03-04-2020, 01:09 PM
[font=trebuchet ms]Occasionally, a small part of her wondered if it really was all a dream.
Of course, the parts after waking up in the Ascendants, she was certain were real. It was impossible to dream of faces you had never actually seen, she had read while perusing psychology texts for further information about Nemhain. If it were one or two people, she could probably pass it off, but this was an entire clan of creatures; she couldn't possibly have met them all before losing her memories. Everything after that, though... who was to say that the illusions, the impostors, even the gods weren't a concoction of her own mind? Take a few strangers' faces, associate them with facets of an overwhelming guilt complex and other neuroses, shroud it all in a failing memory, and you had a history that couldn't be any less based in reality.
...No, things would be easier that way, so it couldn't possibly be true. She couldn't convince herself of such a thorough, out-and-out lie, and even if she could, revising her own history wouldn't help her protect Elysium. The gods would still be there, bearing down on the group regardless of her own perception- in fact, the gods were proof enough that that theory was completely false. Hallucinations were confined to a single person's mind, and she was pretty sure everyone had seen the Ferryman and the Captain.
Staring at the wall, Rin listened to the striking of stone echoing in her ears, memories flowing out from the cracks. Chamomile, comfrey, juniper, burdock. She didn't fight it. Soft singing. Lavender, staring at walls, repetition. Amputation. Rabbit's leg. Hawks. The names shivered in her vision, as if just thinking of the old medics, her old friends, invoked their very beings. That train of thought made no sense, but she was riding it anyway.
She heard a snort, behind her.
Was she being attacked again? She could hear clinking of metal, too loud in her overworked mind. Weapons? Armor? What god still survived that still had a use for either of those? Taking a deep breath, she forced herself to stand, wishing she hadn't spent all of her power. If she was struck down here, then the curse would pass on to Lemy, and-
The voice interrupted her thoughts. Bast's voice.
She turned sharply- too sharply, the sudden spiral sending bolts of pain through her head and spine. Despite the sudden jolt, she stared, wide-eyed, taking in the creature before her. Bastilleprisoner, no bloodstains, both eyes intact, clearly not the impostor who had attacked her so many months ago- apparently the genuine article.
...did he look older? He seemed almost as though he stood on the border of life and death, comfortable with both, and yet neither of them at the same time. Timeless. Deathless. Real, or a hallucination? Rubbing at her aching forehead with one paw, she blinked, then looked again. He still had his pendant, a pendant that she knew had never been on the tree. If only that helped her narrow it down.
...in all likelihood, he was just a figment of her imagination, but... it wouldn't have been the first time she carried on a conversation with one.
"If there's one thing I'm good at, it's obsessing over memories," Rin said finally, her voice hoarse. "I'm not exactly in a hurry to lose the ones I still have." She averted her eyes, sensing the familiar stinging once again. "It's the least I can do, after you all took me in."
Blinking a few times to numb the sensation, she lifted her head and met his gaze again. What else could she say that wasn't self-pitying? "I didn't think anyone would come back" would sound like an accusation. "They said I wasn't worth it" or "I'm so used to being alone" would sound like whining. If Bast was a hallucination it wouldn't matter, but if it was really him... she couldn't burden him with her problems. He'd been burdened enough.
With a deep breath, she nodded. "I'm sorry," she said simply, her ears swiveling back. "I could have done more... for everyone." What good was an apology now? Like she knew, but someone had to acknowledge it. Someone had to acknowledge that she could have helped all of them cope better with the loss of Starrynight, or stopped the incident that brought them to war with Sunhaven, or even just... stayed, instead of leaving to pursue her past.
It was easy to regret that, after how it had ended, but even if she had found something worthwhile within those hospital grounds, it would still have been wrong to leave.
Of course, the parts after waking up in the Ascendants, she was certain were real. It was impossible to dream of faces you had never actually seen, she had read while perusing psychology texts for further information about Nemhain. If it were one or two people, she could probably pass it off, but this was an entire clan of creatures; she couldn't possibly have met them all before losing her memories. Everything after that, though... who was to say that the illusions, the impostors, even the gods weren't a concoction of her own mind? Take a few strangers' faces, associate them with facets of an overwhelming guilt complex and other neuroses, shroud it all in a failing memory, and you had a history that couldn't be any less based in reality.
...No, things would be easier that way, so it couldn't possibly be true. She couldn't convince herself of such a thorough, out-and-out lie, and even if she could, revising her own history wouldn't help her protect Elysium. The gods would still be there, bearing down on the group regardless of her own perception- in fact, the gods were proof enough that that theory was completely false. Hallucinations were confined to a single person's mind, and she was pretty sure everyone had seen the Ferryman and the Captain.
Staring at the wall, Rin listened to the striking of stone echoing in her ears, memories flowing out from the cracks. Chamomile, comfrey, juniper, burdock. She didn't fight it. Soft singing. Lavender, staring at walls, repetition. Amputation. Rabbit's leg. Hawks. The names shivered in her vision, as if just thinking of the old medics, her old friends, invoked their very beings. That train of thought made no sense, but she was riding it anyway.
She heard a snort, behind her.
Was she being attacked again? She could hear clinking of metal, too loud in her overworked mind. Weapons? Armor? What god still survived that still had a use for either of those? Taking a deep breath, she forced herself to stand, wishing she hadn't spent all of her power. If she was struck down here, then the curse would pass on to Lemy, and-
The voice interrupted her thoughts. Bast's voice.
She turned sharply- too sharply, the sudden spiral sending bolts of pain through her head and spine. Despite the sudden jolt, she stared, wide-eyed, taking in the creature before her. Bastilleprisoner, no bloodstains, both eyes intact, clearly not the impostor who had attacked her so many months ago- apparently the genuine article.
...did he look older? He seemed almost as though he stood on the border of life and death, comfortable with both, and yet neither of them at the same time. Timeless. Deathless. Real, or a hallucination? Rubbing at her aching forehead with one paw, she blinked, then looked again. He still had his pendant, a pendant that she knew had never been on the tree. If only that helped her narrow it down.
...in all likelihood, he was just a figment of her imagination, but... it wouldn't have been the first time she carried on a conversation with one.
"If there's one thing I'm good at, it's obsessing over memories," Rin said finally, her voice hoarse. "I'm not exactly in a hurry to lose the ones I still have." She averted her eyes, sensing the familiar stinging once again. "It's the least I can do, after you all took me in."
Blinking a few times to numb the sensation, she lifted her head and met his gaze again. What else could she say that wasn't self-pitying? "I didn't think anyone would come back" would sound like an accusation. "They said I wasn't worth it" or "I'm so used to being alone" would sound like whining. If Bast was a hallucination it wouldn't matter, but if it was really him... she couldn't burden him with her problems. He'd been burdened enough.
With a deep breath, she nodded. "I'm sorry," she said simply, her ears swiveling back. "I could have done more... for everyone." What good was an apology now? Like she knew, but someone had to acknowledge it. Someone had to acknowledge that she could have helped all of them cope better with the loss of Starrynight, or stopped the incident that brought them to war with Sunhaven, or even just... stayed, instead of leaving to pursue her past.
It was easy to regret that, after how it had ended, but even if she had found something worthwhile within those hospital grounds, it would still have been wrong to leave.
tags (06/13/20):