DREAD IN MY HEART / open, suicide attempt

[madster]

nayru was dead. every night, he had dreams about her. they'd spend what seemed like years forever, under a tree and the stars. he'd tell her about his day and nayru would laugh and tell him not to drink so much, and malphas would promise not to. except she wasn't real and couldn't stop him in reality, and he drank heavily. he had only known her for a month. why did she make such a big impact on his life? in his short eleven months, he hadn't really done anything except be a waste of space.

he was a waste of space. he was a nurse, but not a good one, a tanglewood member, but not an active one. he couldn't please beck or anyone or even tell stocking how he felt. he had already tried to die once, although that wasn't really planned, he just went with it and morgan and vigenere stopped him. this time, they couldn't stop him. nobody could. he was going to die and he wanted to so badly. he had spent days thinking about it, thinking about the warm embrace of death.

recalling his poison training, he still had nightshade left over. malphas thought of the cruel irony- a medic, dying using what he told others not to use. his entire life was hypocritical- he was supposed to be this paragon of health, but was anything but. finally, he could join nayru.

he ate the entire flower, bitter as it was. immediately, his throat swelled and his pupils dilated, his vision blurring. he had intended to die in the peace of his own home, but under the effects of the deadly drug, he had wandered outside into the night, stammering and muttering nonsense as he hallucinated the world moving around him.

finally, he would collapse in camp, ungraciously and pitiful, drool coming from his mouth.