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+----- Thread: stagnation ;; wormwood (/showthread.php?tid=9972)
stagnation ;; wormwood - cavalrychoir - 07-30-2019
[align=center][div style="border-width:0px; width: 60%; text-align: justify; font-family: verdana; font-size: 8.5pt; line-height: 140%;word-spacing:-1px;"]If someone had spoken to Ren about his thoughts on being alone, about living in solitude a couple months ago, he'd say he wouldn't mind it. He wouldn't mind waking up everyday to his own thoughts, nothing but his reflections on shiny surfaces to keep him company. He'd talk to the birds and small bugs that he'd come across and despite his best efforts to hold the conversation, he'd grow anxious and say his farewells. Not that they'd care. Not that anyone should care. Why should anyone care? After everything he's done... All the pain and suffering he caused because what? He was bored? He was told to? Yes... He was told to but anyone with a decent moral compass would realize right away it was wrong. So why did he continue? Why did it feel so good? He was a naive child just doing as he was told. To be a great leader, he'd have to be stern and unforgiving. Protective and brave. Independent and determined. All those who oppose him would be cut down immediately. Deception was all too familiar to the demon whom did whatever he could to be in any position of power. Lie, cheat, steal... This was his everyday. Somewhere deep in him he knew it was wrong but he was more scared of what his tribe would do to him should he listen to that small voice that begged him to stop. Like the brave, strong and intimidating soldier he was raised to be, Ren remained quiet and obediently did as he was expected to. Overtime it became who he is, who he thought he was meant to be and who others knew he was meant to become; a monster. Someone who sought out chaos and drank disharmony like water as lies dripped from the corners of their mouths. With an olive branch in one paw, his smiling face would distract from the blood dripping from his other and the piles of bodies that stacked behind him. It wasn't until much later in his life did the small voice in him reach their limit before screaming like a banshee. The sound waves resonated in his soul and for a brief moment, in a matter of minutes did his world go up in the very flames he found delight in fanning. The flames of self-doubt and hesitation scorched his insides and scrambled his thoughts. Once he was able to regain control, the voice was silent and Ren was left in a state of panic and confusion.
Selling his soul to kill those who implanted such a sick and twisted ideal into his mind seemed like a good idea at the time - being, and still being a reckless youth. But he never anticipated his life would turn out like this. He had planned to find a nice, secluded area away from others to live out the remainder of his days. After everything he's done, everything he was taught to do, he didn't trust himself around others. Ren didn't want to dive back into who he was before he didn't have a soul... Was this... Irony? To be monstrous and merciless with a soul and anxious and terrified without one. It was a cruel joke but he found himself laughing nonetheless. This was his punishment and he will gladly take it if it means repenting for what he's done. He knew not to ask for forgiveness as he is unworthy of it, but he hopes that all those whom he caused misfortune would forget about him. That they would heal in peace and carry on their life as though it was all a bad dream. That's what he was. A nightmare. A nightmare undeserving of kindness or hospitality... The very things he used as weapons to further his own adgenda. So when he met someone who gave him this and more, he was scared. Scared he'd take her for granted. Scared he'd treat her like he treated everyone else. Scared he's ruin her life just as he's destroyed others. Despite pushing her away, she remained at his side and accepted him for who he is. Granted, she knows nothing of his origins and he hopes to keep it that way in fear of being rejected by her. Ren was careful not to touch her or sit too close, not only anxious about their massive size difference - she being a Maine Coon and he being a slightly larger than average lynx - but paranoid his soiled paws would stain her beautiful pink fur. Before he knew it, she had become his world and nothing mattered more to him than her well-being.
Then he lost her.
It wouldn't be the first time but the painful, antagonizing spear that shot though his heart when he was left all by his lonesome was an all too familiar feeling. His breathing became laboured and his eyes began to water as lips were drawn back in a vicious snarl revealing sharp white teeth. Just as sharp claws dug into the soft earth as he forced himself to calm down, knowing full well if he didn't, his anger would get the best of him. If that happened, he couldn't guarantee anyone's safety. If someone had spoken to Ren about his thoughts on being alone, about living in solitude a, he'd say he wouldn't like it. He has someone he wants to be with and couldn't imagine his life without. A life without her isn't a life he wants to live in.
Which brings us to Ren, stalking through the undergrowth, trying to pick up any scent he could find. So far, it's just been prey and the occasional stale scent of a creature he wasn't able to detect. Strong muscles rippled and flexed with every step as his unsheathed claws pierced the ground beneath him. With every passing day, he grew more anxious and irritated, cursing himself for ever letting something like this happen. Hasn't she been through enough? Ren definitely thinks so. For someone like him... For an apex predator... For someone bred from war and destruction... He hated himself for not being able to keep her safe. He wanted to use his strength to keep others safe from the same individuals he grew up with and was himself. Pointed ears were attentive and on occasion, twisted and turned about as he strained to pick up every sound possible. Dark red optics though lidded, but laced with determination as slotted black pupils scanned everything that moved with such intensity, one would be uncertain if he was going to kill them. The answer would be no considering he's never killed anything since he left his home. He was positive Delilah wouldn't like it either- him taking a life. But... If the context was to ensure her well-being, could he? Would he? No, he could think about that later. He needed to focus on finding her first.
He made a promise to always find his way back to her side and he was more than willing to walk though Heaven and Hell to keep it.
[[ sorry for the wait [member=6881]wormwood.[/member] it's been a while since i last rped and i'd like the first post to be at the very least, mediocre lel ;;; ]]
Re: stagnation ;; wormwood - wormwood. - 07-30-2019
[glow=#000,1,400]BUT NOW I UNDERSTAND YOU, AND I WILL NOT BE PART OF YOUR DESIGNS — ｡+ﾟ.[/glow]
Wormwood very much enjoyed being on his own. Perhaps it was because of his upbringing. After all, being brought up in a lion pride where his parents didn't very much care about him in favor of his brother, and where there was constant dissent and worry over who was going to take over the pride, and who would be best to lead them. All in all, Worm had learned over the years of his life that being around others wasn't as great as most other people thought it really was. As opposed to back home, where he had had to carefully monitor his every move and action to make sure he wasn't offending someone or making himself seem even more undesirable in the group, being on his own meant that he could just relax and be himself, even if there was nobody around to see him in his own real skin.
When it came to endangering others, Wormwood had plenty of guilt of his own that ended up crushing his heart in his chest a lot of the time. He had staged a coup against his own brother, and had gotten a lot of other lions killed because of it, only to have Poet forgive him, but their trust irreversibly broken. His decisions definitely weighed heavily upon him, and whenever Poet mentioned them, he definitely felt even worse about it. Wormwood would definitely understand the way that Ren didn't want to hurt anybody else or couldn't bring himself to let go of the past and not blame himself.
Although Wormwood wasn't aware of Ren's existence yet, he did know who Ren was often thinking of. He had met Delilah, and honestly Worm was a pretty big fan of her. She had been helping to take care of Poet's sickness, and she was pretty much just a very kind person, which always made Worm like someone immediately. He supposed it was kind of sad that someone just being slightly kind to him meant that he respected and liked them, but people around him were always pretty rough in their attitudes and actions, so kindness was something very new and welcomed in his opinion.
The large golden lion had been making his way around a bit farther away from the swamp than usual, mainly because he just wanted a break from the awful humidity that loomed over the entire Tanglewood territory. His footsteps were heavy and slow as he walked along casually, before he paused at an unfamiliar scent. Sure, there were lots of unfamiliar scents away from Tanglewood now, but this one was different. It seemed stale with something old and almost similar to Tanglewood, and it was getting closer and closer to the territory, so it made him tense up in worry. He slowly made his way over to where the scent was coming from, and paused when he saw Renegadeanthem, who seemed to be... searching, for something. The lion remained silent for a moment before clearing his throat, mumbling softly as he made his way in front of Ren, [glow=#793B29,1,400]"Hello there, you looking for something...? You seem a bit out of it, and you're getting pretty close to where Tanglewood is."[/glow]
( ahfjgjdjg sorry this kinda sucks!! I've been replying to a lot of stuff lately and I was trying to make a decent post to match yours but I suck )
When it came to endangering others, Wormwood had plenty of guilt of his own that ended up crushing his heart in his chest a lot of the time. He had staged a coup against his own brother, and had gotten a lot of other lions killed because of it, only to have Poet forgive him, but their trust irreversibly broken. His decisions definitely weighed heavily upon him, and whenever Poet mentioned them, he definitely felt even worse about it. Wormwood would definitely understand the way that Ren didn't want to hurt anybody else or couldn't bring himself to let go of the past and not blame himself.
Although Wormwood wasn't aware of Ren's existence yet, he did know who Ren was often thinking of. He had met Delilah, and honestly Worm was a pretty big fan of her. She had been helping to take care of Poet's sickness, and she was pretty much just a very kind person, which always made Worm like someone immediately. He supposed it was kind of sad that someone just being slightly kind to him meant that he respected and liked them, but people around him were always pretty rough in their attitudes and actions, so kindness was something very new and welcomed in his opinion.
The large golden lion had been making his way around a bit farther away from the swamp than usual, mainly because he just wanted a break from the awful humidity that loomed over the entire Tanglewood territory. His footsteps were heavy and slow as he walked along casually, before he paused at an unfamiliar scent. Sure, there were lots of unfamiliar scents away from Tanglewood now, but this one was different. It seemed stale with something old and almost similar to Tanglewood, and it was getting closer and closer to the territory, so it made him tense up in worry. He slowly made his way over to where the scent was coming from, and paused when he saw Renegadeanthem, who seemed to be... searching, for something. The lion remained silent for a moment before clearing his throat, mumbling softly as he made his way in front of Ren, [glow=#793B29,1,400]"Hello there, you looking for something...? You seem a bit out of it, and you're getting pretty close to where Tanglewood is."[/glow]
( ahfjgjdjg sorry this kinda sucks!! I've been replying to a lot of stuff lately and I was trying to make a decent post to match yours but I suck )
Re: stagnation ;; wormwood - cavalrychoir - 07-31-2019
[align=center][div style="border-width:0px; width: 60%; text-align: justify; font-family: verdana; font-size: 8.5pt; line-height: 140%;word-spacing:-1px;"][[ nononononononono it's wonderful!! you gave me many things to work with so it's lovely in my book ( - u - )b ]]
Growing up, Ren was taught to travel in packs, that there was strength in numbers but by no means were they suppose to look after each other. Everyone carried their own weight and there was no hesitation in leaving behind the sick and wounded. Those not strong enough to run, fight and get back up after a hit were deserted. In a group, they were unmatched. By themselves, they were just as fierce and formidable. They didn't depend on each other the way a group or family would and although Ren hates to admit it, doing so urged him to keep up and not back down from challenges. It was either win or die and he had no interest in being killed. After every fight he'd emerge with broken bones and bloodied fur, but victorious. Those around him would praise his strength and ambition to keep going despite the odds and he soaked in every ounce of it. If there was anything he had to be proud of, it was his physical resilience and capabilities. From outward appearances alone, there was no mistaking the power behind his movements. His massive paws and strong jaw were used to crushing the bones of those who dare oppose him. Much like most hardened warriors, he oozed intimidation, battle experience and, could command a crowd if he so desired. But the long-lasting effects of his birthplace transformed him to a self-loathing, anxious and distrusting man. He hated who he was, hates who he is and if this pattern continues, he'll hate who he'll become.
Letting go was more of a challenge than he expected it to be. He's killed without a second thought, threatened others and followed through with it. He's abandoned those who needed help and convinced many to do harm and wreak havoc. He wished he could forget about everything he's done but he wasn't so sure if he deserved to forget. Why should he forget about all the atrocities and crimes he's committed? Why should he, the bad guy in this situation, the villain, be let off with nothing more than a slap on the wrist? Why, when many innocent people have suffered more than he could ever imagine? Why should someone like him ever be at peace? What, because he felt guilty? Because he's reflected on his actions and is deeply apologetic? An apology and owning up to the terrible things he's done isn't going to bring people back from the dead. It isn't going to mend broken bones or heal cuts and bruises. If he truly wanted to make amends for what he's done, he'd find a quiet cave in the middle of nowhere and stay there for the rest of his life. He'd remain there in fear of one day crossing paths with those he's harmed, unsure what to do in that situation. He'd be compelled to hand them a weapon and tell them to only stop when they're satisfied. Ren couldn't think of anything else. Or worst, what if they forgive him? He'd surely cry tears of anger and confusion if his once hostile ways is meet with kindness and compassion. He'd beg them not to show the mercy he didn't show them and instead drive a blade between his eyes. Anything... Anything would be fine... Just... Don't treat him as though he's innocent.
Ren's not a victim. He knows this.
He knew what he was doing was wrong and chose to ignore it. Eventually, it became everything he's ever known and molded himself to fit within it until he was enjoying himself. He was convinced this is how life was meant to be lived; controlling and dominating others. Those not strong enough to oppose him or stand as his equal were destined to be ruled. Trampled and stomped on by more powerful creatures who know exactly how to get what they want when they wanted it. It was eat or be eaten, and Ren was always full.
Of course Wormwood liked Delilah. Ren couldn't think of anyone who's met the fem and didn't like her. She was far from perfect, he knew this well. No one was perfect and she was no exception. But despite this, he adored her. Her magenta eyes were always warm and welcoming despite the hell she went through... The hell he caused her - but that was a story for later. She's always a delight to be around and her nurturing personality made him and others feel as though everything was going to be okay. Ren knew well of the silent strength she harboured inside her and it gave him courage to continue on as well. He wasn't sure where'd he'd be if he hadn't met her and in exchange for bringing light to his life, he vowed to remain by her side. They were inseparable... Which only makes the situation he was in worst.
Ren had no idea he was nearing Tanglewood's territory until Wormwood had stepped before him and told him. The sudden appearance of a larger creature caught the male off guard and in response, he drew back his lips in a snarl before quickly stopping. His mind- he wasn't thinking properly. His head was jumbled with thoughts of Delilah and his enhanced senses made it that much harder to concentrate. Stopping, the lynx lifted a large paw and placed it on his face as a sigh escaped his lips. "I am..." He started, unsure of what his mind and mouth wanted to say. Apologize? Yes, that would be a good start. "Sorry." He finished, lowering his paw to look up at the larger creature. He needed to get a hold of himself before he causes unnecessary conflict between him and his clan. His... Clan... The stranger did say "Tanglewood," right? As in the Tanglewood? The clan he's staying in? Now that he mentioned it, his surroundings did look familiar. How had he not noticed? Ah, right. Delilah. But he should at least be paying attention to where he was going. Straightening up, he remembered the lion saying something else regarding him losing something and the current state he was in. Blinking slowly, Ren shook his head. "N-no... I am quite alright." He spoke, his usual formal way of addressing others made itself evident. He doubted the stranger knew of Delilah and decided not to mention his predicament.
Now that he had a paw back in reality, he noticed the faint smell of Tanglewood on the other's coat. He hasn't been here long, Ren could tell that much. "Are you a member of Tanglewood?" Came his inquiry. Though his voice was deep and had a rumble comparable to soft thunder, it was slightly hoarse from weeks without using it.