mischievous woodpecker;; O, Panic attack, development, OOC prompt

[CAESAR CIPHER.]

SO NOTORIOUS !

CAESAR CIPHER. MALE. THE TYPHOON. CREW MATE.

//aaa I just ended up rambling about Caesar's past again; the only relevant paragraphs are the 2nd and last one ^^'
Also small trigger warning for mentions/thoughts of suicide in paragraph 4

If Caesar knew what Argus was dreaming about, he would probably laugh at her and tell her that everything was fine. That he himself was the blame of his home being destroyed and how proud he was of that. He remembered what it was like feeling the heat of flames, watching the fire grow and burn everything in its path - including people. He watched his Dimension rot from the inside out and escaped with his siblings at the last minute. He remembered how the Dimension started to die; turning dark and black on one side and traveling fast to the other, before disappearing entirely. At the same time, however, Caesar acted like he was proud of that, he really wasn't. But he was lying to himself just as much as he was lying to everybody else about that; even he had to tell himself that he was proud of it.

Caesar didn't sleep often, so it wasn't a surprise that he heard the noises coming from Argus's room. And being the nosy person he was, he stuck his head out of his window when he heard the sound of a splash, just in time to see Argus running off. And just because he was a nosy person, Caesar quickly turned tail and ran through the ship, trying to catch up to the canine. Unfortunately for him, he wasn't fast enough (for many reasons, including the body he possessed being sleep deprived), and he definitely wasn't going to catch up anytime soon when she took off into the air. But that didn't stop Caesar was still trying to run after her. Now, of course, water was going to be an issue, but he was going to use an NPC to help maneuver a boat, since he didn't know how to do that and swimming wasn't his thing. Possessing a water-dwelling creature was an option, sure, but he also didn't have the energy to do that right now.

Although Caesar wasn't aware of what what going on with Argus (since he wasn't with her right now and didn't have telepathy to try to get into her mind to help), but once again, he would probably scoff and laugh at her having a panic attack. And again, he would boast about how proud he was of destroying his home. He would claim he didn't understand why she was so upset, but oh how wrong that was. He was upset, but he was afraid of showing that. Although he didn't have panic attacks over the memories, they just caused him extreme distress and caused his consciousness to fight with his mind and body (which explained the internal bleeding). Panic attacks were another sign of weakness in his opinion, and if he knew Argus was having one, he'd probably start to see her as weak. She was a large creature and had a terrifying way of holding herself as she walked, so it'd come as a huge surprise that she was having an attack, and Caesar would be highly disappointed.

But just like Argus, Caesar didn't forget what he had done. He couldn't forget what he had done. It was horrible, he knew, and he had to keep acting like everything was fine. And every night, those memories would come to haunt him. They would torture him, terrorize him, although not nearly as much as they did during his Entrance Ritual. The Entrance Ritual took his memories to a whole new level, by creating events that didn't happen. Caesar still had no damn clue what the NPCs put in his drink - or hell, what the drink even was, but he absolutely fucking despised what happened to him. So it was safe to say he wasn't going to accept any drinks from anybody from that day forward.
Even so, that doesn't erase the fact he still had daydream-nightmares - daymares? - about what happened, and it haunted him. He never seemed to get any rest from getting those memories every night (and that's not what prevented him from sleeping; he just choose not to), and it was tiring, honestly. So Caesar could relate to the voices Argus heard about how she didn't let go of the past, however the voices he heard were accusing him of not doing the right thing, telling him to kill himself for what he did, to just end it all; he should just erase himself from existence. They snarled at him about how terrible of a person he was for doing what he did, how much of a disgrace he was. And Caesar had to fight those thoughts off, and half the time, he honestly considered listening to them. Caesar didn't want to live with the guilt anymore, but at the same time... If people knew he destroyed his home and didn't feel any remorse, he would be feared, and that's what mattered most to him. Or so he believed, anyway.

And just like Argus, Caesar wanted a place to fit in. He wanted a home, he wanted to be somebody, and somehow he thought destroying his home would suffice enough. It was funny to think that; that he would find something on this Earth,
when he already had a home. He may not have been able to fit in, especially after the Shaman's predictions and him getting exiled, but at least he had a home. And The Typhoon could never be that. Caesar knew how some people didn't like him, and he believed he was going to change that, but at the same time... He didn't care.
"Argus?" Caesar panted as he finally caught up to the wolf, practically heaving for air. "The hell's happened to you this time?"

//aaa semi-rushed towards the end since I got called to do something by my mom lol

#psychosocial.