This was a bad idea.

A very, very bad idea.

Ilijas didn't have a choice though, not if he aimed to be fully accepted by these unruly pirates who he now shared a home with. It was a part of their culture, a tradition that he could not deny simply because of his gentlemanly and reserved nature. He was not above this... just opposed. He had heard of what could happen alone on that island, heard of either the fulfillment of ones wildest desires or the horror of their deepest fears. Admittedly, he was more nervous to face whatever hallucination his mind would present him with. Surely, it'd be about his past, the cocktail of seawater and other unknown substances potent enough to break through the amnesia fogging his mind. Was he ready to face that? Would the full truth finally be revealed to him?

A part of him was reluctant to let go of the blissful ignorance he currently existed within. There was something beautiful about being new and fresh, unburdened by past responsibilities and memories of times too long ago. Perhaps he was overthinking this entire thing though- his memory wouldn't be completely fixed by a hallucination, right? Ilijas knew that his inquiry would only find his answer once he got this over with. It was but a single night... he could handle that. He could handle that. He just needed to be strong; he had to be capable of facing the horrors lurking in his mind. He knew that there were things locked inside of him that were not pretty or noble. He knew that his urges to kill - the urges that he so valiantly suppressed - were not random occurrences. He knew that his advanced skills in fighting had not been learned haphazardly but rather honed over years of dedication. He was a killer trapped in the body of a confused adolescent... was he ready to meet his real self?

[b][color=gray]"Unless I don't encounter anything even remotely similar to that. Such an alternative isn't exactly out of the equation. I'm quite afraid of terrible music and uncultured beings... they very well could haunt me just as well," He mused aloud, a dry chuckle trailing his words. He was very obviously stalling now, chestnut-hued gaze trailed upon the npc and boat that waited ever so patiently for him. Thank goodness he wasn't being pressured onto that thing. It was more of a raft than anything else and he wondered if he should be more afraid of it breaking and him meeting his untimely death at sea. What a true tragedy that would be.

Sighing, he stepped towards the npc, alerting her with a faint nod that finally, he was ready. She returned the gesture before motioning for him to step onto the raft. "Good luck," She extended. He was not dumb enough as to not detect the fear that lined her voice. Someone's entrance ritual had gone poorly, it seems, he observed to himself, hesitantly taking a few steps onto the raft. This was it then. Fantastic. He couldn't wait to suffer for the next twelve hours because ever the pessimist, he knew with certainty that the hallucinations in his future would be anything but pleasant.

At least the ride over was... tolerable. Twilight had all but fallen and the sun was slowly dipping below the horizon, turning the sky into a plethora of brilliant pinks and golds. He appreciated the shades idly, using their beauty as more of a distraction from the inevitable which became more and more his reality as his boat came closer to the shores of the island. He was halfway grateful that the npc didn't speak to him. Rarely was he in a talkative mood but especially so now. He much rather preferred the intimacy he currently shared with his thoughts than whatever false comfort she possibly had to offer him.

Time continued to pass and soon enough, their boat brushed the sandy shores. He watched with intrigued eyes as the npc produced a canteen containing what he could only assume to be the dreaded concoction and presented it to him. "Good luck. I'll be waiting here for you in the morning," She offered as he begrudgingly downed the liquid, fighting his body's compulsive urge to spit it up. It was salty and terrible and made his stomach churn. They already were going to put him through hell... couldn't they make their means of doing so a little sweeter?

He coughed a few times, shuddering now. The npc left him without another word, her form disappearing as night fell. Already his vision appeared to be swimming and Ilijas, dazed, stumbled deeper into the island, attempting to run away from the haunting chill that overwhelmed his handsome form.

[color=red]"Brother. It's been such a long time."

That voice... so clipped... so snide. He knew it as much as he knew its owner- his brother. A name tried to swim to the surface at that realization, his mind desperately attempting to bridge the connection and finally offer Ilijas an answer to at least one of his questions. He fell short though. It always seemed like he was falling short.

[color=gray]"If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results than surely my quest for your salvation has earned me the title of the maddest of men."

That was his voice, clear as day, confident and uncaring. He blinked a few times, unaware of the fact that he was swaying now and staring at the faceless figure who had spoken to him moments before. [color=red]"You're still so pressed about redeeming me, aren't you? When will you accept that I am chaos. I am darkness. You're noble," He paused, his voice trailing off before he could reveal Ilijas' true name, [color=red]"But we're monsters through and through. It runs in our blood. We did it to ourselves. Your children will succumb to the same fate just as mine will. Embrace it brother, let yourself be free."

The world around Ilijas melted then, replaced only by a spacious field and a woman. She did not possess the face from which he held onto so dearly in his mind but there was still something about her, something he knew he loved. A voice rang in his ears though, cold and awful and yet strangely comforting. He felt as if his mother was speaking to him. [color=black]"E... You must feed. You will die if you don't. Do not leave your family behind- always and forever, you must stay together always and forever. Kill her, you have to."

And so he did. With reckless abandon he attacked her, killing her and draining her of her blood. He felt something shift within him, something lock into place. Perhaps it was eternity. Perhaps it was his own damnation for, in that moment, he realized the intensity of his actions. There wasn't just something he knew he loved about her, this had been his betrothed. His lover. His best friend.

And he had killed her.

Gods, he had killed her.

Her lifeless body lay twisted and broken at his paws and tears, hot and angry, fell upon it.

[color=#6b7e99]"E..." A female's voice greeted him, soft spoken but harsh. This was his sister, he knew that much. [color=#6b7e99]"We are not weak. We do not care and we do not feel. Let her go. Let her go now."

The scene gaze way to another one, something domestic, something he halfway hoped to be happy.

[color=#b14767]"Uncle! Uncle!" A girl's voice, one he knew he cared deeply for. He turned to greet the blooming rose, her face blurred by the hallucination but causing a smile nonetheless to appear upon his features. He didn't know why he felt happiness in seeing her, especially not after the murder he had just committed, but he was too far under the affects of the potion to know any difference. [color=gray]"Dulcis Margarita, what is it?" he greeted in response, not before being tackled by a hug. He hesitantly returned it, not much of a fan of physical contact but humoring his niece nevertheless. [color=#b14767]"I've been married and I have a daughter too! Three of them actually, it's a complicated situation, uncle, but I'm sure you understand- our family practically invented complication situations. Anyways, their names are Lil, Eli, and Lissa. You'll have to meet them one day, and my wife, Suiteheart too. Perhaps you can bring Aunt Em as well? I miss her!" The fae chatted happily, young and in love and terribly, terribly naive. Despite his amnesia, he still saw his brother's bride in her- an optimist who had once been unstained by darkness. How terrible it was to know that this girl no longer communicated with either of her parents.

How terrible to know that neither did he.

[color=#b14767]"Uncle! Uncle! Why aren't you responding?" He opened his mouth to, but his words betrayed him and his silence ruled. His niece began to fade. [color=#b14767]"Don't leave me... You aren't selfish like them. You aren't a monster like them. I know it!" There was a pause, one that felt like a millennia. Ilijas held his breath. [color=#b14767]"Maybe I was wrong about you. You don't care about anybody but her. You're just like mother... you're just like father. You're awful."

[color=gray]"This facade... this illusion that I have created over the course of my life. It's nothing but a lie. The noble stag. The noble brother. The gentleman. I am just as vile as you brother, if not more so. Perhaps we are both beyond redemption. Perhaps my pursuit of your own absolution has only been a distraction from the fact that I'm damned. That you, mother, father, all of ours sisters and brothers, and all of our children are damned. We're fools to think otherwise."

The words dripped from his lips with such malice, aimed at the form of his brother whom had once again reappeared before him. There was something dangerous about him this time though, something that even succeeded in putting Ilijas on edge.

[color=red]"I'm warning you-"

[color=gray]"No, I'm warning you. You have killed and enjoyed life as you pleased as I trailed you and cleaned up your messes. You have left behind your children. You have devastated your wife. And you have broken this family. I'm done. No longer will I have faith in you or even myself. Goodb-"

Ilijas wasn't permitted to finish, not before the dagger was thrust into his chest. He gasped for breath, struggling to fight the darkness that suddenly assaulted his vision. It was to no avail. His bengal form would first stagger before crashing into the ground, a final struggle transpiring before he fell still.

And then, Ilijas woke up.

The sun was shining brilliantly and somewhere in the distance, birds chirped. He blinked a few times, trying to first collect his thoughts before regaining his composure. Was that... it?

So much had happened throughout the course of the night and Ilijas, groggy and nauseous didn't know where to begin. Obviously his deepest fears originated from both his family and himself, but why did he relive those key moments in his life? What were their significance? He scoured his mind for any fleeting detail, halfway wishing for at least one more swig of the god awful substance that forced him to recollect such terrible things simply to answers the questions that had yet to be addressed. There had to be more to the story... especially with his faceless, nameless family.

He didn't to stay on this island any longer, especially not with the promise of that npc bringing him home. He quickly found her, not so much as even extending a greeting in her direction before stepping onto the boat. It wasn't long before he was home or, well, on familiar soil. He took one step onto it before crashing, fatigue, hunger, and sickness suddenly getting the best of him. Ilijas felt as if he was about to pass out his vision swimming around him just as it had done before the hallucinations began. This was different though... the only thing that would greet him would be darkness if he wasn't treated.

[color=gray]"Help..."

Was all the male could manage.

(2038 words,,, whew am i tired. it'd be cool if you read the whole thing but if you don't, that's totally understandable!!
anyways tl;dr
- ilijas contemplates the tradition a bit and goes through the things he's essentially worried about
- he experiences hallucinations about his family and essentially the massive shit storm of drama that surrounds them
- in his hallucination, he encounters his brother, his niece, his mother, his previous lover, his sister, and his old self
- he relives his murder of his former lover
- he laments... a lot
- finally, his brother sinks a dagger in his chest which ends the hallucinations
- ili wakes up, goes home, and is now about to pass out from fatigue and nausea

also it's 1:18am and i didn't edit and proofread as thoroughly as i usually do so apologies for that)