11-11-2018, 06:27 PM
[align=center][div style="borderwidth=0px; width: 55%; line-height:115%; text-align: justify;font-family: calibri;"]// im seriously debating making des live again,, like the moment I get rid of him I instantly have muse for him again ffs
There were many people that Des considered mourning, but the only problem was that he couldn't remember them good enough to make it sincere. His pain was sincere, but he couldn't help but know that if he had no names to utter in his prayers they were hardly good enough. Some would say it was the thought that counted, but he knew different. If he had forgotten the people he needed to mourn, then he was never fit enough to say their names to begin with.
And so instead of wallowing in sadness, the lion continued on with his life, either drunk out of his mind or smoking to get his head out of the darkness. The faces occasionally passed through his head or memories, faintly outlined in his dreams or full on lamenting in his nightmares... but beyond that, he didn't set up shrines, nor did he waste time uttering some semblance of respect for the deceased. The dead gave him more problems than they did solutions. Each body was another brick in the wall.
He wasn't sure if he'd even mourn if Gabriel dropped one day. A better part of him said that he would, but the more rational part said that he'd already forgotten many who he had called friends before, and so the chances of Gabriel being different were less likely than he'd like them to be. As much as he tried to pretend he was a good enough person to change, and he hadn't had anyone die recently to prove him wrong, there was just no denying his past and the mistakes that tied into it.
What he did know, however, was that the moment the man's face showed up out of the shadows instead of that of some other Ascendant, a sigh of relief escaped his lungs and the strain in his shoulders melted away, if only slightly. The man's own exhausted disposition didn't fly by his attention, but besides one quick glance he didn't point it out, giving him the same respect he wished for himself. Everyone had demons but right now wasn't the time to talk about them. That wasn't why he had come here... although in reality, Des wasn't sure if he knew why he was here regardless.
A lopsided grin crawled onto his features, but it seemed even less sincere than it had been a few months ago back in the Typhoon. He wished he could give the old man something better, to not make him think that he was the reason... but no matter how hard he tried, Des couldn't will himself into anything more heartfelt. His heart ached, and even this was more than he expected to be able to give.
"Maybe its both, and if so then it makes the two of us," a brief silence spanned after the words, but it was broken with a tired sigh and an exhale of smoke that had started to build up in his lungs. "Not gonna lie to you, Gabe, I don't really know why I'm here right now," and here wasn't just here, on the border of the Ascendants, still too hesitant to step past it despite Gabriel being right there. He didn't know why he was alive again, why he was still going, why he hadn't just keeled over.
There were many people that Des considered mourning, but the only problem was that he couldn't remember them good enough to make it sincere. His pain was sincere, but he couldn't help but know that if he had no names to utter in his prayers they were hardly good enough. Some would say it was the thought that counted, but he knew different. If he had forgotten the people he needed to mourn, then he was never fit enough to say their names to begin with.
And so instead of wallowing in sadness, the lion continued on with his life, either drunk out of his mind or smoking to get his head out of the darkness. The faces occasionally passed through his head or memories, faintly outlined in his dreams or full on lamenting in his nightmares... but beyond that, he didn't set up shrines, nor did he waste time uttering some semblance of respect for the deceased. The dead gave him more problems than they did solutions. Each body was another brick in the wall.
He wasn't sure if he'd even mourn if Gabriel dropped one day. A better part of him said that he would, but the more rational part said that he'd already forgotten many who he had called friends before, and so the chances of Gabriel being different were less likely than he'd like them to be. As much as he tried to pretend he was a good enough person to change, and he hadn't had anyone die recently to prove him wrong, there was just no denying his past and the mistakes that tied into it.
What he did know, however, was that the moment the man's face showed up out of the shadows instead of that of some other Ascendant, a sigh of relief escaped his lungs and the strain in his shoulders melted away, if only slightly. The man's own exhausted disposition didn't fly by his attention, but besides one quick glance he didn't point it out, giving him the same respect he wished for himself. Everyone had demons but right now wasn't the time to talk about them. That wasn't why he had come here... although in reality, Des wasn't sure if he knew why he was here regardless.
A lopsided grin crawled onto his features, but it seemed even less sincere than it had been a few months ago back in the Typhoon. He wished he could give the old man something better, to not make him think that he was the reason... but no matter how hard he tried, Des couldn't will himself into anything more heartfelt. His heart ached, and even this was more than he expected to be able to give.
"Maybe its both, and if so then it makes the two of us," a brief silence spanned after the words, but it was broken with a tired sigh and an exhale of smoke that had started to build up in his lungs. "Not gonna lie to you, Gabe, I don't really know why I'm here right now," and here wasn't just here, on the border of the Ascendants, still too hesitant to step past it despite Gabriel being right there. He didn't know why he was alive again, why he was still going, why he hadn't just keeled over.
♔ — I want brimstone in my garden