TAKE ALL OF THE PAIN AWAY | {OPEN, KILL, 100TH POST}

[| KILLUA ZOLDYCK |]

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[shadow=darkblue,right]KILLUA[/shadow]

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(Guess who finally had the time to make a decent post wooooooooooo! This got way too long and I got no way to tldr it, the 6 paragraph and onward are the only important paragraphs!)

Strength. It was what made the world spin over and over again. It was how the weak died and the stronger continued to survive longer in their life. He had known this at a very young age thanks to the way that he had been brought up. There were no longer any need to question why other's around him simply started to die. They were just too weak for their own good and there was nothing that anyone could do to save them if they didn't want themselves to get stronger to face those that were stronger than them. Killua had always been naive to the fact that he was the strongest that there would probably ever be in a world like this. He had considered himself to be superior compared to the likes of the clans, or really any other animal that wasn't a Zoldyck. For him to be beaten in a fight would take a lot of skill and his opponent would have to take him off guard at the same time. Killua wasn't weak. He had always been strong and didn't really bother to compare his strength to either his brother or either of the clans that he had decided to live in. Killua always expressed his feelings toward the clan with anyone that he interacted with, an aura of superiority surrounding him all the time. He was a spoiled brat in the sense that he was maybe a bit too confident when it came to the likes of his power. Yet, there hadn't been anyone to beat him in a fight except for one in the clans. He had been utterly disappointed as he always liked somewhat of a challenge when it came to a fight. If he knew that the fight was going to end up boring him then he had no reason to try and draw out the fight when he could just end the life of the one that he was fighting. This train of thought had never really disappeared as he constantly judged and analyzed everyone that he came across. No one could get passed his watchful gaze, and sadly Killua hadn't become an expert when it came to being able to identify if someone was strong or not based on their looks. There was a chance that someone could be strong in a smaller body, but even someone in a smaller body was bound to get overpowered by a being that was at least ten times their size. Killua had always made sure to compensate for this, honing his powers well enough that he would be quick enough to dodge the attacks that came for him by larger creatures. Being one of the fastest species that was on this earth certainly helped him quite a lot. This is how the young male had managed to kill dragons and mythical beasts with a simple flick of his paw and just a couple of his powers. He was dangerous, and he would always remain dangerous. Killua hadn't really realized that while he was growing up, his family had conditioned him to feel only certain emotions while he was training and while he was out on the job. Brainwashing a child at a young age definitely had its benefits, as it would mean they were less likely to struggle against the teaching that was forced into their mind.

He enjoyed the thought of killing others. It meant that each time that he was able to finally go out, it meant that he had a job. The young serval had conditioned himself to feel happy when he took on a job as it meant he was allowed to leave the damned mansion that he was always secluded in and wasn't allowed to leave unless he took out a job. By doing so, Killua was able to learn what the world around him was like, and how others were different compared to the rest of the family. Others were more likely to show emotion compared to another Zoldyck who would do everything in their power to hide their emotions as much as possible. Emotions could be attributed to showing weakness, as an opponent is more than capable of taking advantage of a certain emotion if they knew how the opponent would react to what they said. Angering someone could mean that their attacks became sloppier and easier to read. But pissing off the wrong person could mean that their attacks could come at the opponent a lot harder and would be more accurate. This could be figured out by simply seeing how the opponent held themselves in a conversation. Being able to read body language and emotions on a dime had been part of Killua's training when he was reading the textbooks on anatomy as a kid. Reading body language didn't just help him figure out where a conversation was going, it also helped him figure out where his opponent would end up attacking him. Most animals would tense their muscles in their legs based on what action they were going to end up doing next. Flexing the muscle of a right front limb could mean that they would use that limb to lash out at someone. Tensed back leg muscles usually meant that the animal was going to leap or lunge at something that was in front of him. He also knew a way to make sure those muscles were usually rendered useless. The claws that he had been given when he was a child sharper than that of a knife could easily slice through important sections of a muscle, making it practically useless or extremely painful to use. This is another reason why Killua is cocky when he is interacting with others, as he is able to read their body language and is usually able to gauge their intent unless they were deliberately hiding it. Not like it mattered because if he said something specific, whether it be rude or harsh, anyone could show their true colors for a split second and he would be able to catch up on it. This leads him to already predict what someone is going to do, and no one enjoys someone figuring out what they are going to say next all the time. It could be quite annoying as it means the other won't really be given time to speak all that much. The skills that Killua had learned at a young age ultimately making his life harder for him because they had been bad habits for him over a long time, and there had been no one around that was willing to help him out of the bad habits that he was dealing with.

Killua probably wouldn't even give a chance for someone to help him with his own corrupted mind out of consideration that he doesn't trust anyone in the clans. Most creatures in the clan end up becoming corrupted in some way or another, and their original goals mean that they could use someone. Potentially using Killua for their own means was definitely something that could happen to the young assassin if he wasn't careful enough. Of course, they would have to be as crafty as any Zoldyck member to try and convince him to do something for them. There is, however, something called being far too strong for someone's own good. Power can easily get to someone's head if they start to use that power to gain more power. In the clans, everyone often looked at him like someone that could try and take over a clan for his own enjoyment. They were wrong in that regard, as he had no need to try and manipulate others underneath him to that degree and had never looked forward to potentially being a clan leader. He already hated clan politics after having to deal with them occasionally, and he wasn't exactly the most approachable type of personality out there. Other animals would be better suited for higher positions. Killua did seek power, and that power was going to be used against his family. He knew that he was capable of fighting off his brother and mother. Having taken out his own mother's eyes when she had tried to stand in front of him so that he couldn't leave the damn mansion. Then he took out his second older brother by nearly giving him a fatal wound to the side, dropping the cougar to the ground in just a couple seconds. They had all looked at him in horror. What did they expect? They had bred a killer and had taught him never to trust anyone and show any weakness. He wasn't about to listen to what they had to say to him to try and get him to stay as they were just going to manipulate him again. Killua could take on a number of the Zoldyck members except for three. His father, his grandfather, and Illumi, his older brother. Killua had experience in fighting with his older brother, and nearly dying in the process since he had fought with him. His older brother taking literally everything away from him. Whenever he was around the tiger, the Zoldyck made him feel WEAK. Killua had not been strong enough to accomplish something. It pissed him off to no end that could easily send him into a rage if he wasn't careful and not capable of taking control of his emotions. Killua was confident in his abilities, almost too confident, and when that confidence was taken away from him, he didn't know what else to feel. He felt defeated over and over again, and he wondered if there was even a point trying to rebel against his family if he couldn't even take on his older brother.

If he did end up managing to fight Illumi, and win by some miracle, it would just mean that there would be two more obstacles in his way. He would probably die trying to accomplish such a goal, but they had given him no other choice. All of those that were in his family practically tyrants ruling over one another based on each other's strength. The clans weren't all that different. He wondered if the other groups realized that their leader was the one that constantly just told them what to do and they followed like sheep. It disgusted him. How could they let someone that they barely even know how remotely even a little bit of control of their life? It went against every logic possible. It made no sense. The clans constantly confusing the young assassin for the reason they did what they always did. Killua secretly wanted what they had. Those that he could count on for support whenever something bad happened. Those to look at and be able to joke without someone taking it seriously and trying to rip out his throat. He just wanted SOMETHING. A reason to stay around without just pretending to buy himself time. That he would ultimately meet others that would consider him as one of their own. Instead of looking him as a freak or a threat. Killua's loneliness having rotted him from the inside out over the course that he had been alive. Each time something decent ended up happening, something else came along just to ruin his plans and he was back to square one. There was a piece of the puzzle that he was missing. Killua didn't know what it actually ended up being until he interacted with the white-winged wolf that lived in the Typhoon. She knew quite a bit about him, and his instincts told him that she was immediately a threat in that regard. She had no reason to lie to him though, and she told him everything that he couldn't remember. At least what she knew about him. How else was he supposed to react? He was put into a panic before finally leaving in fear before being able to ask more questions. The mask that Killua always wore on his face always a complete lie of how broken he had been on the inside. His family had built him up to be a great success, and in a way, they probably thought he was wasting his potential by being in the likes of a clan. He would rather waste his potential to live for once instead of being an empty husk that couldn't do anything better with himself. Couldn't make his own decisions.

Followed any order that was given to him. Frozen in fear. How pitiful could he really be? Hating the thought of being potentially controlled by the clans, and yet here he was. A pitiful creature that couldn't do anything to clear his own mind of the nightmares that followed him wherever he went. Was there ever a potential for escaping his past? Never. He would never get that lucky after all. Killua knew why others probably didn't want to trust him. He was a compulsive liar. Lying when he probably didn't need to, and potentially lying about something that was important. It didn't matter. The truth too hard to vocalize in most instances. Frustration was the next emotion that Killua felt for the majority of his life. He just wanted to get stronger, and as soon as he did, his family appeared to make sure to crush the idea that he actually was strong enough to face them. So, he ran. He constantly ran for his life, because he knew that if they had managed to capture him, then he wouldn't have his life anymore. He didn't have memories of himself in the past. A Typhoon member had told him that. If he got captured they would wipe away his memories. Even if most of the memories he had since he left the household were quite stressful, there were a couple happy memories that he had that he wished to cherish. Most of which consisted of him and Amorette laughing together while they were eating the pastries that she had just baked. He felt like a kid again. He felt NORMAL. He wasn't the machine that his family had created him to be. Once their clutches wrapped around his throat though, he would be back to the way that he had once been. He was already struggling with dealing with the voices in his head. Keeping the voices secret because if he ever were to mention them in his head he knew that they would mark him as being someone that was insane. Could someone at his age go insane? He certainly felt like it. He wanted OUT.

Drip.
Drip.
Drip.

The sound was subtle to the albino serval. A sound that he would become accustomed to listening to after a job had been completed. Yet, this hadn't been a job. This had simply been murder and nothing else. Killing something of the likes of a wolf and a leopard were easy pickings in at least the experience that Killua had been through. Massive beasts weren't all that difficult as long as someone could have a plan of attack against something larger than the likes of him. Blood was always going to be a substance that his claws were drenched it. Whether it be his own or some poor victim that was in the wrong place and wrong time. Facing his claws for the last couple seconds of their life. Treating them like they were cows for slaughter and that no one would miss the looks on their faces or that their families would forget about them eventually. He was an assassin. His job was to take the lives of others, and he had done everything in his power to make sure that it didn't happen. His brother probably had been right, that he didn't belong here. Others would probably look at him like he was some sort of monster after what he had just done. Either that or they would look at him as some sort of hero that had kept enemies outside of the camp and potentially risked his life to save them. Killua didn't want that either. The kindness that other's showed in Snowbound was almost too much for him to bear. Why were they being so nice to him? HIM?  He was a killer with a cold stone heart that couldn't be melted. When had even been the last time that he had a small bit of fun with someone? Probably when Mel had ended up joining the clan and they were able to mess with each other. But it wasn't enough. Killua constantly kept barriers around him, knowing how dangerous he and his families were. If someone wasn't strong enough, whether or not he liked them, he was going to have to keep his distance for a good while until they were strong enough in his eyes. Not only did Snowbound have to deal with the constant threat of Killua going off the rails, but they also had to deal with the fact that the Zoldyck family simply may target them because they knew the apprentice, which was enough incentive for them.

Drip.
Drip.
Drip.

The feeling of flesh and blood in between his claws were no foreign to the young assassin. In a way, he had managed to take out on his frustration on those that didn't deserve to die this day. Did he feel bad about what he had just done? Of course not. It almost felt as if there was a weight that had been lifted off of his shoulders. A feeling that would probably only last for a couple of minutes, but right now he relished in the fact about how calm he felt in a situation like this. He felt no panic. The only reason he didn't find any panic in his mind though, was because someone was making sure that there wouldn't be anything remotely close to the emotion. This happened when he usually went onto a job, and he was forced to kill a group of animals. All Killua had to do was to turn a portion of himself off, and only focused on himself and his enemies. Nothing else mattered. He was going to kill them and there was only one way that situation was going to end. His body usually moved on his own when he was in this state. Tendons expended their energy to make him move forward, muscles rippled to make sure his strike did a lethal blow, his body moving side to side in order to dodge attacks. If someone were to watch him fight, it would almost be beautiful to watch. Except for the fact that it would just be a complete slaughter and the only survivor would have been him. Assassination was an art that few could end up perfecting in the short amount of time that he started to learn it. Killua's body itself usually remained cold to the touch, thanks to the way that his elemental air worked half the time. So feeling the warm viscous substance that was on his body right now, whether it was his own or not, felt comforting. He was alive. He wasn't going to die in the darkness just yet. He wasn't to the point of being completely livid after making a kill. Inside he looked serene, but at this point, which were his emotions and which were ones that were being fed toward him? Killua had lowered his head as he wasn't looking at the sky anymore, and he looked down at his blood covered paws. The crimson fluid having splattered up to the middle portion of his arm, the victim's blood also all over his face. Killua didn't seem bothered at all for what he had done, and the dead look still remained in his eyes. While his mind was trying to formulate how to properly react and fight to figure out why he wasn't feeling the way he had expected himself to, his body was reacting on its own. On instinct. The large white ears that were perched on the top of his head were on a constant swivel, listening for anything that was approached to him. Anyone that even tried to dare attack him in this position, well, he would simply kill them as he had no feelings of killing others at the moment. Killua wanted to scream to himself. This wasn't how he wanted to be. He wanted to feel disgusted, and yet the emotion never came. It never CAME.

Drip.
Drip.
Drip.

Any carnivore was going to be drawn to the scent of blood that was spreading through the territory of Snowbound by now. It was a natural instinct for a predator to come looking to see if the source of the smell was if something had died, or was on the verge of dying so that they could get an easy meal. It was in every predator's instincts, no matter how many creatures would try to ignore the calling for potential food in the distance. If Killua had just ended up killing something large in the form of a prey item, this would have played out completely differently. The cougar's paws in the snow were almost hard for his ears to pick up, but once the ears heard the noise, the extremities immediately turned in the direction that she was something from. Killua could feel his own blood seeping from the right side of his body where he had injured himself on purpose. He knew how long he had until his blood finally decided to clot, or at least until a point where he may end up getting concerned about his own well being. He knew the limits of his body better than everyone. Melantha speaking his name made the muscles around his shoulders twitch in response to what she said. He didn't seem to respond for a couple of seconds as she had questioned what had happened. What did she expect could have possibly happened? Would probably have been his answer to her question in his own sarcastic manner, but he wasn't himself at this moment. He was a killer right now. Nothing could change the way he was going to react to the cougar. His head turned to look over his shoulder at the female, albeit slow. The cold look in his eyes didn't change, and there was no emotion or body language to read off of the young tom. As soon as his made contact with her green ones, the temperature of the surrounding area seemed to drop a couple of degrees, maybe not enough for a couple to feel it, but other species that weren't used to the cold would see the smoke of their hot breath in the air. And yet despite that, Killua's breath could not be seen. The tendons that operated his metal claws twitch some in a reaction of seeing her, causing his metal claws to sink into the snow by a centimeter. Which would be difficult to catch if someone hadn't been paying attention. Something was off. Something was WRONG. Killua looked as if he wanted to kill her, but didn't make any threatening movements toward her. Killua did, however, answer her first question as he could hear more animals that were starting to approach. "I was exploring slightly outside of Snowbound territory. I was bored like always, and then I ran into an ambush a couple meters back. They were the ones to make the first attack, but they were fast enough that I couldn't outrun them for long so I turned to face them. I'm lucky to be alive." The lie flowed out of his mouth just like a river. There were no hints in his tone that he was lying, although he did speak in almost a monotone as he told the quick story of what had happened. It was obvious he made it seem like he had no choice but to actually end up killing them.

Drip.
Drip.
Drip.

At this point, Kayn had been one to arrive. The assassin knew that the other would have been able to hear the explanation that he just said and he wouldn't go to repeat the story again. The other hadn't spoken out just yet, but Killua could see how the way that the other was walking toward him. Causing him to almost tilt his head in a not so nice manner toward the canine. His eyes spoke the way that the way he was feeling, and he was able to quickly analyze the other's body language that was directed at him. Threat. The other was thinking about attacking him. Killua turned around to face the dark canine, no means of aggression coming from his own body as he looked at the other with an emotionless look. But also one that most carnivores could immediately see that was a threat to not get too close to him. However, Kayn's body language luckily changed quick enough that the assassin didn't perceive him as an attacker. At least not for the time being. Then both Mel and Kayn asked if he was okay. He wasn't okay. He wanted to scream. He wanted to break down in front of them as a beaten and broken child. "HELP ME. PLEASE." Killua wanted to scream out. PLEAD. He didn't want this anymore. He had come to realize that his brother was right. He was a puppet, and he couldn't cut the strings that were directly controlling him. The side of his mouth seemed to twitch as if he was about to express something other than the way he was feeling. He wanted someone that he could turn to, and yet his body refused to do whatever the hell he wanted. He was at a standstill. Had there ever been a point in trying to resist at all? Roll with the punches is one might end up telling him. And yet, he didn't want to be this miserable again. He was locked in a cage that he couldn't force his way out. There was no one there for him. He was alone. The realization hit him. He had always been alone. In a normal circumstance, he probably would have laughed at himself. The most pitiful creature anyone had ever come across, really. "I'm fine. Blood should finish clotting in a couple of minutes, and the wounds aren't lethal and they aren't incredibly deep either. I can fix myself up without any issues." Killua stated in the same tone that he has used when it came to addressing Mel a couple seconds ago. All he said was true however, he was fine in the regard to his physical condition. No one had specifically asked him for his mental condition, not like he would give them a truth anyway, as it wasn't him speaking after all. Those that ventured too close to him though, would be able to smell some small portion of his blood that had dropped a little bit of a distance away from him. Because despite being covered in blood he didn't smell like anything because the wounds were on his body and the pocket of air that he always kept was close to his body. Depending on the animal, one would be able to smell that his blood smelled different from others, and actually smelled toxic.

Drip.
Drip.
Drip.

There was only one more creature to approach the scene again. Another familiar face, but one that he wouldn't give a lot of recognition to in his current state. The assassin turned to look at the albino clouded leopard and heard the words that she said. Wait. No no no! It wasn't her fault at all! It had been only him that had done something like this, and he could see the guilt that was in his eyes. For a split second his eyes had returned to what they would look normally toward London, before they were forced back into the emotionless color they had been the entire time he had been conversing with the Snowbound members. He did actually manage to say what he wanted to say. "It happened too quickly, and I was too far away. Don't blame yourself. It's okay." This time when he spoke there was a little bit of emotion in his tone. Which was better than him speaking blandly toward the albino clouded leopard. He didn't want anyone to blame themselves for the mistakes he made. That was just too cruel. They didn't know what he was and didn't know how to control him either. It wasn't their fault. Silence expanded between the group for a couple minutes, the sound of his own blood dripping echoing into his ears as if the sound had been magnified several times. The assassin looked down for a ground for a couple seconds, before he started to walk in between Mel and Kayn. "I'm going to patch myself up." Killua stated, resorting back to the monotone like he had done before. There as almost a hint as to what he said though. As if he was also saying 'don't follow me'. Killua didn't bother to stop the blood trail that would probably lead others to him, the pain that he was feeling basically nonexistent. He was going to leave the Snowbounders to do whatever the wanted. His body was moving on its own to get as far away as possible.

snowbound -- apprentice -- male -- 8 moons

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