07-15-2018, 07:56 PM
[div style=" background-color: transparent; border: 0px solid black; width: 550px; min-height: 9px; font-family:; line-height: 110%; text-align: justify; color:; padding: 20px"]little short bc i like solas and my lavellan too much for my small heart to take.
written while listening to against the grain - demo by city and colour & as much as i ever could - demo by c&c
[align=center]【☆】★【☆】★【☆】★【☆】★【☆】
written while listening to against the grain - demo by city and colour & as much as i ever could - demo by c&c
[align=center]【☆】★【☆】★【☆】★【☆】★【☆】
Spoiler:
She missed him.
She thought of him every day. Small things would remind Kar of Solas, like the smell of old leather-bound books and the cry of a lone wolf. Every night, she'd dream of him coming back to her, like the past year had all been a bad dream and that he didn't mean anything that he said. But as he pulled her into his arms and she dug her face into his shoulder, she'd look up and see green eyes staring back at her in the distance. Then the dream would end.
Without him here, it became lonely; Leliana was out acting as the new Divine, and Cassandra was rebuilding the seekers. Lavellan would oft seek out Dorian when the tears came, and he'd calm her through it, but the burden never left her shoulders and it grew heavier with each passing day. She should be mad at Solas. Irreversibly so. But a part of her yearned to throw it all away just for him, to join him in this new world even if it meant all she'd known would be lost.
Then again, Solas had known she'd never truly indulge in such an idea. Which is why he'd denied her when she begged him for it.
One day, it got so bad that she somehow ended up confronting Vivienne rather than Dorian. One minute she was struggling to work the sending crystal, and the next Vivienne was in front of her, her face contorted into an expression of wry amusement. "What?" Kar asked, frowning at her - Vivienne only huffed.
She didn't snort. She huffed. The audacity! "My dear, I could hear your pouting from the other side of Thedas. Dorian's plea of help only prompted me to take action."
The inquisitor stopped what she was doing to stuff the sending crystal in her breast pocket. "What?" she asked, face red. "Dorian messaged you?"
Vivienne twittered pleasantly. "Rather hurriedly, i'm afraid. I could barely read through it all, the words were so crammed together. Something about you crying for Solas like a bitch in heat?"
"He did not say that."
"Maybe not in those words, but he got the message across rather nicely." Vivienne criss-crossed her hands in front of herself, walking past the inquisitor to inspect the massive inside of Skyhold. "This place has not changed a bit since I last left it. Could do for redecorating, but in your state, you could barely manage a change in silverware."
Lavellan's gaze shifted to the side, shoulders hunched. "I don't need help. I don't need your help, most importantly -"
"You're the inquisitor, darling. You don't need anyone or anything but a sword in your hand and a mark in the palm of the other. You're missing both, though. You're no longer whole." a hand was placed delicately in the crevice between Lavellan's neck and shoulder. "I won't waste any pleasantries on you. We both know you don't want that, or need it."
The pressure of her hand deepened just so, prompting Kar to turn around. Instead, she angled her head, just so.
"Solas is gone."
He's not, Kar wanted to scream. You know he's not.
"Come with me." Vivienne grabbed Kar's bicep, past the fireplace and through the door. Into a room that was stuck in another time entirely, a time before the owner had up and disappeared. Kar had been adamant in keeping it like he'd left it, even if at the time the heartbreak was still a ringing pain in her body. Like she'd hoped before, standing here now made her relive that childish dream that he would walk in from the right hallway and wait for her to accompany him.
"Look around you, Inquisitor." Vivienne gestured. The paintings on the wall seemed to squirm to life under their careful scrutiny. "Memories. Lies. The Solas we knew was a glamour meant to hide the bigger picture."
Ripped out of her trance, Kar ripped her arm out from Vivienne's grip to reflect her cold gaze. "Solas -"
"Fen'Harel." she corrected.
"Solas was not some figment of my dreams. He was real, Vivienne, and he's out there. Waiting. To sit here in my castle, planning for a moment that may never even come, is the hardest part. I will never be able to reach him again. To touch him. Every day is a battle in my head - do I fight him, or let the world I fought so hard to protect crumble?" wetness collected in Kar's eyes, blurring Vivienne, as if shielding her from a truth she dare not face. "Even if I wanted to do something, where do I start? The inquisition is disbanded. My clan is dead. I have nothing." bile rose in her throat, barring her from shouting any further.
Vivienne stared. She barely moved an inch as she watched Kar, whose chest was heaving, brown hair untangled and messy around her shoulders, face painted a blotchy pink from her own outburst.
When Vivienne did move, it was to open her arms.
For a moment, Kar just stood there, wary and tired.
Vivienne's nod eventually drew her into an embrace, a touch that was not wanted but so dearly needed. It had been so long since she had been held. Listened to from a measurable distance, and not leagues away. It was nice, even as her body trembled and her mouth emitted hiccups she did not permit, and a hand tangled into her hair, pressing her into a bony shoulder. "You're wrong. The inquisition might be disbanded, but your friends are still here - here for you. We were never close, my dear, and scarcely agreed, but you will do well to trust me when I say that with a simple call, they'll be rounded up in a nice line, ready to do your bidding. You are not alone. Never think that again."
She thought of him every day. Small things would remind Kar of Solas, like the smell of old leather-bound books and the cry of a lone wolf. Every night, she'd dream of him coming back to her, like the past year had all been a bad dream and that he didn't mean anything that he said. But as he pulled her into his arms and she dug her face into his shoulder, she'd look up and see green eyes staring back at her in the distance. Then the dream would end.
Without him here, it became lonely; Leliana was out acting as the new Divine, and Cassandra was rebuilding the seekers. Lavellan would oft seek out Dorian when the tears came, and he'd calm her through it, but the burden never left her shoulders and it grew heavier with each passing day. She should be mad at Solas. Irreversibly so. But a part of her yearned to throw it all away just for him, to join him in this new world even if it meant all she'd known would be lost.
Then again, Solas had known she'd never truly indulge in such an idea. Which is why he'd denied her when she begged him for it.
One day, it got so bad that she somehow ended up confronting Vivienne rather than Dorian. One minute she was struggling to work the sending crystal, and the next Vivienne was in front of her, her face contorted into an expression of wry amusement. "What?" Kar asked, frowning at her - Vivienne only huffed.
She didn't snort. She huffed. The audacity! "My dear, I could hear your pouting from the other side of Thedas. Dorian's plea of help only prompted me to take action."
The inquisitor stopped what she was doing to stuff the sending crystal in her breast pocket. "What?" she asked, face red. "Dorian messaged you?"
Vivienne twittered pleasantly. "Rather hurriedly, i'm afraid. I could barely read through it all, the words were so crammed together. Something about you crying for Solas like a bitch in heat?"
"He did not say that."
"Maybe not in those words, but he got the message across rather nicely." Vivienne criss-crossed her hands in front of herself, walking past the inquisitor to inspect the massive inside of Skyhold. "This place has not changed a bit since I last left it. Could do for redecorating, but in your state, you could barely manage a change in silverware."
Lavellan's gaze shifted to the side, shoulders hunched. "I don't need help. I don't need your help, most importantly -"
"You're the inquisitor, darling. You don't need anyone or anything but a sword in your hand and a mark in the palm of the other. You're missing both, though. You're no longer whole." a hand was placed delicately in the crevice between Lavellan's neck and shoulder. "I won't waste any pleasantries on you. We both know you don't want that, or need it."
The pressure of her hand deepened just so, prompting Kar to turn around. Instead, she angled her head, just so.
"Solas is gone."
He's not, Kar wanted to scream. You know he's not.
"Come with me." Vivienne grabbed Kar's bicep, past the fireplace and through the door. Into a room that was stuck in another time entirely, a time before the owner had up and disappeared. Kar had been adamant in keeping it like he'd left it, even if at the time the heartbreak was still a ringing pain in her body. Like she'd hoped before, standing here now made her relive that childish dream that he would walk in from the right hallway and wait for her to accompany him.
"Look around you, Inquisitor." Vivienne gestured. The paintings on the wall seemed to squirm to life under their careful scrutiny. "Memories. Lies. The Solas we knew was a glamour meant to hide the bigger picture."
Ripped out of her trance, Kar ripped her arm out from Vivienne's grip to reflect her cold gaze. "Solas -"
"Fen'Harel." she corrected.
"Solas was not some figment of my dreams. He was real, Vivienne, and he's out there. Waiting. To sit here in my castle, planning for a moment that may never even come, is the hardest part. I will never be able to reach him again. To touch him. Every day is a battle in my head - do I fight him, or let the world I fought so hard to protect crumble?" wetness collected in Kar's eyes, blurring Vivienne, as if shielding her from a truth she dare not face. "Even if I wanted to do something, where do I start? The inquisition is disbanded. My clan is dead. I have nothing." bile rose in her throat, barring her from shouting any further.
Vivienne stared. She barely moved an inch as she watched Kar, whose chest was heaving, brown hair untangled and messy around her shoulders, face painted a blotchy pink from her own outburst.
When Vivienne did move, it was to open her arms.
For a moment, Kar just stood there, wary and tired.
Vivienne's nod eventually drew her into an embrace, a touch that was not wanted but so dearly needed. It had been so long since she had been held. Listened to from a measurable distance, and not leagues away. It was nice, even as her body trembled and her mouth emitted hiccups she did not permit, and a hand tangled into her hair, pressing her into a bony shoulder. "You're wrong. The inquisition might be disbanded, but your friends are still here - here for you. We were never close, my dear, and scarcely agreed, but you will do well to trust me when I say that with a simple call, they'll be rounded up in a nice line, ready to do your bidding. You are not alone. Never think that again."
[sub]gone. just checkin in once and a while.[/sub]