07-06-2018, 12:41 AM
It was only like a few hours after Atbash's announcement and Izuku was already in hell. He hadn't been having a good time lately in general -- his life was in shambles. Shambles of what had already been shambles of shambles and it was just shambles-ception. Izuku was just trying to scrape by here and everyday he was leaving behind his old life more and more and the only reason he hadn't just completely forgotten about it was 'cause of Aizawa and all of the people who showed up and vanished immediately. It's scaring him. A lot of things are scaring him right now. Everything is wrong and he just doesn't want to really exist right now.
.. Right. Right. Rightrightrightright. This isn't the point. Not at all. Here's the thing about Jacob stepping down -- Izuku doesn't know what to do. He's by himself now. Jacob wasn't there to teach him and isn't there for Izuku to fall back on if he doesn't know what to do. He hadn't known what to do when Killua was hurt or with all of the sick people and that'd been stressful. Jacob hadn't helped him with the sickness -- been too busy, hadn't been there at all. That'd been scary and Izuku had just been holding out till the other came back. That's what this is like -- but here's the thing. There's no more 'holding out' for a few weeks or a few months. If he decided he didn't have what it took to be a healer, when he felt so incapable and prone to violence and acts of heroism. Izuku can't just give up and hand this job to somebody else, and he hadn't been planning on it anyways, but he couldn't back out now. He was just sort of .. here forever. No choice. And he didn't even know what he was doing. He messed up so much and he wasn't even good enough. His training wasn't done. He wasn't quite sure what to do about really bad injuries or other stuff and if he didn't know what to do somebody might die and it'll be all on him and it'll be all his fault. Cause he wasn't good enough. Izuku wasn't a natural at this -- his learning had been slow and through sheer willpower alone. Izuku still needed to recover, too. Reading for too long hurt so much and so did moving his leg and he ached a lot of the time. He was prone to panic and oh god he was going to ruin everything. His head already hurt so damn much -- he'd been hurriedly trying to remember everything he possibly could every chance he got, because he couldn't mess up. He didn't want somebody to die just cause of his own faults, and it's not like Izuku was a licensed fucking doctor or anything. He couldn't graduate med school or anything -- his promotion to Frosthealer if that ever happens will be considered enough. .. Izuku wonders when he'll get promoted and considered a full healer or whatever. It's a scary thought -- absolutely terrifying. Now that Jacob is gone, they'll have to have him fill the rank back up as soon as he's ready, or when Atbash thinks he's ready, but Izuku isn't sure if he'll ever be ready. He wasn't ready for any of the other injured people and he wouldn't be ready for this. And once he was Frosthealer he'd have to truly did everything Jacob did and he'd have to try and find a Tenderfoot to train and Izuku just wasn't gonna be ready. He was a kitten, basically. A kid. Before all of this had happened he'd just been a kid going to high school and he'd already had enough on his shoulder with villains and All Might and One for All. But, somehow, this was worse. He was practically born for heroism -- but medicine just felt so off-center and he just ... he's not sure.
Gently, Izuku allows his head to drop to the table in front of his book with a soft thump. His head hurts. He's trying so hard to focus on his book but it's the middle of the night and every time he tries to focus his eyes the ache just gets that much worse. He doesn't know what to do. He squeezes his eyes shut, claws digging into the table as he tries to keep his breath even. It's fine. It'll be fine -- he'll get it eventually, he has to, even if he has to pull all nighters to do it. God, he's tired and everything hurts.
.. Right. Right. Rightrightrightright. This isn't the point. Not at all. Here's the thing about Jacob stepping down -- Izuku doesn't know what to do. He's by himself now. Jacob wasn't there to teach him and isn't there for Izuku to fall back on if he doesn't know what to do. He hadn't known what to do when Killua was hurt or with all of the sick people and that'd been stressful. Jacob hadn't helped him with the sickness -- been too busy, hadn't been there at all. That'd been scary and Izuku had just been holding out till the other came back. That's what this is like -- but here's the thing. There's no more 'holding out' for a few weeks or a few months. If he decided he didn't have what it took to be a healer, when he felt so incapable and prone to violence and acts of heroism. Izuku can't just give up and hand this job to somebody else, and he hadn't been planning on it anyways, but he couldn't back out now. He was just sort of .. here forever. No choice. And he didn't even know what he was doing. He messed up so much and he wasn't even good enough. His training wasn't done. He wasn't quite sure what to do about really bad injuries or other stuff and if he didn't know what to do somebody might die and it'll be all on him and it'll be all his fault. Cause he wasn't good enough. Izuku wasn't a natural at this -- his learning had been slow and through sheer willpower alone. Izuku still needed to recover, too. Reading for too long hurt so much and so did moving his leg and he ached a lot of the time. He was prone to panic and oh god he was going to ruin everything. His head already hurt so damn much -- he'd been hurriedly trying to remember everything he possibly could every chance he got, because he couldn't mess up. He didn't want somebody to die just cause of his own faults, and it's not like Izuku was a licensed fucking doctor or anything. He couldn't graduate med school or anything -- his promotion to Frosthealer if that ever happens will be considered enough. .. Izuku wonders when he'll get promoted and considered a full healer or whatever. It's a scary thought -- absolutely terrifying. Now that Jacob is gone, they'll have to have him fill the rank back up as soon as he's ready, or when Atbash thinks he's ready, but Izuku isn't sure if he'll ever be ready. He wasn't ready for any of the other injured people and he wouldn't be ready for this. And once he was Frosthealer he'd have to truly did everything Jacob did and he'd have to try and find a Tenderfoot to train and Izuku just wasn't gonna be ready. He was a kitten, basically. A kid. Before all of this had happened he'd just been a kid going to high school and he'd already had enough on his shoulder with villains and All Might and One for All. But, somehow, this was worse. He was practically born for heroism -- but medicine just felt so off-center and he just ... he's not sure.
Gently, Izuku allows his head to drop to the table in front of his book with a soft thump. His head hurts. He's trying so hard to focus on his book but it's the middle of the night and every time he tries to focus his eyes the ache just gets that much worse. He doesn't know what to do. He squeezes his eyes shut, claws digging into the table as he tries to keep his breath even. It's fine. It'll be fine -- he'll get it eventually, he has to, even if he has to pull all nighters to do it. God, he's tired and everything hurts.
☀ what was i worth
[align=center]![[Image: ezgif-7-f3e523f182d0.gif]](https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/463081660515221505/684393717838249984/ezgif-7-f3e523f182d0.gif)