YOU CAN PRETEND YOU DON'T CARE | PRIVATE

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Brighter. Hm. Brighter, yes, but not better. While Shay's newfound vampirism was gilded-colored eyes and baby steps, it was no less graceful than Margaery's abilities. It was just as dark. The hunger was always there - burning, just underneath her skin, in the pit of her stomach. The need to kill sparked to life in her chest. Her rage... God, her anger was hair-trigger (it was only thanks to Erlend that her head was even on straight). The first few days had been a breeze: she had felt brand new and reborn in every sense of the word, but she had removed her rose-colored glasses. She was a weapon now. She was sired in the hopes of saving love, in hopes of protecting it, but Selene had found a way to warp that.

Margaery had changed her, hoping for a true everlasting love. Selene had toyed with that idea for mere moments before scrapping it, replacing it with something dimmer, less welcoming, more haunting. While the molten amber, the shiny yellow of something new danced in her ocean eyes, it masked so much.

Margaery was a rose whose velveteen petals hid steel-lined thorns. Shay was an ocean on a calm day that harbored a great beast underneath its waves.

Or maybe she wasn't. Shay's perspective on things had been askew as of late. While Selene had sewed up her fragmented soul, Aerona and Lorelei poked and prodded and manipulated. They were the reason she had yet to apologize to Bastille. They were the reason her demeanor changed so suddenly, without warning. They were reason she had fought with Margaery.

Right? ... Right?

Her chain of thoughts was broken as Margaery began to speak. The weight of her wife's words hit her almost at once, and she had to catch her breath. Shay could feel the sadness welling up inside of Margaery, threatening to boil over, to come cascading down over the two of them. Shay felt the urge to reach out, to hold Margaery, but she withheld. The scar around her throat felt like it was on fire, but that was just the phantom feelings of death returning to her as Margaery thought about the incident.

"Can't do what?" Shay asked, voice barely above a whisper. She closed her eyes as she waited for the answer. She knew what it was. In her heart of hearts, the woman knew what it was, but she... She had to hear Margaery say it. She had to hear Margaery confirm it, to push the knife Shay had placed in her own chest deeper. She had to hear Margaery utter those words, to twist the knife. She needed to hear her wife, the person she loved the most, tell her how this was all her fault before ripping the knife out and then plunging it in deeper.

'Oh, is that betrayal I taste, love?' Lorelei queried. 'Best be careful with that emotion. We all know what occured last time any of us felt that.'

Shay squeezed her eyes shut tighter. No. No. No. It wasn't betrayal. She knew Margaery was right; this was her fault. All of this was her doing and no one else's. Right?

Why was she so at odds with herself, with everyone else?

"You're..." she paused, eyes opening again. "You're acting like I... Like I'm not hurting." She closed her mouth, a frown appearing. She crossed her arms. Defensive. Shay slowly began to sink into herself. Margaery's emotions hit her like a tidal wave, and what was left in its wake was something nasty. "I can't choose where you put yourself in all of this, Marg. That's on you, not me. And while we're on that topic, I can't fucking control what Bast does either or anyone else for that matter."

She stood then, moving away from Margaery, away from the hurt. She dropped her hands to her sides, and they balled into fists at Margaery's next words. "... What? How could I not care about you and Hazel? Are you listening to yourself?! Marg, that's bullshit and you fucking know it!" A pained look crossed her pale features. "Everything I ever do - it's always been for you... The whole reason this fight is a fucking thing is because I was thinking of you and Hazel! I was trying to protect Haze, protect you, and-!" She stopped herself for a beat. "How could you think that I don't care?"

The blonde woman crossed her arms again as if to shield herself. "Everything else that's happening... Cooper being sick, Rin getting sick, me dying, you not being able to look at me - that's not on me either." The scar... It was hurting again. It was as if she could still feel Nik's knife.

Margaery's final words caused Shay to scoff sadly. "'Why'? Well, isn't that the question?" She hugged her arms closer to herself. "I wish I knew the fucking answer."

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