08-07-2018, 07:00 AM
! Small trigger warning in the second paragraph for discussions of abuse and rape !
Memories
Atbash had a love-hate relationship with memories. Memories brought pain and suffering, but they also made who you are, and believe it or not, Atbash had fond memories. The worst ones always ended up coming back and haunting you, and they hurt. The fond ones hardly ever popped up, and usually are made in the present. Atbash liked remembering her fond memories - who didn't - but she felt the bad ones were kind of... necessary? They shaped your personality, your past, your feelings. So people who thought memories were always completely bad are wrong.
That isn't to say Atbash didn't have bad memories, because she did. That was evident in her past, with everything that went on. Hell, even before Caesar got their System exiled, things were rough for her in Dimension FiveX. Females were treated like scum, like their lives weren't even worth it. Granted, her father and brothers treated her better than any other male would in the Dimension so she was pretty much sheltered from what everyone else acted like, but her mother always told her stories whenever she went out to the market. Being female in Dimension FiveX was awful, and every time her mother left the den to the market. Her mother always said she had to be on the lookout for males because they would often attack her and other females, as well as forced them into things they did not want to do. Her mother often went with other girl friends, seeing as a group of females was better than risking your own life in the allyways of the marketplace. It was just the way their society was.
But at the same time, despite not experiencing and only having her mother's memories and words to rely onto, it shaped Atbash. Atbash was wary of others, especially men (although mostly older men), although she was getting past that now, living in Snowbound. But still, her paranoia stemmed from her memories of her mother's stories, thus shaping her personality and the way she acted. Being paranoid over something you didn't experience is horrible, and Atbash hated the feeling of being distrustful of men but she couldn't help it. It was just something that was taught, a memory she couldn't shake.
Hell, even memories of her brother's actions haunted her at night. Atbash still occasionally has nightmares on the nights that she sleeps, and it sucks being forced to relive memories you don't want. Atbash didn't want to remember the pride on Caesar's face as he watched their parents burn in front of them, she didn't want to remember his betrayal and the way he didn't seem to care anymore. These memories also shaped her and also made her paranoid, though mostly of The Typhoon and Caesar. Because of what he had done, she couldn't trust him anymore, she just couldn't, and he was only making the situation worse by still targeting her and attacking her. Atbash wanted to be stronger and she wanted to get past her fears, but because she had been taught to live in fear rather than face them, she couldn't find herself to face Caesar.
But not all memories are bad. Snowbound is the only place Atbash had fond memories of, despite being born and raised in Dimension FiveX. Atbash barely remembered living in the Dimension and Snowbound was much more of a home to her now than the place that she had been born at. Snowbound gave her happy memories. She remembered when she joined, how welcoming and happy Snowbound had seemed. She remembered placing a pawmark on the old cave system to mark her joining Snowbound and a new chapter in her life. She remembered fighting off the humans and protecting Snowbound as much as she could, and she remembered how warm and fuzzy this place made her feel. She was safe here.
These good memories also shape Atbash in a sense that Snowbound has taught her to be more open and less tense and wary of people. Atbash slowly opened up to her tribemates and she honestly would tell them her backstory if they asked, so long as she had met them prior to asking and was comfortable talking to them. Of course she wouldn't tell her lifestory to just anybody, but the fact that she found herself willing to talk about it was a good thing in her eyes. Snowbound had changed her for the better and she hoped that they will continue to give her good memories throughout her time here.
Word Count: 761