slow life [ desperado’s opinions ]

[adomania]

[align=center][div style="borderwidth=0px; width: 55%; line-height:115%; text-align: justify;font-family: calibri;"]table of contents - a place for me to put any significant relationships and Des’ opinions towards them.
— gabriel
— south
— lirim
— moonmade

[adomania]

[align=center][div style="borderwidth=0px; width: 55%; line-height:115%; text-align: justify;font-family: calibri;"]GABRIEL

I’ve never had a father growing up. Dad died when I was young, returning to whatever hole he crawled out of to return to whatever part of hell he claimed to have control over. I didn’t believe in his stories too much, finding them too grandiose to be true... but shit, he was a better father than Lirim could ever be, and losing him seemed like the first push that led me down this sorry spiral I call my life. South always helped me, made sure that I got by... but in the end their brotherly affection could not replace the need to be... wanted. To be guided, told that I can become something good if I just tried hard enough.

Never had someone like that, still don’t to be honest. I’m getting too old to hope for second chances or for someone to take me under their wing. People die young these days, and I’m one of those “lucky” ones who managed to keep their life for longer than two years at most. Still, it seems like the world is either taking pity on me or throwing another bone my way that it’ll eventually take back regardless.

I don’t know I can call Gabriel a father; I barely know the guy despite our little chats and how much easier it is to talk to him than with others. I can tell he doesn’t buy into my bullshit, and he probably knows that there’s something significantly darker brewing underneath the show I put up... a part of me hopes he’ll dig it up, if only to free me from a burden I’ve carried for years now. Another part of me, the wiser one, is telling me to run away before life decides to fuck me over yet again.

My luck has a funny way of running out. Too many friends of mine have died by my hands, and I don’t want to add another to the list if I can help it. I just hope the old man is smarter than me, and realizes I’m a lost cause before he decides to get invested in my future.

[adomania]

[align=center][div style="borderwidth=0px; width: 55%; line-height:115%; text-align: justify;font-family: calibri;"]SOUTH

As a kid I always read stories filled with fictional heroes who saved the day just when it seemed the most dire. It was so easy to see myself in their shoes, killing those who plagued the innocent in order to make the world a better place... its almost funny how I became the exact opposite.

South, though... shit, South had their life together from the get go. They and Lirim got along swell, even if the latter was barely around to begin with. South took their legacy to heart, making sure to make the void proud... and despite how much I still despise that part of them, I love them more than I’ve ever loved Lirim.

As twisted as their morals are, South never abandoned me. Even when I wanted to run, to become something different than they hoped to be... they still stuck to me, no matter what. I could tell they never believed I could shake off both Fell and Lirim’s influence... they never said it to my face, though. Perhaps they should have. It would have spared me a lot of false hope and trouble, and now I’m following after foolish fantasies whereas I could have been ruling the entire world alongside them if I had just given in.

[adomania]

[align=center][div style="borderwidth=0px; width: 55%; line-height:115%; text-align: justify;font-family: calibri;"]LIRIM

Everyone thinks of the void as this constant, endless, merciless thing; a figureless mass that destroys everything in its path and leaves nothing untouched. They aren’t too far off, but I’ve learned the hard way that there’s more to it than just cold, brutal murder. Beyond the destruction, the void is simply apathy. It takes and gives without a thought of what it will eventually do, and that, beyond all, is what fucked me up the most.

I never expected much from Lirim, not because I didn’t love them but because I figured anyone could be a better parent than a dead one. I was proven wrong quite quickly when Fell died and left me to their whims. It wasn’t that they were abusive... they were just apathetic to a fault, caring very little for what would become of me. South got along with them far better, able to communicate in chaotic ways that made them actually interested in something for once... I couldn’t give two damns about any of it the same way Lirim couldn’t give two damns about me.

A part of me always wondered if they regretted having me. Fell fucked off god knows where and left them alone with three kids who were a constant reminder of his death. I know how bad that could be, but... fuck, I don’t know... it would have been damn nice to have someone care.

They were everything, held the power to do anything... yet they still watched everything that happened to me and never batted an eye. They were omniscient and could stop all the things that fucked me up and over... and instead I was forced to grow up feeling just about as useful as a toy. Fun and great until I was used up and no one wanted me anymore.

You don’t come back from what I went through alright. That shit fucks you up forever, and whereas I could forgive someone who had barely any more power than I had back then... I can’t forgive someone who had no right to just watch while people... while their son suffered.

[adomania]

[align=center][div style="borderwidth=0px; width: 55%; line-height:115%; text-align: justify;font-family: calibri;"]MOONMADE

I once placed my life in someone's hands before, hoping they would be my savior. I was naive back then, thinking that just because a door was open that it meant it was safe... learned real quick that it wasn't quite the truth. I didn't have anywhere else to go, and I think that's the worst part. Sometimes you have no choice in what you do, and the only one who can save you is the one you despise with all your heart.

Moonmade reminds me of them. He thinks he knows everything, know's what the best for everyone just because he has the ability to save or let people die if he wanted to. He thinks he can understand a situation just by glancing at it, and that I am obliged to thank him and bow at his fucking feet just because he exists and took pity enough to take care of me. I'm not afraid of death. I died once. I would do it again just to make sure his paws never fucking touch me again.

They remind me of his.

I won't be their dog again.