henri's august cdc tracker

[madster]

5. how would y/c deal with love?
word count : 500

Spoiler:

love. it was such an unfamiliar feeling to henri. he didn't really love anything, or anybody. he didn't even really love himself. he didn't that type of feeling. the closest thing he felt to love was probably his belief in belial- he felt close to the demon, in a strange way, but didn't have strange thoughts about him. henri, on his journey, had met a particularly brutish male named caesar. he was rough and had a demanding tone, and henri enjoyed being around him. all throughout henri's life, he had been in charge. he had power and control over the church of belial, being their devoted prophet and all, and caesar was the first person to ever put him in his place, to make him feel lesser. and he loved that feeling.

at night, henri thought what life would have been like if he had just decided to join the typhoon instead. so far, he had his doubts in the gospel he was told to deliver, and was pretty sure he'd be mocked for his beliefs anyways no matter where he was. here in snowbound, he had no ties- maybe a loose one to dimitri and atbash, sure, but that was it. he had no best friends, or people that made his heart skip a beat. ugh, he hated flowery words, but he'd use them to describe his feelings for caesar. whenever he thought about him, his stomach hurt and he felt like vomiting. his head was light and his legs were weak. he hated the feeling, but after doing research that was just called... a crush. he had a crush on caesar cipher, the dangerous typhooner. it was so dirty, so wrong- he wanted to run away with an enemy clan member, start a new life with him. all after a few letters and a few visits. every time he thought of him, he just sunk deeper and deeper into his own grave.

if he had lived in the typhoon, would he get more of caesar? or was it the danger of their relationship that made it so enticing? it was a sin, a broken law, and yet they both kept going for it. henri wondered if caesar felt the feelings he did- had caesar ever fallen in love before? had caesar ever had a crush on somebody, even somebody from an enemy clan? henri hoped one day he'd see caesar and then he'd tell him he loved him. he hated confronting his own feelings, though- so many times he had written it off as a friendly, platonic bond or caesar was just bored and a little aroused. still, he felt deep down that maybe caesar desired something more, a deeper relationship. it was this thought that kept him going when his religion or his god couldn't. the thought that one day, maybe he'd have the life he wanted instead of being the unwilling pawn in someone else's plan. so perhaps he did love something- he loved caesar cipher.