angel of the first degree • joining

[buckingham barnes]

Without a doubt, there have been instances where Buckingham felt lost figuratively. One major instance Buckingham could think of was during his final days as the Asset. For weeks, Bucky was the perfect Asset- he went through with missions and orders with no hesitation, did not seek for his old memories that his 'enemy'(now he knows that enemy was his old home, and were lies from Ximen) stole, never questioned his handler, and only lived for his job. He firmly believed back then that he was a living weapon- a weapon who shouldn't have his own thoughts, opinions, or emotions. Bucky remembered expecting punishments if he ever slipped up, or how his handler would phrase it, malfunctioned. During those finals days as Ximen's 'perfect' soldier, memories began to surface. Memories that he knew he wasn't actively seeking- as he thought if he got his memories back, they'd interfere with his job, and he wouldn't be performing his job to his full potential. Well, he wasn't wrong- without a doubt, as soon as they began to surface, it left him in confusion and panic. For weeks, Bucky believed what Ximen told him- he was convinced he was always a clanmate of Ximen, and that their enemy stole everything from him. He was certain if he ever wanted his memories back, they'd be exactly what Ximen said- but they weren't. They were the exact opposite, they told an entirely different story.

When he approached his handler, he almost got killed for bringing up- he was lucky to escape with his life. Not long after he approached Ximen, the mutated cheetah left the clan. Bucky didn't run back to his true home- the guilt he felt towards what he did to them could never be redeemed. He felt lost- he felt himself getting mentality drained the more he thought of who he's suppose to be. It felt horrible to realize he lived weeks and weeks of his life on lies, and that it'd be nearly impossible to return to what he used to be. While he left his handler and returned to his original name, he wasn't exactly the same. It's like the Asset and pure Bucky Barnes fused into what he is today. A cold, yet caring, former assassin who has difficulty expressing his emotions. A former assassin who's longing for change, which almost feels impossible to accomplish.

The next one to pad into the scene happened to be Buckingham, sneaking his way in shortly after Monroe. Each step the male made was with delicacy, as if the ground was thin ice, and Bucky didn't want to fall into the below freezing water. His gaze scanned the small crowd around Bottleblonde- which happened to be Ilijas, Pierce, Gordon, and Monroe. As his eyes scanned the crowd, they eventually found their way onto Bottleblonde. He didn't have to look at her for long to notice that concerned expression on her soft face. Like others suggested, he assumed she was lost, but didn't bother to ask if she was- considering Ilijas already asked her. He didn't want to repeat the question or press more questions on her. The male frowned slightly, deciding not to say a word until she spoke up herself.