07-15-2018, 09:27 AM
the subtle grace of gravity
[align=center]code by spacexual
Jacob suffered from nightmares regularly. Once again, the only person that actually knew that was Pincher, mostly because they lived in the same house and it was a little obvious what was going on when he'd wake up from a dead sleep in tears or panicking. Deniz was always there to calm him down when he needed it. Jacob had been worried about staying with Pincher and Goldie again at first. He worried that he'd bother him or that Goldie would be frightened by his behavior when he slept. She didn't seem bothered by it, though, and Pincher seemed worried but Jacob knew that he'd just worry more if he didn't stay. At least this way he could get some sleep. Before Pincher, even with all his herbs and treatments, Jacob couldn't get even a few hours of sleep without waking up and being completely unable to fall back asleep. At least this way he was getting a few hours every night, even if it still wasn't the optimal experience. Some nights he would even stay up for hours, worried about falling asleep because he didn't want to have to face another nightmare. He knew that didn't help anything, though, and he'd eventually take his herbs and try to sleep.
Last night had been... fine, all things considered. Ever since he'd seen Caesar burst into flames, his nightmares had gotten worse but he knew that'd fade with time. Any interaction with fire always made all of it worse, though Jacob did his best to just get over it. He knew it wasn't something that could be solved in a matter of days, or even weeks or years. He knew this was a serious problem and he had to stop expecting to wake up and be completely better. Honestly, the physical ailments he had weren't the worst of the damage that'd been done to him following the fire. Just the other days, he'd been trying to light a candle, just a small one, and he hadn't been able to bring himself to do it. He wanted so badly to go on a date with Pincher where he lit a candle, a real one, not the batter operated ones he found some time ago, and they sat and ate happily. Deniz would be so proud of him if he could get over his fear and tolerate fire enough to have a single candle lit between them during a romantic evening. He hadn't told the other man of his plans to actually try this but Jacob wanted to do it. He wanted to get better and get over his fear. He was sick of living, waiting for something terrible to happen. He wanted to be happy. For now, though, that was a long way away. Especially after the incident with Caesar, he didn't think he'd be trying to light a candle any time soon.
Beyond mental difficulties, the fire had given Jacob a variety of physical problems. The burn scars were awful and covered much of his body, though he covered it all up with a sweater and bandages. He hated the thought of anyone seeing him like that. The only one that had in Typhoon was Pincher and that hadn't even been by choice. Guru had forced him to take off everything he had on before Deniz came to save him from her. That was the last time he'd let his boyfriend look at him without his sweater and bandages on. Even as their relationship progressed, Jacob wouldn't let Pincher see him. He was too afraid of what would happen, of if he'd be more disappointed now that they were closer. When he was just a random guy that Deniz was helping in a cell, maybe it was alright, but Jacob was terrified it'd be different now. Beyond just the cosmetic look of his scars, his muscles and nerves in some areas had been severely damaged. Every day when he took his bandages off, he had to check to be sure that he hadn't received some sort of cut or injury because, if he had, he wouldn't feel it. Then there were other times when he'd have massive waves of pain in those areas, as though he were burning all over again. Then there was the fact he'd already had asthma before the fire but the smoke during the fire certainly hadn't done anything to help it. There were just so many problems and sometimes Jacob wasn't sure he could keep track of them all.
Even with all his physical problems though, Jacob never attempted to change his body. He wasn't really sure why, although he was almost certain it was due to the fact that he didn't know how, and that was counting on the fact he could even do it. There were plenty of people with no powers at all that couldn't do such things. At this point, though, he wasn't sure getting a new body would even change anything. He knew it wouldn't just magically change the way he'd felt about himself for months after the fire. He knew it wouldn't really be able to change his mindset. However, it would be able to change the fact that his legs, his body, were failing. At this point, he knew it was a matter of time before they gave out and he was forced to use the wheelchair he'd built for himself some time ago or he'd have to ask another medical professional to amputate his legs for him so he could put on the prosthetics he'd designed. He didn't think there was anyone he'd trust to do that, though, either. He knew that both Solvieg and Rosemary had medical knowledge but trusting them to do an entire surgery like this on him was a lot to ask for a man that probably should've been diagnosed with multiple disorders related to stress quite some time ago. Besides, he wasn't even sure if they'd want to do it. There was a high risk when doing removals like that, it was far too easy to bleed out without the proper skills and equipment. He wasn't sure what he'd do about it all but changing bodies wasn't an option for him.
He heard someone whistle and frowned slightly, looking around for whoever might be the subject of such attention. There had been plenty of people in the city that did things like that on a regular basis and Jacob always found it annoying, even if he was friends with some of the ones that did it. His eyes then landed on a strawberry leopard and he made his way over with a light smile. "'M sorry 'bout tha' ma'm, I can assure ya' not everyone 'ere is like that. I don' think we've actually m-" Before he could finish what he was saying, he heard her voice and he stopped, confusion clouding his features. "Roxie? Why're ya'... what happened? Not tha' it's bad, ah' course, ya' look fine, but... how'd this happen?" he asked. Jacob tended to almost always be sensitive when referencing someone's physical appearance, considering how much trouble he had with his own. He wouldn't want her to feel like he thought she looked bad now or something. He was a little disappointed that she was taller than him now but it wasn't her problem he had a low self esteem.
Last night had been... fine, all things considered. Ever since he'd seen Caesar burst into flames, his nightmares had gotten worse but he knew that'd fade with time. Any interaction with fire always made all of it worse, though Jacob did his best to just get over it. He knew it wasn't something that could be solved in a matter of days, or even weeks or years. He knew this was a serious problem and he had to stop expecting to wake up and be completely better. Honestly, the physical ailments he had weren't the worst of the damage that'd been done to him following the fire. Just the other days, he'd been trying to light a candle, just a small one, and he hadn't been able to bring himself to do it. He wanted so badly to go on a date with Pincher where he lit a candle, a real one, not the batter operated ones he found some time ago, and they sat and ate happily. Deniz would be so proud of him if he could get over his fear and tolerate fire enough to have a single candle lit between them during a romantic evening. He hadn't told the other man of his plans to actually try this but Jacob wanted to do it. He wanted to get better and get over his fear. He was sick of living, waiting for something terrible to happen. He wanted to be happy. For now, though, that was a long way away. Especially after the incident with Caesar, he didn't think he'd be trying to light a candle any time soon.
Beyond mental difficulties, the fire had given Jacob a variety of physical problems. The burn scars were awful and covered much of his body, though he covered it all up with a sweater and bandages. He hated the thought of anyone seeing him like that. The only one that had in Typhoon was Pincher and that hadn't even been by choice. Guru had forced him to take off everything he had on before Deniz came to save him from her. That was the last time he'd let his boyfriend look at him without his sweater and bandages on. Even as their relationship progressed, Jacob wouldn't let Pincher see him. He was too afraid of what would happen, of if he'd be more disappointed now that they were closer. When he was just a random guy that Deniz was helping in a cell, maybe it was alright, but Jacob was terrified it'd be different now. Beyond just the cosmetic look of his scars, his muscles and nerves in some areas had been severely damaged. Every day when he took his bandages off, he had to check to be sure that he hadn't received some sort of cut or injury because, if he had, he wouldn't feel it. Then there were other times when he'd have massive waves of pain in those areas, as though he were burning all over again. Then there was the fact he'd already had asthma before the fire but the smoke during the fire certainly hadn't done anything to help it. There were just so many problems and sometimes Jacob wasn't sure he could keep track of them all.
Even with all his physical problems though, Jacob never attempted to change his body. He wasn't really sure why, although he was almost certain it was due to the fact that he didn't know how, and that was counting on the fact he could even do it. There were plenty of people with no powers at all that couldn't do such things. At this point, though, he wasn't sure getting a new body would even change anything. He knew it wouldn't just magically change the way he'd felt about himself for months after the fire. He knew it wouldn't really be able to change his mindset. However, it would be able to change the fact that his legs, his body, were failing. At this point, he knew it was a matter of time before they gave out and he was forced to use the wheelchair he'd built for himself some time ago or he'd have to ask another medical professional to amputate his legs for him so he could put on the prosthetics he'd designed. He didn't think there was anyone he'd trust to do that, though, either. He knew that both Solvieg and Rosemary had medical knowledge but trusting them to do an entire surgery like this on him was a lot to ask for a man that probably should've been diagnosed with multiple disorders related to stress quite some time ago. Besides, he wasn't even sure if they'd want to do it. There was a high risk when doing removals like that, it was far too easy to bleed out without the proper skills and equipment. He wasn't sure what he'd do about it all but changing bodies wasn't an option for him.
He heard someone whistle and frowned slightly, looking around for whoever might be the subject of such attention. There had been plenty of people in the city that did things like that on a regular basis and Jacob always found it annoying, even if he was friends with some of the ones that did it. His eyes then landed on a strawberry leopard and he made his way over with a light smile. "'M sorry 'bout tha' ma'm, I can assure ya' not everyone 'ere is like that. I don' think we've actually m-" Before he could finish what he was saying, he heard her voice and he stopped, confusion clouding his features. "Roxie? Why're ya'... what happened? Not tha' it's bad, ah' course, ya' look fine, but... how'd this happen?" he asked. Jacob tended to almost always be sensitive when referencing someone's physical appearance, considering how much trouble he had with his own. He wouldn't want her to feel like he thought she looked bad now or something. He was a little disappointed that she was taller than him now but it wasn't her problem he had a low self esteem.
the heavy weight of stone
[glow=black,2,300]a beauty calm and clear[/glow]
☆ snowbound & 14 moons & dealer &@ vellichor