05-15-2019, 11:56 AM
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Better to be hurt by the truth than comforted by a lie -
♕tags-powers♕
[OOC: ]
He had messed up. That was something he was becoming more and more sure of by the second. He needed to let them know that it really wasn’t them. That it was Kydobi. That the feelings were painfully mutual now brought to light. His mind kept wondering what they could be. What ifs and all that. That hurt the most.
Kydobi watched them carefully, he knew exactly what was happening. He did it so often, every day. Adding another layer to the shell. He needed to fix this, because he feared things would not be the same as they were before. Not that they could ever be, now that he knew that they both were attracted to each other he would forever see Bai Shi in a different light.
“Lynn. It’s not fine. Don’t pretend you aren’t hurt. This is hard for me. I swear on everything it isn’t you. I know that line is overused by people who are often not satisfied- but I mean it.”, a lump was forming in his throat and his mouth was awfully dry. He was going to finally open his book and turn so many pages for them, something he had never done before, “I… I find you very attractive. In both of your forms. You’re beautiful and amazing and so unique. Our conversations are of the highest quality and you give me peace. You make me feel… safe and whole. But when I said to you that I thought I was broken I meant it. I want to give you what you need. I do… I think I’m changing, back in my older days I wouldn’t have bothered with Ramona. I wouldn’t have even came to comfort you, I would’ve walked away. Because I lacked empathy. Compassion. I wouldn’t even be acknowledging that I want you too. Because I was a skeptic for so long, now I’m just a curious and fearful boy. I’m scared of love and relationships.”
He would swallow the lump and stare at the flowers, it was easier to confess without eye contact, ”I want to feel what everyone talks about. What love is. What romance is. But I don’t know how. I’m scared I can’t… love you or anyone for that matter… cause the people who I did and the people who should’ve taught me of it casted me away and betrayed me. Both of my parents. My family. Family is the first people we love… And they…” he closed his eyes in a slight wince, he wasn’t ready to talk of that to anyone or himself, a gentle shake of his head as if to wash away the memories, ”I don’t want to be hurt. Last time I fully trusted someone and loved them…opened my heart to them… They broke me. All of them. And now, even now, I pretend nothing hurts me. I act like I don’t care when I really do. Because it is easier to pretend you feel nothing and remain stoic because eventually you make everything so small that they can’t hurt you anymore. You fake it till you make it. And I’ve been doing that so long- my brain has ruled my heart since I was 11 months old.. That it doesn’t know how to loosen its grip.”
His voice lowered, ” Because emotions do nothing but hurt. Even happiness is bittersweet, because in its absence you think back on what you had and feel.. hollow. And I know I’m always going to look back on this moment and regret, think of what we could be. But then there will be times where I look back in relief, I protected myself again.”
[sub][W]isker[/sub]
♕tags-powers♕
[OOC: ]
He had messed up. That was something he was becoming more and more sure of by the second. He needed to let them know that it really wasn’t them. That it was Kydobi. That the feelings were painfully mutual now brought to light. His mind kept wondering what they could be. What ifs and all that. That hurt the most.
Kydobi watched them carefully, he knew exactly what was happening. He did it so often, every day. Adding another layer to the shell. He needed to fix this, because he feared things would not be the same as they were before. Not that they could ever be, now that he knew that they both were attracted to each other he would forever see Bai Shi in a different light.
“Lynn. It’s not fine. Don’t pretend you aren’t hurt. This is hard for me. I swear on everything it isn’t you. I know that line is overused by people who are often not satisfied- but I mean it.”, a lump was forming in his throat and his mouth was awfully dry. He was going to finally open his book and turn so many pages for them, something he had never done before, “I… I find you very attractive. In both of your forms. You’re beautiful and amazing and so unique. Our conversations are of the highest quality and you give me peace. You make me feel… safe and whole. But when I said to you that I thought I was broken I meant it. I want to give you what you need. I do… I think I’m changing, back in my older days I wouldn’t have bothered with Ramona. I wouldn’t have even came to comfort you, I would’ve walked away. Because I lacked empathy. Compassion. I wouldn’t even be acknowledging that I want you too. Because I was a skeptic for so long, now I’m just a curious and fearful boy. I’m scared of love and relationships.”
He would swallow the lump and stare at the flowers, it was easier to confess without eye contact, ”I want to feel what everyone talks about. What love is. What romance is. But I don’t know how. I’m scared I can’t… love you or anyone for that matter… cause the people who I did and the people who should’ve taught me of it casted me away and betrayed me. Both of my parents. My family. Family is the first people we love… And they…” he closed his eyes in a slight wince, he wasn’t ready to talk of that to anyone or himself, a gentle shake of his head as if to wash away the memories, ”I don’t want to be hurt. Last time I fully trusted someone and loved them…opened my heart to them… They broke me. All of them. And now, even now, I pretend nothing hurts me. I act like I don’t care when I really do. Because it is easier to pretend you feel nothing and remain stoic because eventually you make everything so small that they can’t hurt you anymore. You fake it till you make it. And I’ve been doing that so long- my brain has ruled my heart since I was 11 months old.. That it doesn’t know how to loosen its grip.”
His voice lowered, ” Because emotions do nothing but hurt. Even happiness is bittersweet, because in its absence you think back on what you had and feel.. hollow. And I know I’m always going to look back on this moment and regret, think of what we could be. But then there will be times where I look back in relief, I protected myself again.”