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+----- Thread: sometimes i get believin’ ( p (/showthread.php?tid=9379)
sometimes i get believin’ ( p - selby roux ! - 03-18-2019
[align=center][div style="width: 51%; text-align: justify; font-size: 10pt; letter-spacing: -1px; font-family: georgia;"]Selby felt like a bad son. He had practically disappeared for months on end for no good reason and had missed the fact that his father had been promoted to leader. He sought to bridge the gap between himself and Crow. And so he sent a red-winged blackbird with a note attached to its leg asking Crow to meet him in his little nook in the woods, where he kept a tidy row of potted herbs protected by a salt circle.
Selby sat waiting, but he was not empty handed. He had brought with him a beaded bracelet that he had made, the colors various greens, grays, and blacks. The design of it was deceptively simple, becoming more complex the longer one looked at it. Selby meant it as a symbol of good wishes, but was afraid that it would not be perceived as such.
Re: sometimes i get believin’ ( p - Crow Roux - 03-31-2019
[align=center][div style="width: 500px; text-align: justify; font-family: georgia; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 1.4;"]
Crow felt the rift that was ever steadily growing between he and Selby was one entirely onset by his own negligence as a caretaker. His sleeping patterns were appalling—he would stay up for days on end bumbling about in a zombie-like trance, only to ultimately crash and repeat the vicious cycle all over again the very next week. At the worst of it his days blurred into a singular continuum of time with no dividing period of unwind as it was for those untouched by the hand of insomnia. There was no 'tomorrow' to escape to, and his time conscious felt like a prison of the mind, so he became distant, not only to himself but those he loved.
A little blackbird pecked at Crow's window, and the feline unfurled a note from its leg, eyebrows squinting as he left a seed offering which the bird graciously snapped up before sending it on its way, his lonely eyes gazing after the flitting crimson accented wings of its departure. From Selby, huh? he thought, recognising the handwriting at once, and his breath hitched when he realised that after everything done, his son still wanted to reconcile with him.
The tabby was a bad father, a truth that a voice in the depths of his skull reiterated to a point where it was driven like a nail against his frail ego. He was hard to convince otherwise—it was a part of the cog of his inner workings, part of who and what he was. No one could change it, but Selby seemed to still find him tolerable despite that, and it was baffling to the cat.
I should go talk to him? Crow's gut squirmed at the thought as he begrudgingly set one paw in front of the other in the direction of the point of rendezvous, and Selby's expectant gaze caused him to drop his own. "Um," the feline stammered. "Uh, hi."
Re: sometimes i get believin’ ( p - selby roux ! - 03-31-2019
[align=center][div style="width: 51%; text-align: justify; font-size: 10pt; letter-spacing: -1px; font-family: georgia;"]Selby had begun to think of leaving when he heard his father’s foot steps. Surely, after all, being a leader required a lot of time and energy? Surely that meant the there would be no time for a son that never remembered to visit? Well, whether or not there was time, Crow was here.
And his heart dropped with Crow’s gaze. Is he so angry with me that he won’t look at me? That thought festered, curling in his chest and stealing his breath away. It made sense. Crow had every right to be angry at him for never bothering to say hello.
It was a long beat before he remembered to speak. ”H-hey,” he said, almost too quietly to be audible. Less like you’re afraid of him? ”Hey,” he tried again, his voice clearer and louder.
He held out the bracelet shyly. He had spent ages on it, longer than he would’ve for most other people. ”I, er, made this for you. To say congrats for becoming leader, even if circumstances weren’t so great. And also,” he began, swallowing any doubt and reminding himself to breathe, ”to say sorry. I’m sorry for being a bad son. I want to have a relationship with you, even if my actions have been... contradictory to that. I’m sorry.”
And there it was. Guilt he hadn’t been aware he was feeling melted away, slowly but surely, leaving sweet relief in its wake. He hadn’t been forgiven, and he very well might not be, but the simple act of voicing his concerns had made him feel so much lighter. It was a surprise, but one that came of having lived not quite long enough to have had the time to do something so treacherous that the thought of addressing it brought more distress than the act itself had.
Re: sometimes i get believin’ ( p - Crow Roux - 05-13-2019
[align=center][div style="width: 500px; text-align: justify; font-family: georgia; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 1.4;"]
Realising he had dropped his gaze, he brought it to attention that he should probably attempt to make eye contact with Selby, as difficult as it was. He had always been bad with eye contact, one of the many products of the crippling anxiety that caged him like a songbird. Crow could be out there doing important things, but his anxiety held him back, trapped him, left him feeling hopeless...
His shaky pupils raised, but held steadily on the form of his son, the urgency too great for him to pussy out. He was a shitty father, and he knew it, and Selby knew it too, but he had made effort to rekindle their relationship. Out of what, though? Pity? His stomach began to churn. There was no way Selby didn't hate him after everything, absolutely no way in all hell.
"I- erm..." the feline choked out as he came back to reality, looking at the bracelet offered to him almost dismissively, then back into Selby's marigold eyes. There were more important things he had to address than the bracelet. "It- it's not your fault a-at all. It's mine. I- I've been horrible. I can't even take care of myself."
Crow's focus would go somewhere else, dull eyes facing the ground once more as an overbearing sense of doom spread through his body. His voice was now a whisper. "I- I love you. You know that, r-right? I really do... I'm sorry for being a shitty dad."
Re: sometimes i get believin’ ( p - selby roux ! - 05-13-2019
[align=center][div style="width: 51%; text-align: justify; font-size: 10pt; letter-spacing: -1px; font-family: georgia;"]Selby thought, for just a flicker of a moment, that when Crow’s eyes flickered from his creation to his eyes that he was going to say something hurtful. I hate it, perhaps. Or maybe, Why would you give this to me? It’s worthless. However that though dissipated as soon as Crow began speaking.
He was taking the blame. He was putting it all on himself. Saying that he was horrible and that he couldn’t even take care of himself. The bracelet was suddenly on the ground, and the paw that held it moved to Crow’s shoulder as gently as he could manage it. Selby resisted the urge to speak. It would be best to let him finish and then speak.
As soon as Crow was finished saying those horrible things about himself, Selby spoke. ”Hey. I love you too,” he began, gently and quietly, his words for Crow’s ears only. ”And, all things considered, I don’t think you’re a shitty dad. I forgive you for all the crimes you think you’ve committed against me. I’m okay. I’m great. You just need a little help to get to the same places. I could be that person for you, if you wanted.
”If it weren’t for you, I’d surely be dead. I don’t remember my biological parents, but I know that if you hadn’t adopted me and eventually brought me here, I wouldn’t be here. So I think that earns you some good dad points. I love you, so, so much.” He took a pause to clear his throat as quietly as he could manage, finding that his voice was starting to crack with the emotion. ”Let’s just promise to do right by each other from now on.“
He moved forward slowly, wrapping his other arm Crow, catching him into a loose hug.
Re: sometimes i get believin’ ( p - Crow Roux - 05-13-2019
[align=center][div style="width: 500px; text-align: justify; font-family: georgia; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 1.4;"]
He winced when Selby's paw touched his shoulder, then relaxed into the touch at the familiarity. There was no need to be so scared, so why was he? Again, the sickening feeling in his bones was once more, an overbearing desire to run away and forget, to start over so he would not have to deal with the consequences of his actions. Selby seemed forgiving, and the feline knew that, but as much as he tried he could not shake the feeling in his gut that it was all just a ploy or a ruse—he would be taken advantage of, beaten, left in the dirt with nothing but the thoughts in his head.
"I don’t remember my biological parents, but I know that if you hadn’t adopted me and eventually brought me here, I wouldn’t be here."
Those words hit like an oncoming train, and he a loner traversing the tracks. His gut twisted, grew cold with a sinking dread. Selby was right, but there was more to the story than what appeared. It was the tabby's fault Selby was even here instead of with his parents where he should be, somewhere far, far from Tanglewood, but instead, he had left a bloody mess in his wake. "Y-yeah," he stammered, visibly nervous.
He was hiding something, and it was eating him alive.
"That's- that's a nice bracelet."
Re: sometimes i get believin’ ( p - selby roux ! - 05-13-2019
[align=center][div style="width: 51%; text-align: justify; font-size: 10pt; letter-spacing: -1px; font-family: georgia;"]Selby felt his father stiffen at his words, and he released Crow with confusion. Why had that set him off? Bad memories of his parents? Had he seen them meet their end? Had they been awful? He itched to ask, but told himself that this was not quite the right time.
He watched Crow curiously. Is he okay? He seems anxious... Crow apparently seemed to notice the bracelet— he’s changing the subject, his mind told him. Selby decided it best to follow Crow’s lead. They wouldn’t get anywhere if his father could barely stand from the nerves.
”I, erm, thanks,” Selby replied after a moment’s pause, ignoring the itching crawl up his back begging him to deflect the compliment. ”I made it for you,” he said again, feeling a bit lame.
Why was it so hard to carry a conversation? Selby was introverted, sure, but he didn’t think himself a poor conversationalist. Crow, though, had never been talkative that he could remember. His father had usually just watched on as Pastel and him talked amongst themselves about worms or whatever had plagued their interests that day. I’ll just give him more to go off of, he thought determinedly.
”I made one for Pas too, but I haven’t seen her around so much. I hope she’s okay,” he began, before realizing that Crow’s relationship with Pastel might be sore spot as well.
Quickly, he ran through other ideas in his head. Plants? Important to him, but not likely interesting to Crow. Books? He hadn’t read anything good lately. Pastel? Probably not. His parents? Definitely not. Morgan leaving? No. This is harder than I thought it would be...
Tentatively, he continued on the path of beadwork. ”I’ve been practicing a lot with more intricate patterns. If you don’t like that one, I could swap it out for you if you want.”