— 〈 through the garden gate 〉

[LILY]

post–bad times. shitty because i'm sick.

cw for self-harm and suicidal ideation:

"It's not like I'm actively self-harming. It's just..."

Don't. Don't look up. You don't want to see their face. You are unworthy of their pity, their care. When did you get so weak? Or were you always like this, a sniveling coward who wants for more than they deserve? A breath sticks to your throat; you choke it down before it can choke you.

"It's knowing you're going to trip and doing nothing to catch yourself." Your voice is detached, light, like you're discussing the weather instead of your damaged psyche. Let them be horrified. Their revulsion would be easier to stomach. "There's no—when you're drowning, the instinct to swim isn't there. You have to make yourself paddle." The corner of your mouth quirks. "It feels more effort than it's worth, sometimes."

the organization that created Lily originally specialized in making war machines. only recently did they expand into tools of espionage and infiltration. Lily was part of the first batch that survived every test. Trojan horses, as they tentatively are called, are less recognizable as synthetic organisms than the war machine models.