feared for asteri, sam, fakhira, malak, violet, their own children ... they did not want to have to lose anybody else, they were already this far along in their life and to lose someone else ... it would surely kill the lonely beast. they were a weapon of war, not meant to be softened and to love, when it's sole purpose was a killing machine, honed to take down the enemy, not to hold them close and speak of gentle things. little did the slumbering beast know, that such thoughts would be disproved by their friends and family, that they were not just meant to be a tool of warfare, but a living being. deep in their slumber now, troubled and twisting ever still, did silver tears leak down the golden scales, chiseling pathways as they cried for those that they had lost, and stood to lose everyday.

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feel free to have someone come wake them up - they've definitely screamed and roared a few times! in summary, its going through their childhood, their adult years, their inheritance, their awakening in bobverse, losing all of their different beloveds and mates, and now their own fears of losing even more people that they care for. //

death is addressed in the second & third para //

the presence of the two brought the beast some relief, but not much, for as quickly had their twisting paused, did it begin anew, their teeth gnashing and grinding, fighting some imaginary foe, imaginary to those around them, but so very real to the dragon laid in their nest, entangled and trapped by the furs and materials that once made up their nest, the dirt hollow scratched and scraped from their desperate fight, lungs heaving. their eyes fought wars under their eyelids, sides heaving with every breath, a cry swallowed into their throat, silver tears streaming down their face still as their voices slowly reached through the veil keeping them from waking. their voice was rough, and raw with many emotions that they dared not voice, baring with it their struggles, "leave him alone! i'm your quarry you bastard!", they cried, talon-ed foot colliding with the trunk of the tree, pulling a sound of agony from the dragon.

their voices wiggled through the cracks beginning to surround the beast, transporting them to a softer time, a time just as burdened by loss and grief. their mate's body lay before them, twisted and torn, his dark fur stained red as his liquid life force seeped from him, his eyes long cold and empty of light. they were left alone again, the last of their light extinguished as they were cast into darkness and hopelessness, his body cold and limp to their touch and embrace, face buried in his chest as they grieved their loss anew, grieving for the poor murdered soul. voicing their pain and fear, they found their concious at another seen, back to the raid on the pitt, the feeling of the arrow thudding into their chest causing them to gasp in deepened agony, teeth gnashing as they hissed at the pain. they could still feel goldenluxury's claws digging into their body, taking their sight from them. growling now, the dragon's body went still before it twitched, a mighty snarl ripping from them, rolling to their feet, head raising up. the sound awoke them, ringing in their ears outside of the nightmare, pulling them from it with a roar.

head drooping back towards the ground, they grieved, dragon body disappearing into their jaguar body, paw coming to their muzzle, coughing and hacking as they choked on their own breath and tears, croaking, "asteri ... i couldn't protect you ... i ... i couldn't save you .... i failed you my love ...", they breathed, sobbing as they trembled and shook, not yet sensing fakhira or asteri there just outside their den, looking upon them, unaware that they had awoken them or any others. muzzle curling up in grief, they coughed, spitting blood to the side, flanks heaving, "asteri ... my chickadee ... you're gone on without me ... how i wish that you would come back to me ... don't leave me alone, i beg of you ... let me join you ... you're leaving me behind ...", they groaned, misty eyes fixed on the ruined remains of their nest, choking up as they began to cry once more. "just call me your xiao idiot one more time, please, my love. you're there, in the half light, but i cannot see you .. come back to me, chickadee ...", they breathed, head turning to the side where they saw asteri, their eyes growing wide in the dim light of their den, "c-chickadee?", they breathed, looking at her, stunned as they slowly got up. how foolish would they feel upon realizing that this was not their chickadee, but their groupmate before them, but the two shared a dark pelt and build, let alone the name. "have you come back for me?", they murmured, stepping from the shadows of their den, haggard and so very sad, looking worse for the wear.

their lumbering steps brought them to her, blue eyes pools of sadness and loneliness as they gently placed their muzzle upon her head, unaware of who it was that they were embracing, pushing their muzzle into her fur, shaking as they stood there, trying to find some solace from the rush of thoughts and emotions, the ancient entity of war so gentle and careful, as if afraid to break the one before them, lending them peace. nose buried in her fur, they inhaled a rough breath, heart breaking in their chest as it took them a few moments to realize that this tender and faint scent of lavender was not the same as the scent of petrichor and pine that clung to their mate's fur. opening eyes that had closed, thinking that they had found peace, they inhaled her scent again, body once relaxed now growing rigid as fear stained their tongue. they couldn't mistake their beloved, right? right? much to their horror, they were wrong.

as their mind came back to its senses, the jaguar recognized the scents of fakhira and asteri. taking a quick step back, they gave an anguished noise, mixed with horror at the situation they found themself in, "asteri?", they croaked, voice filled with recognition and terror, "oh gods, i'm so sorry ... i don't know what came over me.", they rumbled, putting space between them as they stepped back further, having enjoyed that short moment of peace, finding their body aching for more of it, more of the tender thoughts that they had believed in. shaking their head, the jaguar sat down heavily with a huff, looking over to fakhira, "my apologies, ladies. what's brought you to my den?", they asked as they cleared their throat, licking down their chest fur, noticing it had bristled.

looking up as they took a deep breath, they stilled the anxious pounding of their chest, breath short and painful. they shook their head as they tried to organize their thoughts, gaze taking in all who had come at the sound of their cries. a nightmare ... were they okay? they didn't know the answer to that anymore. taking a few deep uneven breaths, they exhaled, claws kneading the ground under them to try and hide their distress. looking back at the three there, they exhaled unevenly with a wry smile, wishing that they hadn't stepped back from asteri, not from the peace that she afforded them. rumbling softly, they licked their lips, "i'm sorry you three ... i haven't been sleeping well. it's been a long time since i've been disturbed by a nightmare.", they explained quietly, ears laying back as their mind screamed at them that they were telling lies. the group didn't need to know of their mental state, not right now. they hadn't been okay in a long time, but they hadn't let anybody close enough to find out enough about them to know that much.

putting on a smile that they knew was fake, they shook their head, "my apologies. i don't think i'll be getting back to sleep tonight ... i ... i just need some time.", they murmured softly, gaze tired and exhausted, head drooping. should they go find malak? should they go to the graveyard? gods, they didn't know what to do ... they were so lost. sucking in a breath, the jaguar bodied entity of war anxiously kneaded the ground, eyes closed as they tried to focus their mind. they would not find rest ... perhaps they could lay awake pondering what they could do for the future of the group, try and figure their own mind out. asteri's presence there was both a reminder of what they lost and a comfort, grateful that she hadn't reacted harshly or angrily to their moment of mistaking her for their mate. shoulders trembling, they found their heart admitting that they didn't want to be alone, but that was not something that they could ask for in good conscious. paws clenching at the dirt under their paws, they looked back over their shoulder, gaze empty, noting the destruction of their den, making a note to clean it up and fix it up.