No matter the cost // open+400th post

[jacob w.c.]

WHAT A PRIVILEGE IT IS TO LOVE — Jacob heard the pawsteps long before he heard any voices and he tried desperately to get himself under control. He could always sob when he got home. Right now he was still out in the open and he needed to calm himself down. Still, even as he tried to slow his breathing, it only sped up more. He felt like he was going to suffocate. Like all the fear was wrapping bony fingers around his lungs and squeezing them. Another sob came from him when he heard Natasha's question and he fought the urge to run. He didn't want to run anymore. He promised himself he wouldn't. Not when things were well, not when they got hard, never. He didn't want to run again. He was sick of being chased from home to home by these people and he was sick of having to hide everything about himself and he was sick of feeling constantly fearful and paranoid. He just wanted to be better. He didn't want the hallucinations, the smell of smoke that haunted him, the nightmares, the paranoia, the running. None of it. He just wanted to be happy and he wanted the people he loved the most to be with him. He wanted Jersey to come home from wherever he'd disappeared to, he wanted Pincher to be safe and come stay with him here, he wanted his Babbo to stop climbing towards that throne in the city and just be with him, he wanted his Ma and Pa to be here with him and healthy and alive. But all of those things were just desperate wishes from a kid that hadn't really been ready to grow up when he had to.

"I-It's fine-" the words came as a wheeze as he tried to stumble away from the pair. He didn't want his apprentice to see him like this. He didn't want anyone to see him like this. He'd been doing better for so long. He thought for sure that maybe some of the treatments were working. He knew there would always be bad days but this was awful. He'd been so nervous and paranoid and his mind felt like it was being pulled in so many directions that he never knew what to think or do. And now he couldn't even talk to Pincher about it. "It's fine." Maybe if he said those words enough, they'd believe it and it'd be true but the seizing breaths that kept getting closer and closer to hyperventilation told otherwise. Ever since the situation with the humans had first broken out, Jacob's mental health had been declining. Then Pincher had gotten hurt and now this. He wasn't sure how much more he could take. It was all so overwhelming. It was all so much. He never wanted this. Archie said in his letter that he was impressed but Jacob never wanted any of this. He didn't want to lead Snowbound, he didn't want to do anything other than be a doctor who helped everyone he could and someday have his own family. Jacob saw how power tore his family apart and he never wanted to be a part of that again, yet here he was. "It's fine." The words became part of the sobs now, riding on short exhales followed by sticky, sharp inhales. —A GREAT HONOR TO HOLD YOU UP

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