It was only like a few hours after Atbash's announcement and Izuku was already in hell. He hadn't been having a good time lately in general -- his life was in shambles. Shambles of what had already been shambles of shambles and it was just shambles-ception. Izuku was just trying to scrape by here and everyday he was leaving behind his old life more and more and the only reason he hadn't just completely forgotten about it was 'cause of Aizawa and all of the people who showed up and vanished immediately. It's scaring him. A lot of things are scaring him right now. Everything is wrong and he just doesn't want to really exist right now.
.. Right. Right. Rightrightrightright. This isn't the point. Not at all. Here's the thing about Jacob stepping down -- Izuku doesn't know what to do. He's by himself now. Jacob wasn't there to teach him and isn't there for Izuku to fall back on if he doesn't know what to do. He hadn't known what to do when Killua was hurt or with all of the sick people and that'd been stressful. Jacob hadn't helped him with the sickness -- been too busy, hadn't been there at all. That'd been scary and Izuku had just been holding out till the other came back. That's what this is like -- but here's the thing. There's no more 'holding out' for a few weeks or a few months. If he decided he didn't have what it took to be a healer, when he felt so incapable and prone to violence and acts of heroism. Izuku can't just give up and hand this job to somebody else, and he hadn't been planning on it anyways, but he couldn't back out now. He was just sort of .. here forever. No choice. And he didn't even know what he was doing. He messed up so much and he wasn't even good enough. His training wasn't done. He wasn't quite sure what to do about really bad injuries or other stuff and if he didn't know what to do somebody might die and it'll be all on him and it'll be all his fault. Cause he wasn't good enough. Izuku wasn't a natural at this -- his learning had been slow and through sheer willpower alone. Izuku still needed to recover, too. Reading for too long hurt so much and so did moving his leg and he ached a lot of the time. He was prone to panic and oh god he was going to ruin everything. His head already hurt so damn much -- he'd been hurriedly trying to remember everything he possibly could every chance he got, because he couldn't mess up. He didn't want somebody to die just cause of his own faults, and it's not like Izuku was a licensed fucking doctor or anything. He couldn't graduate med school or anything -- his promotion to Frosthealer if that ever happens will be considered enough. .. Izuku wonders when he'll get promoted and considered a full healer or whatever. It's a scary thought -- absolutely terrifying. Now that Jacob is gone, they'll have to have him fill the rank back up as soon as he's ready, or when Atbash thinks he's ready, but Izuku isn't sure if he'll ever be ready. He wasn't ready for any of the other injured people and he wouldn't be ready for this. And once he was Frosthealer he'd have to truly did everything Jacob did and he'd have to try and find a Tenderfoot to train and Izuku just wasn't gonna be ready. He was a kitten, basically. A kid. Before all of this had happened he'd just been a kid going to high school and he'd already had enough on his shoulder with villains and All Might and One for All. But, somehow, this was worse. He was practically born for heroism -- but medicine just felt so off-center and he just ... he's not sure.
Gently, Izuku allows his head to drop to the table in front of his book with a soft thump. His head hurts. He's trying so hard to focus on his book but it's the middle of the night and every time he tries to focus his eyes the ache just gets that much worse. He doesn't know what to do. He squeezes his eyes shut, claws digging into the table as he tries to keep his breath even. It's fine. It'll be fine -- he'll get it eventually, he has to, even if he has to pull all nighters to do it. God, he's tired and everything hurts.

ATBASH CIPHER

i should've said what i hear
i should have let myself fear

bio | female | chief [leader] of snowbound

Being a Tenderfoot alone had brought a lot of responsibility onto Izuku's shoulders, honestly. He wasn't made to be a healer. And he was one 'cause he was scared and he's already caused so much hurt. He just .. wanted to be a hero. He'd wanted to be a hero so bad but what could he do when all he ever did was hurt people more than he helped? Which was really what lead Izuku to the split-second decision to participate in Jacob's Tenderfoot session. But. Butbutbut. He could do it soon. Soon, once Izuku knew all of the general remedies for all of the general injuries and such, it'd be fine. He'd be Frosthealer and he could take a short break and then he could go back to learning how to treat very specific problems. He'd .. be fine eventually. But for now, he's just one scared, overworked kid who probably shouldn't have this much responsibility on his shoulders.
"H -- Hi, Atbash," Izuku says softly, slowly lifting his head from the table. It hurts to move his head, and he only opens his eyes for a moment before squeezing them shut again. Hurt. He, personally, finds it kind of funny that he's that predictable that it probably didn't take her long to find him. Still, Izuku spends a few moments just -- breathing, before he tries to respond. Was he alright? Absolutely not, but it'd be okay. It'd be just fine. He just .. ugh. "Y -- yeah, I'll be okay. I might, u-uh, take a break to make tea, though," He needed to .. do .. something. Eyes, head. Stress, tension. Okay. An eyewash and .. maybe chamoline tea? Or maybe migraine because good god if that's not what Izuku has right now. It takes a minute for him to convince himself to slide off of the chair, though, grimacing as he lands. It's fine. Just fine.

Izuku wasn't dumb, he knew that Atbash must be stressed by her responsibilities, too. He wasn't the only one suffering from the change. But .. well, at least atbash had people to help her, even she probably had more weight on her shoulders. Whatever HPs she may promote or have, they could help her, and Izuku would give his all to assist wherever he could, too. Meanwhile, Izuku -- well, until he could recruit somebody else onto the medical team, he was on his own.
"I .. can't, though," Izuku makes a passively frustrated motion with one of his wings. He wasn't good enough. All the breaks he took were times he could be reading and learning everything he could so that he could be a good medic. So nobody else would suffer. Izuku wasn't meant for this job, but when Izuku put his heart into something, like he had with this, he went big or went home. He isn't in any real state of mind to recognize Atbash's attempts at lightening the mood, unfortunately, with his head pounding and nothing was right. Not that he'd rrcognize it very easily in peak health or whatevet. Izuku wasn't good at that, especially since English wasn't his native language.
".. Yeah," Izuku gives a little at Atbash's question, ears falling back slightly. He couldn't lie to her, anf he there wasn't a point to doing so anyways. The Maine Coon shakes his head. "I don't .. know enough. And if I don't know enough, somebody couls get --" Izuku cuts himself off. Killed, hurt, crippled, anything fit. And Izuku didn't want to let that happen. He couldn't. He had to be a hero in the only ways he knew how to anymore, and he had to make up for all the people he's hurt. He had to be better.
//haa mobile

ATBASH CIPHER

i should've said what i hear
i should have let myself fear

bio | female | chief [leader] of snowbound