I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT AT MY WINDOWSILL | return

[Ivan]

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IVAN
slav. "god is gracious"
---
a son
a brother

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ALYOSHA, MY DEAR, MY ONLY SON, I'M AFRAID OF IVAN —

At this point in time, Ivan was still quite beside himself. His heart pummeled his ribcage like a trapped mouse and his strange eyes had an equally strange look to him. His throat rasped and his nose sniveled in that heart-wrenching way that one does when one's tears have been completely emptied of him. The pounding in his head persisted, an acute ache directly above his right eye.

He did not respond to the chittering, thinking it a lingering sound of his hallucination. But a heartbeat passed and he suddenly jerked his head up and fixed the the creature's lowered head with a wide eyed stare.

"Oh, it's you!" Escaped the young cat. The weird familiarity in his voice held a stark contrast to the bewilderment and absolute raving look on his face.

Caustic appeared as a sort of anathema. Ivan was struck with dread at his approach. He squeezed his eyes shut. The glow from Caustic's own is hurting him. "Why didn't he come as a beastly figure too ..." Ivan rambled. "Not with fire and, and, eyes and, wings, and violence, no, he was just a fat ugly thing ... what an idiot, what an idiot ..."

His eyes flew open as Caustic's paw touches his rain soaked skin. He started. The feeling of something else warm and living on him is almost too much for his senses to perceive. His father approached as well, and Ivan felt a weight drop to his stomach. How can he face his father with his brother's blood on his paws? Selby's tone gave voice to his suffering over the loss of Moth, and Ivan cannot bear to tell his father that It is I! It is I who is tearing this family apart! I have Atticus's blood on my paws! I almost killed him! But Ivan was still raving. Maybe if he wanted to, he wouldn't be able.

"Go inside, inside where?" Both his father and the doctor were telling him to do this. "The library? The library? Can you hear me? This buzzing in my head is too loud. There's someone in there, I swear. He was talking to me just now, just now. Yes, that's what happened, you see, Alaric. Look and you'll see! He knows me more than I know myself! I've shattered my glass, the first one I used to collect rainwater ... only I don't know why I did it ... well, I think so!"

The truth was, of course, that there was nothing there. No scent or fur, or trace of anything.

— I'M MORE AFRAID OF IVAN THAN THE OTHER ONE.