betrayed trust — toshinori

[guts]

He had been waiting for All Might to show up. It was odd how he managed to show before he did, considering he died first, but it didn't matter much now. They were here and now it was time to face the music. He had tried to run from memories of his death, as they only brought guilt and bitterness, but with Toshinori here it was hard to. Neither of them could avoid it, especially with how angry he was with him right now. He had seemed regretful enough, which pleased him somewhat, but he still had a lot to talk about with him.

It could have been simple. With what little power he had left, he could have wiped them all out, ended it then and there. But he didn't--he didn't even try. It could have been solved so easily, and that grated on his nerves more than anything else. They could have saved so many people if he hadn't grown so broken after Izuku's death. That was something he should have expected, the loss of someone in such a situation with villains. His grief wasn't invalid, but his whole giving up thing definitely was. It wasn't fair to anyone.

Once he had some time to cool off, Aizawa went searching for him, certain now that he wouldn't just end up hitting him. Or maybe he would, if he said something stupid. He'd just have to strangle him with his scarf. He shakes his head, clearing his thoughts as he searches camp for the serval, eventually finding him. "Toshinori," he says upon approach, tail lashing. "You're coming on patrol with me. Let's go,"

Without even waiting for his response, he turns, starting to walk away. He expected him to do some work around Snowbound, at least to make up for what he did in their last battle.

"SPEECH"

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[dead chars]

" IT'S FINE NOW. WHY? BECAUSE I AM HERE! "

Aizawa had always been intimidating. Not only did he have the power to erase quirks (though temporarily), but he was... creepy, no-emotions-except-annoyance Aizawa. Though Toshinori couldn't imagine ever having to fight him, he was certainly a dangerous opponent if it ever came to that.
Previously, the serval hadn't thought that he would even be contemplating counter-attacks and such, but after the events of his joining he couldn't help but think of it at least. The lion was bigger than he was, and he didn't have any power left- he wasn't even sure that their quirks transferred into this world, but even if they did, he knew it wouldn't matter anyway. Toshinori was weak either way.

Still, it wasn't a great thing to let his mind wander into that more violent territory. It wasn't like he wanted to fight, it was just that if it ever came to it, he felt he needed to be a little prepared. The serval much preferred talking in this form, though. Communication was key.
Of course, talking meant facing the other man, and that was something he still wasn't sure he wanted to do. After giving up, failing miserably, and selfishly throwing away the last shreds of hope his students and peers had... well, Aizawa had every right to be furious with him. He needed to do something to make up for it, since apologies would never be enough. He did have his limits, though.

For example, he had a strong opposition to the patrol that he was apparently going on.
Though the words passed through his ears, Toshinori didn't move from his spot. He owed Aizawa a lot, but he didn't feel like giving up his life again. Of course, the first time he'd died, it had been because of purely selfish reasons, and had caused a deadly domino effect, but... he realized how awful his reasoning was. It would probably be better if he was dead after all. But that didn't mean he wanted to be.
"Go find someone else. You hate my guts anyway."

Cerulean orbs burned up at Aizawa, but he was... nervous. This probably wasn't the right decision to make, protesting his leaving, but he didn't want to die or disappear under mysterious circumstances or something like that.

code by spacexual

[guts]

Aizawa had expected some reluctance, so it didn't come as a surprise when he said to go find someone else. The thing was, he wasn't taking him out on a patrol just for the sake of having him there. They had a lot to discuss, after all. He had no intentions of being the cause of him disappearing, either--at least not yet. Maybe eventually, but not now. Stopping in his tracks, he doesn't bother looking back, instead trailing his eyes up towards the sky. He lets out a soft 'hmm,' then finally looks over his shoulder at the serval. His expression was surprisingly placid.

"I don't remember asking. Besides," hoping to catch him off-guard, he tries to wrap his scarf around one of Toshinori's paws, hoping to yank it out from underneath him. "I thought that was the least you could do for me, considering you didn't exactly do me any favors in that fight," he knew where to hit to make it hurt. He wasn't going to back down so easily, either.

Exhaling through his nose, the lion turns back, beginning again. "Now, let's try this again," for Toshinori's sake, he hoped he would follow.

"SPEECH"

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" IT'S FINE NOW. WHY? BECAUSE I AM HERE! "

They sure did have a lot to discuss, didn't they? Though Toshinori had no desire to listen, he did believe in the power of communication, and... well, this was for the best. Wasn't it?

His eyes followed Aizawa until the lion stopped. That wasn't a good sign. His focus intensified, but he was hungry and cold. His reflexes weren't quick enough to escape the scarf that swiped his paw from beneath him, and he hit the ground chin-first with a loud thud.

I thought that was the least you could do for me, considering you didn't exactly do me any favors in that fight.
His heart shattered. Thoughts of disobedience dissipated as those of his dead students intruded. Icy blue eyes widened and he managed to look up at Aizawa, searching the lion for a trace of... something. He didn't know what emotion he was looking for, but he needed something to keep himself grounded. Toshinori dug his claws into the snow. His sweater was growing damper each moment he laid on the wet earth. His teeth clenched and ground together in a deep scowl. This was his own fault and he knew it, but he couldn't help but project a bit of that anger onto the lion before him.

"Fine," the serval muttered, rising to his paws again, attempting to brush the loose snow off of himself and his oversized sweater. He sighed, a breath that carried a bit of heated force behind it. He knew he shouldn't be angry, that he had truly gotten himself into this, but... he couldn't quite help it. He was a feeler. He'd proved that much in his final battle.
"Lead the way."

code by spacexual

[guts]

Aizawa probably should have felt even a little bit bad about bullying a broken man like this, but he didn't, not really. He was angry and fed up with how he was behaving, acting like he was the victim in all of this. He wasn't, either, and he'd be damned if he just sat around and felt sorry for himself. He had somehow gotten to be deputy, for christ's sake. But he digresses.

He's pleased to see he's finally following, if only so he didn't have to beat him up more. He didn't enjoy it--well, maybe a little bit, but it was mostly just an inconvenience. In other words, it was just slowing him down. He wasn't enjoying this as much as Toshinori was, and in all honesty, he would have rather been napping. But he still wanted answers and he was going to get them.

As they reached the border, he pauses, looking back at the other male. Where to start? There were a lot of possibilities, questions that needed answers. "So, what happened? You gave up after Midoriya died," he fixes him with a blank stare, or what could pass as one with the emotional roller-coaster he was on currently. "Why? You let all of them die, and for what?"

They were still on patrol, though, and he motions with his head to keep moving. With those questions out in the air, he keeps walking, circling around the territory.

"SPEECH"

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[dead chars]

" IT'S FINE NOW. WHY? BECAUSE I AM HERE! "

He told himself that he deserved the treatment he was getting. He was genuinely surprised that Izuku didn't hate him. But that didn't mean it didn't hurt. He already carried the burdens that came from his own grave mistake; to think that he didn't regret that night would be ludicrous. If he could go back and do it over, he would give anything to fix it, but it just wasn't realistic. To think that weight wasn't carried with him everywhere he went would be ludicrous. And perhaps he was supposed to haul himself out of this mental rut by now, but it had all been so recent to him. Toshinori had heard that Izuku and even Aizawa had been here much longer than he had, even if they had all died on the same day. His mistake wasn't something he could simply get over in a day or two- the lion should know that, at least.

Speaking of the lion, he followed the other man at a healthy distance. He felt that they'd been going for a while- the sleeves of his oversized sweater were beginning to get rather wet at the ends with snow -and finally, Aizawa paused. The serval let cerulean eyes jump over him and the landscape, trying to find a reason for the stopping, but turning up nothing. Then he heard his voice.

At first he said nothing. Toshinori's jaw went slack for a moment before he immediately closed it again. Of course he'd been expecting a conversation on this topic, but so soon, and with so little warning... well, he supposed that was rather like Aizawa. Even if they didn't get along, they'd worked together long enough that the feline felt as though he'd learned a few of his mannerisms. But this wasn't really the time to think of that. He was stalling in his head, trying not to answer, mostly because... he wasn't quite sure. Then the second question came.
You let all of them die, and for what?

He felt as though he could explode. His first instinct was to just turn around and leave, but he was glued in place. But... was Aizawa wrong? He wasn't... he wasn't quite sure. His eyes blazed, and then they cooled, and then they dimmed and fell to the snow. The serval inhaled through his nose and exhaled the same way, forcefully, without grace.

"It wasn't just that Midoriya died."
His voice was very quiet. His body looked small, as though he was a crude stick house that would topple in on itself at any moment. He avoided looking anywhere near Aizawa.
"You... don't know this. But he was going to be my successor. I passed my Quirk on to him," he explained. It occurred to him that most of the staff at UA had never known about his and Izuku's unique bond, but it didn't matter now. Now, they were all dead, and it was all his fault.
"I passed my Quirk, One for All, to him the same way my mentor passed it to me. And her mentor to her, and so on. Midoriya was the ninth person to inherit it."
He hoped that it made sense. He didn't have the energy, or even quite the memory to explain it right now. But Aizawa was smart- it would probably suffice.
"When Midoriya... died, I knew it was my fault. I had never been strict enough on him for rushing into things." He trailed off for a second. Maybe this would be enough. Maybe he could stop here, or after a few more words.
"I hadn't just failed him. I had failed every user of One for All before him and myself."

But he still hadn't answered Aizawa fully. Damn him for deserving the answers to his questions. Damn him for being in the right. Toshinori's brow furrowed deeper and his frown cracked into his face with a more grim seriousness to it. The serval hardly kept up with him as they continued walking.
"Then, I... well. I gave up."
And still, the last question went unanswered. It wasn't because he didn't know. It was because it destroyed him to say it. He had let so many die, and why? Because he felt bad? He had always pushed through things before, why had he chosen that day to give everything up so selfishly?
He bowed his head, staring at the endless snow beneath him. Aizawa wouldn't see unless he turned around, but that was okay.
"And... they died."

He had stopped moving. His head remained bowed.

code by spacexual

[guts]

Aizawa knew well enough that grief took a long time to heal, that this sort of trauma would be hard to get over. But he wouldn't just let him sit on his ass and feel sorry for himself. He wouldn't have when they were still alive, and he had tried, had tried countless times to get him back to his old self. Maybe then he could convince the students and other heroes to stop rushing into situations and getting themselves killed. Maybe he could have stopped the villains all together. But he had failed each time, possibly just driving him deeper into his depression. Sometimes he thought about what would have happened if he had just tried a little bit harder, had done more for him, or for the students. If he had just fought harder.

His ears flick back to listen as Toshinori explains things, a lot of it actually making sense. He had always felt like he and Izuku had a deeper relationship, a mentor and apprentice type thing, but he had always wondered how he could train him with the quirk the young boy had. Then, as he got better at using it, it had clicked. They must have been related, thus passing on All Might's quirk. Izuku's power was practically the same as his, after all. But somehow, this explanation made more sense. Except it also didn't because of how it had never been spoken of before, the art of passing quirks on to people who weren't related to you by blood.

Still, he could grasp the basic concept of what he was trying to say. "So, you're not Midoriya's father?" he asks once he's done speaking, not even thinking about how absurd his question might have sounded. If it weren't for the lack of snow crunching besides his own, he probably wouldn't have noticed Toshinori had stopped. But he did notice and stopped himself, turning his body around to face him.

"So, you sacrificed other people's lives because you were feeling sorry for yourself," the lion connects the last few pieces on his own, adding in the unspoken truth. It had been as he had thought then, and his face becomes visibly contorted, anger settling on his features. He wasn't one to visibly show his emotions, but considering what he had just been told, he figured it was only fair.

"SPEECH"

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" IT'S FINE NOW. WHY? BECAUSE I AM HERE! "

He would never admit it, or at least not now, but maybe he did need this sort of treatment. It was a wake up call, almost, something to make sure he knew that he was not the victim here. He could feel that way all he wanted- always dwelling in his sadness and regrets. But... what good would come of it? And yet he ignored these feelings. At least, for now. Toshinori knew that much of the students' deaths rested on his shoulders- of course he knew that, and of course he was so sorry, but he couldn't help but feel that he was being attacked.

He was being selfish again, though.
He had been selfish that night and he would continue to be selfish. He was supposed to be a top hero. A paragon of the virtues people looked for in heroes. He was supposed to be selfless, resilient, and he was supposed to finish what he started, and yet he had done none of those things. Instead of going down in a blaze of glory, as he had dreamed when he was a boy, he went down in a pitiful sputter of shame. One would think it would teach him a damn lesson, but here he was, continuing his selfish ways without even realizing it.

Of course Aizawa had similar struggles. They were coworkers, they were both heroes, and while they were very different people- not to mention they hardly got along -they had similar goals. To train the next generation of pro heroes and make absolute sure they were ready for the toughest challenges that came with it. But the kids always tried to take things into their own hands, and Toshinori hadn't been tough enough on them, like Aizawa had. The former teacher had been known to expel students for various (and valid) reasons, driving home the fact that he would punish his students. But All Might had never taught before. Izuku had been his first student, and... ultimately, his last. Because Toshinori had been selfish. His teaching style had always been a bit too soft, an attempt to be the 'cool teacher' while still being effective. Well, he supposed he'd achieved one of those goals, but it hadn't been the one that mattered.

His thoughts were broken by Aizawa's question.
"W-what? No," he answered through a slightly amused snort, a shake of his head punctuating his response. "I'm not- no. Midoriya is not my son."
He supposed one could have gotten that impression, though. They had the same quirk (though to anyone else it would just look suspiciously similar), he had aided Izuku through his studies at U.A. far more than he had other students (which he felt guilty about now), and just... the bond they shared. Toshinori was the mentor, and Izuku was the apprentice. It would have been easy to mistake for something familial.

So, you sacrificed other people's lives because you were feeling sorry for yourself?
There it was. The truth was harsh, and while he knew he would have to face it sometime, he really didn't want to.
Toshinori almost sat down. His face had fallen into a seemingly permanent scowl. His eyes almost sank deeper into their sockets, the shadows cast almost grew more intense. But they didn't. He stood, stock still and almost the same as he had been a moment ago. His claws dug into the ground. An uncomfortable silence hung heavy in the air; a thick, charged fog that didn't want to lift.

"Yes."

And there his answer laid. His ears fell flat against his skull, his head had fallen back into its formal, bowed position. He wanted to defend himself. He wanted to explain why, but he already had, and it had been a shitty excuse. It hadn't been an excuse at all, really- it was just what he told himself to keep his brain from being utterly destroyed. Maybe it would have been better if he hadn't come to this world after he'd died. For a moment, he'd seen it as a second chance. But now he wasn't so sure.

He felt as though he should say something else, but he also felt that if he did, he would overstep his boundaries. No matter what. If he offered an apology, it was worthless. If he tried to defend himself, he would just make himself look worse. If he offered to make it up to Aizawa, there would be no amount of work great enough to cover the cost of human lives. He knew this. And yet, he still wanted to say something, anything even slightly off topic, just to clear the air. Perhaps his nerves were getting the best of him?

He said nothing after all. The lion seemed to have his thoughts much more together than Toshinori did, after all. He was sure that speaking at this point would just be another mistake among many.

code by spacexual

[guts]

He knew he was sorry, but who wouldn't be in his situation. He had caused the deaths of many students, who still had lives ahead of them, and the fact that he was apologetic was good. The guilt, the sadness, it was all understandable. But his wallowing was just pitiful. It wasn't getting him anywhere, only holding him down in one place with no hope of getting out. Aizawa would get him back into shape, though, once he was feeling more generous than he was now. For now, he would leave him be.

Having heard all he wanted to hear, he gives him a curt nod, allowing them to stand in stiff silence for a moment as he studied him. Toshinori looked tired, beaten down under all his interrogating, and he was somewhat pleased with these answers, though a few questions still lingered in the back of his mind. But they weren't relevant right now. Besides, he would give the man a break. He looked like he needed it.

"Alright, you can stop standing there and looking sorry for yourself. Let's keep moving," he says, tone cold as ever as he continues on, tail lashing as it trails behind him. His body is stiff, irritation clawing at him. He wanted to help the serval, not because he was kind or because he liked him, but because he couldn't stand the way he was now. Ironically enough, he much preferred the louder, boisterous person he used to be. Even if he ultimately got on his last nerve.

It grows eerily quiet, the crunching of snow under their paws the only noise to be heard. His breath appears in clouds before his face, puffs of white flowing up towards the sky, quickly dissipating. "I tried to make up for you," he suddenly says, his mouth moving before his brain can comprehend what he's saying. "In that final fight, I tried to defend them the best I could. Even with my leg torn to pieces by Shigaraki's quirk, I still tried--but I wasn't good enough," he grits his teeth as he pauses, not sure if he's angrier at Toshinori or himself at this point. But what he does know is that in the end, both of them failed.

No matter how they looked at it, they both hadn't been able to uphold their duties, and in doing so died. Maybe it was a fitting end. "Either way, I had to cover up for your mistakes. You abandoned them--everyone who believed in you. I couldn't compete with that," then he falls silent, not expecting nor even wanting a response. He just wanted to get it off his chest, and the lighter feeling was definitely rewarding.

"SPEECH"

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" IT'S FINE NOW. WHY? BECAUSE I AM HERE! "

It seemed that Aizawa was finally done. The serval dared to look up just in time to catch the nod thrown his way. Then, they were on their way. He wondered if the lion had actually wanted to patrol, or if he had just needed an excuse to get Toshinori alone, so they could have this chat. After all, he didn't feel like he was actually doing much other than looking around, but... well. He supposed that was what a patrol was, actually. His gaze smouldered into the snow, embarrassed by his own thoughts.

Toshinori wished he could go back to the way things had been, too. But he was stuck in his final day. He couldn't move on from it, and he couldn't hardly remember back from it, either. At least, not until his head cleared a bit. All he did remember in the moment was how he and Aizawa hadn't gotten along very well while they had worked together.
Wasn't that funny.
He was content walking in silence. If he talked to Aizawa any more he felt like the last of his energy would be drained. He was so tired from not only the interrogation, but also his own lack of sleep and proper diet. He'd honestly just forgotten to do those things lately- it seemed as though Midoriya and himself were very similar after all. His paws were cold now, though. His bones seemed to ache. He wanted to curl up and sleep for one million years, but that wasn't quite realistic, was it?

When the lion broke the silence, his eyes widened. Tried to make up for it?
"You should have tried harder."
His statement was a paragon of hypocrisy. And yet, he felt entitled to it for a fleeting moment, the words gushing from him before he could close his jaws. He had hardly finished his sentence before he realized what he'd said, and a turmoil began to brew in his chest. Did he want to take it back? Aizawa would surely spit something back for it, and he would be in the right, but... well. Toshinori wanted to be angry.

"Real pros can overcome any obstacle. Neither you nor I did that, Shota," he rasped. "You can talk if you want. I'm done listening."
These weren't the right words to the say, but they were the words he wanted to say, somewhere inside of him. But they were out now, right or wrong, and after them he fell into an uncomfortable silence. His ears weren't sure if they wanted to lie flat or perk up with defiance. His cerulean gaze was hot enough to melt the snow he glared at. He kept walking.

code by spacexual