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Pressure. It was a constant in Roan's life, and something that he had gradually grown used to, over time. Gone were the days of his childhood, where he broke down at the slightest signs of trouble – his little stint in The Pitt being a prime example of this. Now, he had learned to deal with the pressure, and the anxieties that lingered within his mind. Not in a healthy way, really. Rather, he had simply learned how to push it all down, leaving it simmering lightly beneath the surface of his cream colored pelt. It presented itself in small ways, like how his eyes would darken momentarily as he scanned over a patient's wounds, or the slight tremble in his paws as he went to work sorting herbs. It was as if he had a constant case of pins and needles, gripping his body and soul and holding both numb as he pushed himself forward, unwilling to look back. Deep down he knew it wasn't the right way to handle things, but it was the only way he really had. If he shut down, if he tried to take time for himself... that was just more time for someone else to be hurt. Goldie and Sea were around, yes, but... they both had lives of their own, as well. They couldn't dedicate themselves fully to medicine at the moment, which meant that he was the only one left who could.

It didn't help that the past few weeks had been especially stressful for the medic, piling on incident after incident, ripping away the rare moments of relaxation he did get. Quite a few of the incidents could be blamed on Caesar, and the medic couldn't deny that he had felt some satisfaction in tearing the other's eye from its socket. Well... a great deal of satisfaction, actually. Unfortunately, it did little to clear the mountains of work piled atop his shoulders, leaving him exhausted and with barely any time to himself. He tried not to let it affect him, or at least to make it seem like it wasn't. He kept up with his daily routines, going out during the day to keep an eye out for any potential injuries, as well as searching for herbs. Spending the morning within the temple checking on the patients that were still there, and providing them with any treatment that they needed. Spending the evenings in the tavern, having a drink or two while playing a few rounds of cards. It was all... normal, at least for him. Still, he could tell that the stress was getting worse. The feeling of pins and needles was growing more and more ever-present, and he found himself needing to unclench his jaw more often than not. Some others had even started to notice, shooting worried glances in his direction as he passed.

His birthday was ultimately what came to be the breaking point, at least this time. He wasn't quite two years old yet, but he was approaching it rather rapidly, he had to admit. Even though he was only 19 months, he couldn't deny that he felt so much older thanks to all the work that he had done over his relatively short lifespan. Part of it made him proud, but... a larger part of it just made him exhausted. He had chosen to pursue a job as medic because he wanted to help others, and he was technically doing that, but... would there ever be a light at the end of the tunnel? Would things ever truly calm down? Would he ever really be free of patching the gaping wounds of those he cared for? These were the first thoughts that lingered in his mind as he woke up that morning, immediately not feeling like much of a celebration. Nevertheless, he knew that some others would remember – namely his mother, and Diya. He didn't want to worry them, and yet he found himself unable to settle the torrent of emotions within him this time. His paws were faintly shaking as he rose from his bed, a shuddering breath leaving his lungs as he slipped out of the temple. It was still very early as his paws pressed against the cool stone beneath him, the sun having barely risen above the horizon. Many would still be asleep, and he knew that. It was actually a good thing, considering he could feel the sting of distraught and furious tears in his eyes.

The walk to the cliff the lighthouse sat on was a long and silent one, but Roan was glad for that. It gave him time to think, and time to swallow back the thick lump in his throat, forcing the tears down with a huff. Once he did actually reach the towering structure, he merely stared up at it, wondering why he had even come. Really, he had no business he needed to get done at the lighthouse. No books to read, no others to visit... he had just been letting his paws carry him, all the way to here. A soft grumble left him as he moved to the edge of the cliff, sitting down and letting his tail fall over his paws. As he did so, he muttered into the emptiness of the cool morning air, "This is never going to get easier." He kept thinking, over and over again, that it would somehow. Before, he had even thought that things were slowing down. After all, there hadn't been many injuries for a while there, with the only things that had cropped up being relatively minor. Unfortunately, it seemed as though that had only been a rare period of peace. Nothing permanent. It would never be permanent, and that seemed heartbreakingly clear to him now.

With another soft huff leaving him, the soothsayer's claws curled loosely at the rock beneath him. Far below, the sea struck out at the stone and sand, and suddenly everything felt so loud to Roan. Things had been building up for a while now, and he knew it. There was no reason not to let loose... not when barely anyone was up, and he was so far away. So, feeling the uncomfortably familiar sting of tears in his eyes once again, the siamese took in a deep breath. He then let it out, screaming with all the force that his lungs could muster, "Why?! What the fuck is the point? Why is it that whenever things seem better, everything always comes crumbling down? I've been on this fucking planet for almost two years now, and yet everything still just repeats! It's just a constant fucking cycle, and I... and I..." As he continued to shout, he could feel rage and sorrow and exhaustion all mixing in his stomach, gripping his chest in a cold embrace. The tears he had been holding back now freely stained his fur as he let out his final scream, wings stretching open as he did so, "And I can't fucking take it! I can't take everyone getting hurt OVER AND OVER AGAIN!" His voice echoed out over the cliffside, carried on the wind and the waves before him. The freezing grip within his chest only seemed to get sharper, and so much worse.

He couldn't take the feeling much longer. So, he didn't. He just... let loose. With another shout – this one without words, simply a cry of anguish and frustration – Roan felt his elementals spring to life. The sky in front of him was suddenly filled with the harsh flash of a bolt of lightning, arcing downwards and slamming into the sea below. Only half a second later, it was followed by the frightening crash of thunder, causing the medic to gasp and fall back slightly. As the lightning strike dissipated over the surface of the ocean below, Roan found himself taking in gasping pants of air. The ice cold feeling within his chest was gone, but it was instead replaced with a raw feeling of exhaustion, filling his entire body. That was no doubt in large part due to the use of his lightning elementals, however. On shaky legs, the soothsayer found himself peeking over the edge of the cliff, staring downwards to make sure that he hadn't hurt anyone. Thankfully, it didn't seem as thought the lightning strike had caused too much damage. No destroyed or charred boats lurked below him, and the only sign that the strike had even happened were a few dead fish that had been unlucky enough to be swimming near the surface.

Not quite feeling up to returning to the temple just yet, Roan backed a bit away from the edge of the cliff, practically collapsing into a laying down position. His tail curled casually near his side, his breathing eventually slowing down to normal once more. As he looked out over the sea, he found himself muttering in a monotone voice, "That should last me at least another month, I suppose." He knew his methods weren't the healthiest. Shoving everything down and then letting it all out in one potentially dangerous screaming match with the ocean was hardly something that anyone could call healthy. Still, it kept the young medic going better than anything else he had tried had. So for now, he found himself content – if incredibly exhausted. With a faint sigh leaving him, the feline placed his chin down against the stone beneath him, closing his eyes and waiting for his energy to return. He doubted that anyone would come out so far just to look for him.

( just pretend this was posted on the 5th since that was his actual birthday shhh )