12-21-2019, 09:54 PM
[font=trebuchet ms]She didn't look up at Lavi's approach, but her ears swiveled to listen to his words. Everyone, or at least everyone she knew here, had taken the oath, that much was true. "Never forget yourself and your well-being," that was the part of the oath that she had completely ignored. Well, she had sworn to not give too much of herself, but in her mind there was no such thing as too much. Tena hadn't even gotten to know. That was also true, and Rin really didn't have an excuse for that. If someone was in danger, why wouldn't she let them know?
He knew what it was like, he said. To lose a home, or two homes in her case, and then to be scared of losing another. From his tone of voice, Rin decided that was probably true. He knew, and yet he also knew that to take away their agency in an effort to protect them was wrong... not fair to us.
She was not the sole guardian. In response, Rin could only manage a weak nod. She had nothing to say. Tena had words of her own, though. Not surprising, given that Rin had just unloaded several years' worth of trauma on everyone.
"It's not yours to gamble" made it sound like Rin considered her a possession... but then, if you looked at it through eyes that weren't tainted by loss, she had been possessive. Without the context of everything she'd lost, most would call a creature who kept the entire clan in the dark- even about matters that involved them directly- a control freak.
Yes, Rin knew what had happened to most of them, but she still found herself unsheathing her claws. Did Tena think that was good? Had she ever watched the life leave the eyes of a loved one? Had she ever stumbled upon the mutilated corpse of a clanmate, the sabertooth that they'd found on the rebar notwithstanding? Taking a deep breath, though, Rin sheathed her claws once more. Tena had listened to all of her grief-stricken rambling, it was only right that she repay the favor.
"If you think you can do that, that you have some responsibility to that, then you don't understand-" Responsibility? Of course she felt responsibility to protect the people who had protected her- what part of that was a misunderstanding? Her blood boiled, and she clenched her teeth to avoid snarling a reply-
"I am thou, thou art I."
The sudden, loud voice in her head nearly made her jump out of her skin, her eyes snapping open. That voice... it wasn't a former friend, nor was it anyone gathered here. She wasn't sure who it was. They came from the "sea of her soul," to "lend her strength?" Who was this?
Lifting her head, she blinked with wide eyes. No one else seemed to have heard, nor were they hearing now as the voice described them- their anger, agony, chaos. Yet the voice echoed their words, ordered her to open up.
Behind her, she heard the fluttering of wings. She turned her head, and finally faced the source of the voice: a really freaking huge bird. Startled, Rin jumped back- landing awkwardly and nearly falling on her side, her ribs immediately releasing bolts of pain in protest at this sudden movement. Was that a fenghuang? She'd heard of the fenghuang before, but she hadn't thought she would ever encounter one... never mind encountering one that was so big.
Mortals, she called them. Nothing more than a mortal, she called her. That implied that she was immortal. Was this a god? No, that couldn't be- none of the gods would introduce themselves the way that this creature had, especially not when she was around other people.
"My name is Nemhain, and I am your persona."
What? Rin only stared as Nemhain continued her explanation- she had manifested from Rin's personality? That couldn't be true. Nemhain was powerful, understanding, (presumably) benevolent... how could any of those have come from her?
She stood, staring, her mouth agape, even as Nemhain turned to the others. Telling them that Rin needed their help but was too scared, that she would never admit she needed help. Laying the truth out in front of them all, exposing her selfishness, fear, feelings of being backed into a corner. Pleading, then, with her to listen to them and accept their help.
Rin struggled for what felt like an eternity to find her words. What was she to say? "They weren't supposed to know about this in the first place?" "How dare you?" "I don't deserve help?" "I'm sorry?"
Before she could find anything to say, Valerian appeared- and immediately tried to turn their anger on him instead of her. They could hurt him, he said, he could take it. Why? Why would he do this? "Don't," Rin uttered finally, shaking her head. No, she couldn't expect him to do this for her. "Don't. They won't... they won't hurt me. Even if they would, you don't need to protect-"
Realization struck her, as clearly as if she'd been slapped in the face by her own reflection.
Rin heaved a sigh, lowering her head slightly. "...you're right, Nemhain," she said, her ears swiveling back. "I... I was blind." Yet, even that realization came in a pair with another, less pleasant realization. Looking back up at Nemhain, she continued, "But I can't ask them to risk their lives now, not after I betrayed their trust."
Her tail curled around her paws. "I can admit I need help all I want, but that doesn't mean I have a right to expect it. I just..." Swallowing- and recoiling from the pain in her bruised ribs- she looked back at the floor.
"I don't know what to do."
He knew what it was like, he said. To lose a home, or two homes in her case, and then to be scared of losing another. From his tone of voice, Rin decided that was probably true. He knew, and yet he also knew that to take away their agency in an effort to protect them was wrong... not fair to us.
She was not the sole guardian. In response, Rin could only manage a weak nod. She had nothing to say. Tena had words of her own, though. Not surprising, given that Rin had just unloaded several years' worth of trauma on everyone.
"It's not yours to gamble" made it sound like Rin considered her a possession... but then, if you looked at it through eyes that weren't tainted by loss, she had been possessive. Without the context of everything she'd lost, most would call a creature who kept the entire clan in the dark- even about matters that involved them directly- a control freak.
Yes, Rin knew what had happened to most of them, but she still found herself unsheathing her claws. Did Tena think that was good? Had she ever watched the life leave the eyes of a loved one? Had she ever stumbled upon the mutilated corpse of a clanmate, the sabertooth that they'd found on the rebar notwithstanding? Taking a deep breath, though, Rin sheathed her claws once more. Tena had listened to all of her grief-stricken rambling, it was only right that she repay the favor.
"If you think you can do that, that you have some responsibility to that, then you don't understand-" Responsibility? Of course she felt responsibility to protect the people who had protected her- what part of that was a misunderstanding? Her blood boiled, and she clenched her teeth to avoid snarling a reply-
"I am thou, thou art I."
The sudden, loud voice in her head nearly made her jump out of her skin, her eyes snapping open. That voice... it wasn't a former friend, nor was it anyone gathered here. She wasn't sure who it was. They came from the "sea of her soul," to "lend her strength?" Who was this?
Lifting her head, she blinked with wide eyes. No one else seemed to have heard, nor were they hearing now as the voice described them- their anger, agony, chaos. Yet the voice echoed their words, ordered her to open up.
Behind her, she heard the fluttering of wings. She turned her head, and finally faced the source of the voice: a really freaking huge bird. Startled, Rin jumped back- landing awkwardly and nearly falling on her side, her ribs immediately releasing bolts of pain in protest at this sudden movement. Was that a fenghuang? She'd heard of the fenghuang before, but she hadn't thought she would ever encounter one... never mind encountering one that was so big.
Mortals, she called them. Nothing more than a mortal, she called her. That implied that she was immortal. Was this a god? No, that couldn't be- none of the gods would introduce themselves the way that this creature had, especially not when she was around other people.
"My name is Nemhain, and I am your persona."
What? Rin only stared as Nemhain continued her explanation- she had manifested from Rin's personality? That couldn't be true. Nemhain was powerful, understanding, (presumably) benevolent... how could any of those have come from her?
She stood, staring, her mouth agape, even as Nemhain turned to the others. Telling them that Rin needed their help but was too scared, that she would never admit she needed help. Laying the truth out in front of them all, exposing her selfishness, fear, feelings of being backed into a corner. Pleading, then, with her to listen to them and accept their help.
Rin struggled for what felt like an eternity to find her words. What was she to say? "They weren't supposed to know about this in the first place?" "How dare you?" "I don't deserve help?" "I'm sorry?"
Before she could find anything to say, Valerian appeared- and immediately tried to turn their anger on him instead of her. They could hurt him, he said, he could take it. Why? Why would he do this? "Don't," Rin uttered finally, shaking her head. No, she couldn't expect him to do this for her. "Don't. They won't... they won't hurt me. Even if they would, you don't need to protect-"
Realization struck her, as clearly as if she'd been slapped in the face by her own reflection.
Rin heaved a sigh, lowering her head slightly. "...you're right, Nemhain," she said, her ears swiveling back. "I... I was blind." Yet, even that realization came in a pair with another, less pleasant realization. Looking back up at Nemhain, she continued, "But I can't ask them to risk their lives now, not after I betrayed their trust."
Her tail curled around her paws. "I can admit I need help all I want, but that doesn't mean I have a right to expect it. I just..." Swallowing- and recoiling from the pain in her bruised ribs- she looked back at the floor.
"I don't know what to do."
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