IM JUST A SOUL WHOSE INTENTIONS ARE GOOD -
♕tags-powers♕


He wasn’t really nocturnal, although he often found sweet sanctuary in the blanket of darkness... the night brought comfort to the jaguar. Priceless comfort that he couldn’t go without. Often he would stay up in the night and barely get rest. He couldn’t shut off his mind. Then he would suddenly feel awake just as the sun would rise. Duty called and most of his members were active during daytime, therefore he had to be awake.

It was taking a toll but it wasn’t anything he was used to. He had never had a solid night of rest until Bai Shi had come along. Yet even that was snatched from him. But he had gone his whole life unable to fully relax and just let go into total unconsciousness. Nowadays he was too terrified to even do that because it felt too similar to the stillness of death. He feared that he would not wake up. So often he slept as lightly as he treaded. Maybe it was sleep deprivation but Kydobi was slowly reaching another low point in his life. Similar to his depressed state under Jervis’ reign. The worst part, where all the victims screams would haunt him and the rancid smell of their blood would sour his stomach. The vivid visions of their visceral reaction to the torture they were forced to go under.

No. Kydobi stop. He would shake his head as he walked through the dead jungle as if that would shake it all away. The burned corpses of trees loomed above him in the obscure hours of twilight. He tried to ignore the shadows of them, his mind could play tricks if he let it wander so freely. He might let it slip through and not be able to gather it back again from the dark corners he would much rather ignore.

But dear god it got so exhausting having to hold it all together. He had to hold everything together. Put everyone before him, keep the group together even though he couldn’t even do the same for himself.

As he reached the farthest part of the territory he was beginning to feel even more inadequate. Would he ever be enough? It was such a scary thought, that life for him was this hopeless pursuit of something to fill that void. A void created in his youth, the world whipped him into shape. Gave him the tools to survive but not the tools to heal. How could he rule? How could he rebuild the Pitt if he couldn’t even fix himself? Separate them from their sinister history when he himself was stuck in the past? Yet he couldn’t throw the burden all into Gael. He doubted the fox would rule as faithfully as he could, the vulpine did everything for his daughter. Which was understandable but the more Kydobi watched Gael the more he felt like he was an incompetent father. How many children did he have? Yet he only spoke to one? One that died. One that miraculously came back and still Kydobi felt like he wasn’t doing enough.

But he was trying. Trying to so very hard to thoroughly tend to every aspect of his life. Everybody needed him. Needed him there and here and near and far. He tried so hard to keep everyone equal. Although it felt like some were neglected. His children? He didn’t know how to be a dad. All you had to do was love them unconditionally right? Kydobi did that. Didn’t feel enough.

Aimlessly he would pace through the ruins of the city. Another reminder of the world around him. It seemed even in his attempts to escape reality he was forced again and again to think of a problem. He wasn’t trying to ignore them. But he needed a moment to just... relax. As best he could.

Night made him feel a little safer because it was harder for him to be seen. It was so easy to pass as a stealthy shadow among such shade. That was how Kydobi liked to live life, never noticed. Free to live day to day as he pleased but he was suddenly thrusted into the spotlight. The panther preferred absolute oblivion, where no moon and no stars would invade his safety. It was funny, because he feared that conscious darkness of death he had experienced. He was aware of this too, but he didn’t dwell on it too much for fear he would ruin this as well.

Finally he would rest atop of ruined tower, half of the dome crowning the building had caved in. He was bathed in blue moonlight. The stone and grit would dust his dark pelt as he laid down on his stomach. Settling into the ground he would close his eyes as if sunbathing. For a moment he looked at total peace before his mask cracked and his brows crinkled. In a moment his frown turned into a grimace as he began to cry. Blacks tears would drip and then begin to stream down his face and Pool onto the floor.

He couldn’t be so stoic all the time. As he laid there sobbing everything was rushing and hitting. Goldie. Piers. The state of the Pitt. You have to fix it Kydobi. Fix it all. you cant  make everyone happy. Weren’t good enough for you mother. Not enough for them. Second choice. Not enough for Bai. Children you can’t raise. Do they know you? Enemies everywhere. They don’t see. Why are you trying. Stop. Leave. Runaway. Forget it all start again. But that’s a coward’s move. Everything is falling apart.

He was putting everything! Everything!! Into this group. He was trying to hard so fucking hard to repair it all. Damage he hadn’t caused but was forced to deal with. All the things he wanted he somehow missed his chance at getting. There was no goal to keep him going tomorrow. Everyday was monotonous. There was distractions throughout daylight but that deep heavy weight in his chest took over his whole being and he was always aware of it.

Eating at him everyday.

Haunting every night.


Kydobi had everything he had desired. But it was like he got if from some fucked up genie. As you wish but not quite how you wanted! He had the throne but everything was on the brink of crumbling down. He had his children but he didn’t know half of them and his son was damaged. He didn’t have that family. He had had love. Had not have. They wanted another. He was surrounded by people who looked up to him. But if they knew him as he knew himself... he doubted they would be so trusting. He was a fraud and a failure.

A fucking fraud.

Nothing he did worked. Perhaps he was damned. This black pelt he so proudly groomed and used to his physical advantage.... perhaps it was proof he was a walking curse. Spreading his ill fate to those around him like some type of swarm of locusts. Everything around him was sucked and exploited one way or another. It was so frustrating. It began to feel like he was in limbo. He wanted to murder and kill now.

He would growl and just yell with all his might. Vocal chords would strain and end with a rough scratchy tone. Did he feel better?

No wait... now he wanted to lay there and just not feel anything.

There wasn’t a release... never. He could only push away his problems behind that dam holding in his emotions. Sure it was slightly spill over and cause breakdowns like this.. but that dam never broke and gave in.

The tears would slow but never did they stop. His glowing hues would stare into the sky emptily. This.. this was the closest thing to peace he could get. The calm. The numbness. His mind would clear for a moment. Before he sighed, he had accepted it. It felt like minutes but he couldn’t tell how long he laid there awake.

The sky was beginning to lighten.

One last sigh and he would groom his face. Removing any evidence of what had happened.

When he was done he would make his way back to the main camp. There was things to do.