malphas was scarred. both physically and mentally. his body was riddled with scars, but the most obvious was hidden under the long socks he put on his back legs. on his left back leg, there were terrifying deep teeth marks, but the didn't come from an animal. they were from the bear trap he had stepped in that fateful day. in his mind, though- there were so many more. every time he tried to sleep, he revisited them. the hyenas torturing hati. nayru going missing. the building collapsing on iota. being a medic was difficult. he was responsible for this clan. beck was the judge, morgan was the jury, and he was the executioner. he hadn't killed anyone yet, but he was terrified of messing up.

there was so much pressure, and no relief. iota and mira weren't around much, putting much of the work on him, and it crushed him like that debris crushed iota. he had so many enemies and so little friends. when he thought the nightmares were easing up, and he was dedicated to getting better, he threw all his alcohol into the swamp. now, he found himself diving down, surrounded by nothing but murky darkness, reaching to grab something he couldn't see. he couldn't see his future or a way out. he was drowning, unable to breathe. he finally grabbed a bottle with his teeth and swam upwards, paddling to land. he got out, unscrewed the top with his teeth, and drank half of it. he was soaking wet, and cold in the night, and he began to sob.

it was all too much. there was too pressure. he couldn't even stay clean for a fucking week.

tears were rolling down malphas' trembling face, and he was a pathetic mess. he was supposed to be this total asshole who cared about nothing and nobody, but here he was, crying from the stress. he shook, looking up at aya. how could she be nice to him in a time like this? he deserved this. he deserved to rot his liver alone, he deserved to die all by himself. "yeah, i'm a little sad, dad," he spoke back, managing a sad smile, showing some playfulness left in him.

then anima came, and back came the sobs. "n-no, this is fine," he said, looking back to his bottle of vodka. "i don't want to... burden.. anyone else."

then he began to talk about it. "i'm a medic. nobody thinks i should really be a medic, and i'm here anyways. i'm only a medic because my friend inspired me, and now she's probably dead. i'm an asshole because i don't want anyone to get too close, or else i'll lose them. i don't want to lose anyone. i just want to be emotionless, i don't want to care... but i do. i see so much pain, and hurt... and there's only so much i can do. the only comfort i have is my fuckin' addiction. i only swear so much because i-i want to be cool, and-" he was a little drunk, now rambling about his life. "i want to be a good medic. i want to be a good person. but all the good people die. i don't want to die."

malphas stopped crying, listen to aya. "you really think i-i'm good?" he asked, almost scoffing at the fact.
i'm a runaway. from my parents, from my problems. he blinked, wiping away a stray tear as she continued to talk. he liked being called sport - it was a strange feeling, and he was reminded he had no real parental figures. he was just a kid, still. he couldn't even remember their faces, and he couldn't even remember why he had run away. malphas listened to aya, as she described celestial bodies and how loss was a part of life. what stuck was him that he had to deal with the pain to get to the good parts. life had plenty good parts. being with stocking, getting promoted, hearing that he was indeed a good medic... it made him feel good inside.

"you're right." he said to aya, then turned to anima. "ha. alright, fine, you've convinced me," he said, doing the shot quickly and setting it down. "maybe.. i'll make an attempt to be nicer. just to see how it goes. and if it fuckin' sucks, i'll go back to being an ass. good plan." while malphas was tipsy, he spoke with truth- from now on, he'd try to at least be a little bit nicer.

if these two ladies could be nice to him, after all he's done, then he could be nice to other people too.