two cubic tons of sand - jellybeans

[fulzanin]

WE'LL MAKE A WAY WHERE YOU CAN FIND YOUR PLACE
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"You can't even let me have this, can you," Feza muttered. Her tone broke away from the shaky and false attempt at delight. It had already dissipated when she had admitted to her true reasoning behind setting up all these jellybean plates. It gave way to some sort of near emotionless tone, a broken one, one that did not sound like the voice that Feza always used. Her voice was always light, delighted, a source of neverending joy and delight. It cracked and shattered as the plates would under stress. She shook, tensing, wings folding in on herself as if they would hide her if they touched her ribs. "They are sugary treats, and they smell nice, and they will make everyone happy." Feza repeated. Her voice shook, a sob breaking into her words, making her blue eyes squint shut. For a moment she had wanted to ask who Red was. She had only met the gorilla once to her knowledge, and he hadn't given his name. He had asked if her kazoo class was a joke, to which Feza had heartily answered that it was not. Her solid and undying joy had been present then. It was giving out now, it was breaking and unraveling and her face scrunched up as if it would somehow keep it all in.

Her ears raised upon hearing Crowley's words. The jellybeans wouldn't protect her from falling, and her attempt to hunt this way wouldn't work. It tore at her further, that even her attempts to keep her own self from falling into despair were a complete and utter failure. She couldn't even help the group be happy, nor could she hunt for them. "You don't know that, you haven't tried, I'll be the first to try and I'll- I'll," There her resolve gave way. Her mind was failing to supply her an alternative other than the truth. She sputtered and felt the tears in her eyes swell up and her head lowered as if it would keep her from crying. Gravity could easily pull on her tears when she was positioned in such a way. Feza shook horrifically, as if it would free her of the outrageous amount of fur that the snow leopard possessed, as if the shaking would free her from the pain that was clawing at her lungs and throat.

Her tail curled around one of her ankles, as if that would somehow comfort her. "You don't really care about what changed. You just, you just, just want me to curl up and die, don't you? You're waiting for that, aren't you? The day where I can't take this anymore and rot away in my home?!" Her voice was shaking and stammering, breaking apart the facade of ever present joy. It was pain filled, broken, distorted, tired, fearful, nearing the opposite of what Feza always presented of herself. She let her claws dig into the plate that she was standing on. "You're waiting for when you can catch me alone and kill me, aren't you? You can't lie to me! I know it! I've dreamt it night after night! You're, you're, you're waiting for me to be alone so you can kill me and get rid of me! It's happened before! I, I know it will happen again!" Feza's broken voice raised into a scream. Her ears lowered, the tears freely able to come from her eyes.

"I'm tired of having nightmares every single night about a lion killing me every night! I'm tired of having my, my wings ripped off, being impaled, my eyes ripped from my skull, my tail severed, impaled, bleeding, beheaded, ripped apart, and dying over and over again! You would do that to me, wouldn't you? Yes you would. You're just like her, you'd kill me because I'm just trying to make people happy." The snow leopard's chest heaved, as if she was about to vomit. She was vomiting up words, only words, which only made her chest tighten more to finally be saying it all. "I've never been buried and suffocated in my nightmares until last night. You'd do that if there weren't other's around. I know it. It's happened too many times for that to not be the case. You're trying to convince me otherwise so you can bury and suffocate me. Because you hate me and want me to die. I don't know a lot of things, but I know that. You sigh every time you come around! If you don't like what I'm doing, then, then, then just don't come! But instead, instead, instead," she sputtered and trailed off, her blue eyes squinting shut. More tears, more breaking, more tearing at her lungs and heart and a sudden realization that if such was true, she shouldn't be saying this at all. What if that was what would trigger the nightmares to become a reality? What if her admitting was only blowing the cover? It wasn't the most bizarre idea that had ever presented itself in Feza's mind.

She wasn't looking up anymore. Instead, the snow leopard was curled in on herself yet still standing as if she would be able to ease the aching in her chest - or perhaps disappear entirely from sight. Her vibrant colors refused to allow such a thing. "It's sickening to every night live out a life that I know I've had once. I don't know where it was, or when. It's so sickeningly similar. Someone of the same position of me wants me dead. Just because I want to make everyone happy. You'll kill me too." Feza's voice quieted, only worsening how terribly her voice shook. "How many times do I have to die in my sleep before my punishment is done? How long do I have to put up with this before it happens in the waking world? Or until the cardboard boxes say that my punishment is complete? What have, what have I done to invoke their anger?! I've done everything to make everyone happy and, and," The vibrant feline's paws raised, covering her head and her lowered ears. She shook furiously, sobbing, crying, her wings sticking away from her sides. Terrified summarized her posture, terrified and broken down.

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THE EMPTY CHAIRS WILL BE RESERVED FOR OUR PITY