10-06-2018, 12:30 AM
"I was the one who did it." To be completely honest, it felt like a weight had been lifted off of her shoulders, replaced with a heavier one, and she could feel the strange wetness welling up in her eyes, still unused to crying, especially over something like this. "I killed him, I mean. I don't know. My friends-" No, not friends. They hadn't been friends. They were just the burden she was stuck with, most likely for eternity, who had influenced her in this life, and would continue this cycle as she reincarnated again and again. For Thea, just knowing this was hell enough for her.
"Not friends. Voices. Little whispers." She corrected herself, paw raising to tap against her head. "It was kinda like a lot of people talking as one, so they were a bit hard to understand sometimes, like when I did something wrong and they got angry. I don't actually know exactly what they were, to be honest." What had her past self called it? Darker essences mixed in her aura? Yeah, something along those lines. "They suggested it, and I listened. Like I always did. So I killed him. To blame Bucky." The frustration was beginning to bubble up in her, forming a danger concoction with the anger, hatred, and sadness. "I don't even know exactly why they wanted that done. It's just a bunch of memories that don't fit into my life." All she knew was those blurred images that she had been shown, and those feelings and brief memories of family and friends dead. And all she knew was that Bucky had something to do with it. That he was to blamed for the loss she felt, even when those memories had no place in her life. Like extra puzzle pieces in a box. A mistake. Yes, that's what she was. A mistake. Something that needed to be dealt with. Disposed of. Yet killing her would only start it all over again, unravel what little progress she made with keeping those darker essences in check with whatever the hell her past self did.
And a small part of her still felt it was right. There would probably always be a part of her that justified her actions, a part she would do her best to not acknowledge.
"So there it is. I'm a murderer. I killed Roy. I hurt Oni. I hurt others as well, because I wasn't strong. Strong enough or smart enough to put a stop to it." It was ironic, really, this whole time, she thought she had been strong, but she was finally realizing how weak she was, mentally and emotionally, and how much of a handicap that was. That strength was nothing if it hurt the ones you cared about. Everything she believed, that she had killed others over was a complete lie, and Thea felt like a fool.
"Not friends. Voices. Little whispers." She corrected herself, paw raising to tap against her head. "It was kinda like a lot of people talking as one, so they were a bit hard to understand sometimes, like when I did something wrong and they got angry. I don't actually know exactly what they were, to be honest." What had her past self called it? Darker essences mixed in her aura? Yeah, something along those lines. "They suggested it, and I listened. Like I always did. So I killed him. To blame Bucky." The frustration was beginning to bubble up in her, forming a danger concoction with the anger, hatred, and sadness. "I don't even know exactly why they wanted that done. It's just a bunch of memories that don't fit into my life." All she knew was those blurred images that she had been shown, and those feelings and brief memories of family and friends dead. And all she knew was that Bucky had something to do with it. That he was to blamed for the loss she felt, even when those memories had no place in her life. Like extra puzzle pieces in a box. A mistake. Yes, that's what she was. A mistake. Something that needed to be dealt with. Disposed of. Yet killing her would only start it all over again, unravel what little progress she made with keeping those darker essences in check with whatever the hell her past self did.
And a small part of her still felt it was right. There would probably always be a part of her that justified her actions, a part she would do her best to not acknowledge.
"So there it is. I'm a murderer. I killed Roy. I hurt Oni. I hurt others as well, because I wasn't strong. Strong enough or smart enough to put a stop to it." It was ironic, really, this whole time, she thought she had been strong, but she was finally realizing how weak she was, mentally and emotionally, and how much of a handicap that was. That strength was nothing if it hurt the ones you cared about. Everything she believed, that she had killed others over was a complete lie, and Thea felt like a fool.
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I'll give up on giving up
[i]and get the world on my side
Thea — Nora — Adara