HEY MOON, PLEASE FORGET TO FALL DOWN

[bubblegum]

DEAR FRIEND as you know,  your flowers are withering
your mother's gone insane, your leaves have drifted away.
    but the clouds are clearing up
        and i've come reveling, burning incandescently,
                                              like a bastard on the burning sea.

YOU'RE JUST LIKE YOUR FATHER,
BURIED DEEP UNDER THE WATER.

The daughter of the sea had never been away from home so long.

If she were to choose any place to stay that wasn't the Typhoon, however, surely it would be amongst her friends, amongst the forest and allies she'd known she could trust for over a year now. Surely it would bring her a similar joy, to know she was safe, to know she'd have her friends at her side. But the nights were the hardest. The sounds of the forest, the ruffling of leaves, no waves to hear or watch, and the deathly loom over her. The last time she'd spent the night, it was with her lover at her side, close and warm, weight of the world shared. And this was when it became truly apparent how alone she was. The weeks spent in the bunker, dying alongside a stranger, the knowledge if she were to die it would not be on her terms, not where she wanted to be, a former slave who'd broken out only to be knocked down once more - that was still felt easier than sitting stagnant, waiting for her body to recover, surrounded by her allies, all working on something grander.

And, usually she is not one to wallow in pity. She hates it, in fact. There was no time for it, no room for it. But now all she had was this. The moon in the sky, the sounds of others sleeping, and her own mind demanding her to do better, be better, to be over this by now. But the grief hadn't gone. The pain felt just as new as the infected wound on her shaking body. She couldn't get up and work, she couldn't spend the hours planning, she could only lay there, useless body fighting against its own weight. Pathetic mind focused on the past, tangled up in its own knotted mess. And she knew Goldenluxury Roux meant more than this, was better than this, but for the first time in a long time she did not feel herself in a way she could not describe. The captain held a doubt she had not before.

You weren't enough.
And that was all.

And she stares at the moon, laying on her stomach. Silently, her eyes fill, droplets slowly sliding down her cheeks, and her own grief left quiet in the night. And she could not help but let the doubt spill over.

[S. PENDRAGON]

The first few days of recovery, Sophiea had stayed within her home and not much happened. The winged feline had been bandaged up when Moth had arrived to provide healing, she had been grateful that both Aurum and Goldenluxury had been the first people to see her even if she didn't look her best at the time. She knew that she had betrayed everyone around her and that was something that was currently bothering her that night, Sophiea could've handled things a lot better than she originally had but... It wasn't as if she could say no when Eternalknight's life was being threatened by Stryker, she didn't have much of a choice then and even now, it was hard to make decisions on what to do with herself so she stayed within the confines of her home festering with guilt and disgust for herself. Most nights, she was restless and unable to find sleep knowing well enough that if she had been braver and stronger, she wouldn't have become one of Stryker's mindless puppets but she knew that wasn't entirely true given that the lion had somehow gotten an elephant sized elephant wrapped around his claw. She rested her chin on her forepaws with half closed eyes as a soft breath would leave her slightly parted jaws "Gormless... Absolutely gormless,  Sophiea."

Though her tufted ears pricked forward and she rose to her paws noticing the moon's reflection from a puddle near her porch, Sophiea would grit her teeth as she rose to her paws trying to ignore the wave of pain that would flow over her body due to the sudden movement. She hobbled for a moment as she managed to get outside, her gaze turning to the sky as she would admire the moon from where she stood though her attention diverted when she realized that Goldenluxury was outside staring at the moon. Her heart fluttered for a moment but her eyes would glance down feeling that guilt grip at her heart and squeeze it. You should leave her be... You did enough damage, she thought bitterly to herself about to retreat into the safety of her home until she realized something shining within the moonlight that a tear slipped down the tigress' cheeks. "Damn..." She hissed under her breath as her head would duck with ears pressed flat against her head, this was all her fault and Soph felt too guilty to leave Goldie out there by herself. Stop being a ninny, Sophiea! Go out there and apologize you massive twit, she lifted a paw noticing how shaky it was but she would carefully make her way down her porch stairs nearly tripping at the last step.

Although, she was fortunate enough to catch herself as she gritted her teeth in pain but she decided to ignore it. The winged feline would then start to make her way over to the captain of the Typhoon and could recall the first time that they had met... A practical prank... I always loathed them yet... It was different when you had decided to pull it, the warmth began to rise in her cheeks but she would take in a deep breath until she finally stood by Goldie. She was silent for a moment only to speak out as a frown tugged at her maw "Why do you weep, my Captain?" She would sit down slowly as she tried to dig through her mind to say something comforting yet all that came to mind was the poetry that she had read in her spare time. "And I hope you do not mind my company tonight." She shuffled there awkwardly for a moment as her eyes would look up to the moon and she closed them for a moment as she would speak out a poem "Stay strong through your pain, grow flowers from it." There was a pause before she continued with a light shake of her cranium "You have helped me grow flowers out of mine so... Bloom beautifully. Dangerously. Loudly, bloom softly. However you need... Just bloom." She would fall into silence letting that sink in.

She would shakily lift her paw to wipe away the tears from Goldie's eyes and cheeks before moving it away realizing what she was doing, she cleared her throat as she looked away feeling the familiar heat take its place on her face "You... We'll get through this." Sophiea fell silent once more though she knew that the tigress deserved an explanation for her treachery that day, she glanced down at her paws feeling her own eyes beginning to sting but she refused to cry just yet as she managed to say in a shaky voice "Why... Why did you help me? ... When... When I was a traitor?" She could feel several mixed emotions blossoming within her chest as her claws dug into the soil underneath her "You... You shouldn't have after what I did..." Her body felt hot as she shook lightly, she closed her eyes feeling a few tears slide down "Friends don't backstab another friend... I was a twit, I shouldn't have done it... I hurt you, Eternalknight,  and Aurum... And and... Everyone else!" She lifted a shaky paw as she wiped away her tears feeling anger pulsate through her remembering that damned lion "I couldn't... I can't... I wasn't strong enough... He had my kin... He could've died cause of me but... The raid... I couldn't... I turned on him yet... It still doesn't excuse what I did to my new home." She took a deep breath realizing that she was just being selfish now.

"I'm glad that you're safe now... But that snake is still out there... And I can't stand that fact and knowing that I'm useless..." She growled bitterly glancing over to her wings but wasn't able to look for long, the absence of her flight feathers only reminded her how much of a useless lump of fur she had become. Sophiea looked at the moon once more only to turn to Goldie as she finally said "I just... Want you to know how horribly sorry I am... And I know an apology isn't enough to take back my actions... But know that I genuinely mean it... My apology... And thank you... For helping me even if... All I did was bring harm to you," She would rise to her paws slowly as she cleared her throat with ears still pressed flat against her skull, her gaze on the ground now as she stood there in silence "I will leave you be if you wish... After all of this is over, you needn't worry about receiving letters from me." It hurt but if Goldenluxury felt uncomfortable or angry whenever Sophiea sent out a letter, well, the winged feline would rather not send anything at all even if it had became a favorite pastime of hers. Hell, she often to forgot to write to Roan only concentrating on her letter to the captain... She could feel her heart aching horribly but she was willing to sacrifice the written letters. She was certain that Aurum would keep her busy doing something else.

"And I can leave you be now, if you wish."

[bubblegum]

DEAR FRIEND as you know,  your flowers are withering
your mother's gone insane, your leaves have drifted away.
    but the clouds are clearing up
        and i've come reveling, burning incandescently,
                                              like a bastard on the burning sea.

YOU'RE JUST LIKE YOUR FATHER,
BURIED DEEP UNDER THE WATER.

Her body would turn slightly as Sophiea drew closer, not in an attempt to display a cold shoulder, or bitterness for the female, but simply in an attempt to hide her own pathetic cry. She had not liked others seeing her in such a state since she was a child, and that was no different now, even if she'd come to find out that sometimes it was necessary. Right now, however, did not feel needed. She wasn't breaking down, losing it all, finally coming clean. She was simply...sad, and there was perhaps plenty of explanation as to why, but she still couldn't quite pinpoint what exactly it was. The loneliness, the grief, the pain of it all, but in the end, she didn't know to what exactly. A mixture of things, surely, though many of those things simply could not be helped, could not be changed. There was no room for self pity over such matters. But still she finds herself laying here, trying to hide her face, wipe it quickly, in a fruitless attempt. Still her eyes shone.

And as she sits her own embarrassment, the other's voice reaches out, takes a turn she had not anticipated. She bites her tongue at the first question, not having much of an answer herself. She didn't truly know why exactly, after all. Grow flowers from her pain - she's not so sure she'd describe the growth a flower. Perhaps a flame instead, burning away angrily, proudly, defiantly. But she was no flame tonight. So maybe a flower was true to its analogy. A rose with thorns, ever so wilted. Or maybe something else. Her papa had compared her to a lotus, when he'd stepped down from his position. Still, it did not bloom. Not tonight.

But an intrigue catches her as the female continues, turning it from a brief metaphor in some reassurance to a questioning, to a shameful admission. Anger was not a word she would use to describe how she felt towards the feline - at no point did her anger, defeat, bitterness feel directed towards Sophiea. She'd little to do with this whole thing, from how the female saw it, though to be honest, she'd not gone over the details of that day too closely. It was hard to remember most of the intricacies. There was an awareness that she'd been lied to, but she hadn't necessarily taken it as a betrayal, but perhaps a choice made out of fear, or something to that effect. It wasn't really easy to focus her thoughts on what may have or may have not been the intentions of the female as she'd made the decisions she had, as they were simply too vague for her to know. And from the apology, it became quickly and abundantly clear to the captain what plagued the female's mind. A guilt that she was too familiar with.

And so, she would let the other finish, though she'd already known her response now, before she could begin to say it. Silent she remained, waiting a few moments for the quiet to settle in once the female's words completed. And she turns her head slowly back towards the other, blinking up to her as she turned away from the tigress.

"Please don' go," came her voice, finally, in soft request. She shook her head quietly, tapping the ground next to her with her tail to gesture the other to sit back down. "I'd rather not be alone." She speaks up once more, trying to level herself now, looking back to the moon now. She still didn't want to cry in front of the other, so she would attempt to suck it up. She clears her throat, shakily raising her head, ever so slightly, so it was no longer on the cold dirt. The female takes in a quiet, deep breath, trying to focus. The fuzz in her mind had returned, but she was no stranger to drowning it out. And she'd rather make it clear she did not think less of the other, here and now. She'd done quite similar in a similar situation, years ago. It was a hard thing to grow beyond, to become stronger than.

Her eyes travel towards the ground, preparing her response properly now, instead of jumping into it immediately. "I wasn' ever angry at you," Goldie decided to begin with, words calmer and genuine. "This was bound t' happen. You wouldn' know, but this...conflict between that snake n' I has been waitin' t' conclude for two years. Him hesitatin' t' kill me was a mistake he'll pay for." How icy her voice becomes when speaking of him is a side of the captain Sophiea would not have seen before, a side most friends and allies do not end up seeing, and it would be quite a stark difference to the soft weeps she had only moments before.

Her paws twitch, gently pushing in and out of the dirt as she tries to collect the main points of what she'd state next. The story she intended to tell would be grossly simplified - there was simply too much she could state, too much to explain. But at that point, it would lose its message. The other had not approached to hear the captain's life story. And the female did not intend to share it, though much of it was public information just due to the nature of her position and family. "When I was a child, when m' papa was still the capt'n, 'd been blackmailed m'self. A wolf, claimin' t' visit a friend, tore into me, nearly paralyzed me for good - when I was a cat. He said he was gonna kill one o' m' crewmates, someone who was basically family t' me, n' if I told anyone, he'd kill everyone I loved, string 'em from the trees, n' then he'd get me." The story of the wolf and the girl was a long one, one that still brought her a torn pain in her stomach, a childish chill in her spine. She'd only be reminded that such a thing had become partial reality, with an old friend placing such a display of her corpse along the trees. It still bothered her quite a bit to think about, to be honest.

He'd known the meaning of it, but she still could not understand his intent, why he wanted to hurt her so. Nonetheless, it was separate, and not relevant to what she was trying to say now, so she pushes it from her busy mind. She clears her throat, moving on. "N' I knew I was too weak, too small, t' try n' fight 'im off. So I stayed silent." It was a simple explanation. Her spine had been snapped, body rendered puny and injured beyond full repair. "I was terrified, overrun wit' guilt, n' shame. 'Til finally, I broke. It lead t' a lot, t' Stryker gettin' me, then killin' m' mama, makin' me think he was right, but ultimately I realized...none of it mattered anyway. They were wrong, in what they did. N' they deserved t' burn. I would be stronger than 'em, no matter how scared I was, no matter how weak I felt. I'd be stronger." It took a long time to reach that point, and even when she'd come to such a conclusion, there was hesitance, doubt. She needed to truly know who she was, who Goldenluxury was in order to push forward. But, if her brief explanation could make it any easier for Sophiea, she knew she'd at least learned from it. "Lettin' the fear control you...it will only hurt you more. You must keep tellin' yourself, you're stronger, n' eventually, you will be."

Her eyes turn back to Sophiea, and she lets out a single sigh. "It's hard t' know, how t' beat the fear, n' the guilt. I still feel guilty over m' mama's death, still feel doubtful. N', I felt...lonely, n' for the first time in a long one, weak, I s'pose. So, I cried." Her voice is softer once more, a quick reasoning for her display. "But is' much smaller than everything else right now. I know m' purpose. I know Stryker will die. N' then, maybe things will be easier, for a lil' while."