01-29-2020, 10:23 PM
A mess. It wouldn't be a total wrong assumption, to call Nemhain her own sort of mess. A mess made up of two different spirits, of two different beings, of two different worlds. One, the stubborn magna that currently led Elysium, the one who was trying her best just to make it while also making sure that everyone around her was safe. The one that couldn't afford to keep any secrets, because secrets only led to more lies and more hurt and less people to talk to. Then there was the other side. Nemhain, as she was known. A mess made up not only of the bits of personality and motivations of the aforementioned magna, but also a mess of her own design. All false confidence and sharp edges and overly polite word choices. A sort of disinterested disconnect from the world that was only broken occasionally, usually when something amused her or warmed her heart. She was a disaster not because she felt things, or because she existed in her own messy, ridiculous way. No, she was a disaster because she was never even meant to be like this. She was never supposed to be lingering in the shadows for so long, an unwilling participant watching scenes pass before her eyes and never being able to do anything. She was never supposed to develop her own personality, full of false bravado and motivations and all the messy gaps in being human that a persona was never supposed to have. She was never supposed to be the one that Rin was looking up to, going to desperately for advice and for guidance. She was just supposed to be the minion. The helper. The persona. But now, instead, she was this. This messy amalgamation who didn't truly know what she was or who she was, and who bit her tongue more often than she spoke, cramming her emotions down so deep that not even the one who was irreversibly connected to her could access them.
She could relate to Stark, even if she knew very little of him. She knew what it was like to want to push yourself. To continue searching, and become so restless for the next step in your life that you just ended up fucking up everything in the process. She had spent sp many days and so many nights stalking back and forth in the shadows, her numbness melting away and giving way to ambition, and desperation. Stark might have lost himself in his inventions and his tests, but Nemhain had lost herself in her endless plans. She didn't even know why she had ever bothered making them, really. At first it had been like a game. A few silly thoughts to pass the time, like she would ever truly be able to be her own person. Like she would ever actually emerge from Rin's shadow. For the longest time all she had wanted to do was help Rin, but as things had continued on and on, Nem had wanted to do nothing more but help herself. It was selfish, and she knew it would do nothing but hurt. Not only those around her, but herself as well. What purpose was there to a persona with her own ambitions? What was the point, when she wouldn't be giving her all for Rin, but would instead be trying to get to the next goalpost of her own life? Rin would hate her. Everyone would hate her. Hell, all it would end with would be her suffering, and her fading away. She would lose everything, because she didn't deserve to exist if she wasn't doing what she had been intended to do. She would lose everything, just as Stark had already lost so much.
If Nem didn't already know quite well that she was attached to Rin, it even would've been possible for her to feel an odd kinship with the other. Sure, perhaps she had never envisioned the same life as he, what with the fiance and the happy faces of children all around, but both of them had dreams. Both of them had things to lose, things that had already been lost. It was like Nemhain could see her future if she did what she wanted. Like she was looking down the barrel of a gun, and all she wanted to do was have someone pull the trigger so at least then it could finally be over. She was lucky enough that if that happened, she would never have to face the consequences. She would fail, and she would fade away, forgotten to this world, as well as all other worlds too. Even if she would never get the life that she most desired, at least she wouldn't have to constantly stare her own failure in the face every day. Stark, though? Stark couldn't just fade away, and perhaps that was the saddest part of this whole thing. The thought of changing, or growing, or moving on even after doing what you believed to be the worst mistake of your life? The thought hadn't even occurred to Nemhain. She had figured that if she finally crossed that line, and finally put a talon out of place, that would be it. That would be the end, and there was nothing beyond that. While Nem saw nothing in Stark but disappointment and bleakness, thay wasn't really what he was, was he? He had the opportunity to change. He had the opportunity to pluck himself off the ground, dust himself off, and move forward, even with his past mistakes. Such a thought seemed utterly insane to Nem. Perhaps it was insane. But maybe it wouldn't be so bad, acting just a little bit insane. If it meant that she could actually get freedom.
Nem wasn't sure why she was hit with such a wave of emotion when she landed in front of Stark's workshop, but she found that she didn't really care, either. There was just... an air. An air of suffocation, like someone was just waking up from what seemed like an endless sleep, just to shake off the first signs of morning breath. She breathed it in, if only because it reminded her of her own troubles. It made her feel less alone, because somehow she felt so alone so very often, even thought she was directly connected to someone who was supposed to make it so that she couldn't possibly feel alone. She allowed the emotions to sink in for only a moment, bleeding into her every feather and infecting her mind, letting it wander for the briefest of seconds. And then she shut herself away again, closing her mind and her heart and shoving all those emotions downward, deep inside where not even Rin could hope to find them. Once she had a hold of herself, she continued her journey forward, finding herself glancing in at Stark's new cleaned up little space. She let her eyes drag slowly over every corner, processing every little detail and trying to make connections with what she knew of Stark, even if her only info on him was secondhand. Eventually she spoke, figuring it was rude to just stand there and stare, "...Hello. My name is Nemhain. I've been living here for a little while... you're Stark, right? I know of you, from Rin." Nem did not know the whole story of Stark Ferro, or what in his life had led him to this point, but for some reason she felt like she should know him. Like he should know her.
She could relate to Stark, even if she knew very little of him. She knew what it was like to want to push yourself. To continue searching, and become so restless for the next step in your life that you just ended up fucking up everything in the process. She had spent sp many days and so many nights stalking back and forth in the shadows, her numbness melting away and giving way to ambition, and desperation. Stark might have lost himself in his inventions and his tests, but Nemhain had lost herself in her endless plans. She didn't even know why she had ever bothered making them, really. At first it had been like a game. A few silly thoughts to pass the time, like she would ever truly be able to be her own person. Like she would ever actually emerge from Rin's shadow. For the longest time all she had wanted to do was help Rin, but as things had continued on and on, Nem had wanted to do nothing more but help herself. It was selfish, and she knew it would do nothing but hurt. Not only those around her, but herself as well. What purpose was there to a persona with her own ambitions? What was the point, when she wouldn't be giving her all for Rin, but would instead be trying to get to the next goalpost of her own life? Rin would hate her. Everyone would hate her. Hell, all it would end with would be her suffering, and her fading away. She would lose everything, because she didn't deserve to exist if she wasn't doing what she had been intended to do. She would lose everything, just as Stark had already lost so much.
If Nem didn't already know quite well that she was attached to Rin, it even would've been possible for her to feel an odd kinship with the other. Sure, perhaps she had never envisioned the same life as he, what with the fiance and the happy faces of children all around, but both of them had dreams. Both of them had things to lose, things that had already been lost. It was like Nemhain could see her future if she did what she wanted. Like she was looking down the barrel of a gun, and all she wanted to do was have someone pull the trigger so at least then it could finally be over. She was lucky enough that if that happened, she would never have to face the consequences. She would fail, and she would fade away, forgotten to this world, as well as all other worlds too. Even if she would never get the life that she most desired, at least she wouldn't have to constantly stare her own failure in the face every day. Stark, though? Stark couldn't just fade away, and perhaps that was the saddest part of this whole thing. The thought of changing, or growing, or moving on even after doing what you believed to be the worst mistake of your life? The thought hadn't even occurred to Nemhain. She had figured that if she finally crossed that line, and finally put a talon out of place, that would be it. That would be the end, and there was nothing beyond that. While Nem saw nothing in Stark but disappointment and bleakness, thay wasn't really what he was, was he? He had the opportunity to change. He had the opportunity to pluck himself off the ground, dust himself off, and move forward, even with his past mistakes. Such a thought seemed utterly insane to Nem. Perhaps it was insane. But maybe it wouldn't be so bad, acting just a little bit insane. If it meant that she could actually get freedom.
Nem wasn't sure why she was hit with such a wave of emotion when she landed in front of Stark's workshop, but she found that she didn't really care, either. There was just... an air. An air of suffocation, like someone was just waking up from what seemed like an endless sleep, just to shake off the first signs of morning breath. She breathed it in, if only because it reminded her of her own troubles. It made her feel less alone, because somehow she felt so alone so very often, even thought she was directly connected to someone who was supposed to make it so that she couldn't possibly feel alone. She allowed the emotions to sink in for only a moment, bleeding into her every feather and infecting her mind, letting it wander for the briefest of seconds. And then she shut herself away again, closing her mind and her heart and shoving all those emotions downward, deep inside where not even Rin could hope to find them. Once she had a hold of herself, she continued her journey forward, finding herself glancing in at Stark's new cleaned up little space. She let her eyes drag slowly over every corner, processing every little detail and trying to make connections with what she knew of Stark, even if her only info on him was secondhand. Eventually she spoke, figuring it was rude to just stand there and stare, "...Hello. My name is Nemhain. I've been living here for a little while... you're Stark, right? I know of you, from Rin." Nem did not know the whole story of Stark Ferro, or what in his life had led him to this point, but for some reason she felt like she should know him. Like he should know her.
there's more to life than their way, if you live you cannot stay, why does nobody want change? let your voice ring out, yeah, take the mask off and be free, find yourself in the debris ... :
「 nemhain | elysium | tags | rin's persona | penned by stilly 」—————————————————
IF YOU HOLD ON LIFE WON'T CHANGE, WAKE UP, GET UP, GET OUT THERE