you give love a bad name / open

[Hope Arcanium]

After the encounter with Ada at the border, Playerone did not know how to feel. Or rather, how to describe the feeling of someone repeatedly saying how much they loved you only to disappear for weeks to months at a time and play you and your heart like a fiddle, all the while you let them do so because you truly do love and care for them. You wonder if they feel the same as you do. When it wears you down to the point you feel trapped in some fucked up game the other created, wondering if their reasons for leaving were honestly the truth. Basically, the feeling of being left in the dark. The feeling of wanting to just drink the pain away. The feeling of unease and danger at every turn. The unwanted return of memories stored in the subconscious coming to the surface to play out their fucked up little games.

Play was sick of it all, but still, like a beat and lost puppy, she kept coming back to her. Still kept coming back despite the beatings she took emotionally in the process just to stay with her. Call her stubborn and stupid to keep trying, but her and Ada had a long history of this, a long history of becoming separated due to missions and such and being on the opposing side much to their dismay.

The world of bioterrorism was a harsh one- with Play being on the side of the war fighting against it and Ada... well, she had her own thing going for her. It was cruel, so cruel to see the things done by those possessing biological weapons. Player had both seen the effects and had been a victim as well. Play had been forced to join an organization of anti-bioterrorism due to them watching her fight her way through an infected colony she had called home, being one of the few survivors of it. In order to protect the few left, she had joined them.

With training she had become one of their best assets and to this day, still remained with them. She made tight friends along the way, even losing some in their battles together, wearing down on her heart slowly like poison. Who’s to say that love wasn’t some sort of sick poison all in itself? The thought sent the alabaster hybrid into a downward spiral.

Playerone would slink into the privacy of her home, leaving the door open a crack as she pulled out a bottle of wine, and with telekinesis, poured herself over half a glass of it before mixing it with vodka. Odd, but she wanted to lose herself for a moment in the quiet of her own home, to forget momentarily about what had recently happened. To forget the old memories that threatened to rise up and trigger her PTSD. To try and live in the here-and-now.

The scent of the alcohol was likely to draw attention as Play slowly began to drink it, the warmth flowing down her esophagus and finally stopping at the pit of her stomach. She would take care not to go past her limit or get blindly drunk. With the feeling of being under attack at any minute she still wanted to be as useful as possible.

“How could I have been so stupid!?” Her voice interrupted the silence sharply, her tone irritated and fed up. Lashing her tail, she finished the glass quickly, as she felt it wasn’t hitting her hard or fast enough. Everything was flooding back in a tidal wave that she was unable to control, and she slumped down in the corner, pouring another glass and placing it to the side.

“I can’t keep dealing with this anymore! I hate this!” A mix between sobbing and growling in aggression could be heard as she voiced her emotions aloud, forgetting the slightly open door.

“I’m done. I’m done. I keep sacrificing myself for her and everyone else and I can’t keep doing it all the time! I can’t! I can’t...” Player wished someone- anyone kind enough to lend an ear, would hear her cries for help and run to her aid, but her depression made it hard to believe anyone would care.

She fell slowly to the ground, covering her head with her paws.