[shadow=darkblue,right]KILLUA[/shadow]

(Sorry this took so long to make! AAAAA I hoep this is okay! [member=215]london r.[/member] [member=163]array[/member] )

Happiness was not an emotion that Killua felt very often, especially after living the mansion that he had been born in. One would think that living such a hellhole, anything would be better than that. But ultimately he became surrounded by those that would do nothing but scold him and piss him off. There had been plenty of points when he first joined the clans that he thought about leaving and going back to that damned place again. Just to be able to get away from the idiots that he was surrounded by. Everyone that looked toward him knew that he probably didn't belong in a place like this, and they were absolutely right. But what they didn't know was that he was secretly trying to figure out a way to fit into a clan. The issue with Killua though was that he looked everything too logically. Why would a clanner react this way and this way makes more sense? Why do clanners trust each other so much to tell them each other secrets after they've seen each other twice? Sometimes Killua would just come to the conclusion that all of them were idiots without really giving it any second thought to figure out the reason why they did what they did. He knew that if he asked them the question, they would probably look at him like he was some freak and then struggle to formulate an answer that would satisfy what he was asking for. There was one instance though that he was able to see how a group caring for someone that they didn't even really know could come a long way. He had decided to live in a second clan, one where he ended up meeting his adopted sister, and he traveled from one clan to the next quite often. The assassin was interested in the other group because there seemed to be interesting personalities that lived there and ones that could get along with, with his teasing. It was on his way there though, that he came across someone that was starting to bleed to death. The animal was a domestic cat and looked similar to him with regard to age. At this point, there was still no one around to teach him what morals actually meant and what should and shouldn't be killed at the first sight. Killua had stood over the other apprentice, gauging the other's wounds to see whether or not the other would survive the wounds that had been given to him. Killua realized that the other most likely wouldn't survive, so it would be best just to put him out of his misery. Killua had been prepared to kill the other, and almost had gotten the chance to if it hadn't been for the clan leader nearby to come and stop him from doing so. It pissed Killua off why the other thought that he could save someone like that. Killua starting spitting out logical fact toward the other. Using any of their healing resources on someone that was bound to die anyone would be a waste. There was no point in doing something like that. Killua ended up attacking the clan leader that he had started to think fo him becoming his friend. Then Circusclown, the animal he had ended up fighting, gave him a lecture of one that he had never forgotten. Life was hard, and everyone was going to die eventually, but he didn't have to the right to dictate how their life should end, just like how he believed that his family couldn't control how he wanted to live his life, assassin or not. That part of it made sense, and the maine coon had even gone to say that everyone had a right to live and to get a second chance. Killua didn't realize how important life actually was until that very point, and he felt nothing but guilt and disgust for what he had been about to do.

They just wanted to help someone, and that was because it was the right thing to do instead of ending their life like an injured horse that couldn't do its work anymore. Killua had a lot to learn when it came to him and the clans, and finally, the assassin had opted to help the other out with healing the other's injuries. Which was all possible thanks to his conjuration and nothing else. Killua cherished the moments that he had with that clan leader, to the point that maybe he had even looked at him as some sort of father figure. Even if they were almost always at each other's throats with the constant challenges that hey spouted toward one another. They were similar, and yet they were different toward one another. Then for once, it wasn't his family that had dealt him the short straw to kill Circusclown when the other meant so much to him. Instead, the clan leader had opted to take his own life, a moment that Killua would never forget and secretly mourn other. He doubted other's realized how important that the other male had ended up being toward him, as he taught him valuable lessons of life. He had wanted to repay the bastard some way or another, and he would never have a chance. Before he did, the bastard had left him a bag of candy just for him, knowing exactly how addicted the assassin was when it came to the candy. Killua refused to eat any of the candy in the bag, fearing that if he did he would forget who the other was. Besides, he had already forgotten a large portion of his life based on what the female had said, the one that he ended up meeting in the Typhoon. Telling him a story about something that he couldn't remember, that most likely his family could have possibly gotten rid of. What else had they done to his mind that he didn't know about? It frustrated the young assassin to no end, and not only that, it made him afraid of his family. They were smarter than he had originally thought. They could read him like a book and there was no way for him to fully escape from their clutches. Especially after what had just happened on the border where he had murdered two animals in cold blood just because his body had wanted to. That couldn't have been him that had done it. Usually, he had control over what his next action was, but this time he couldn't get his body to move. Killua left the scene seconds later after everyone had appeared, saying that it was all self-defense. Lying as if it was next best thing in the world. On his way back toward where he lived, which wasn't the camp that everyone else lived in, he nearly had a panic attack of what he had just done. Killua having been on a clean streak of not killing someone for over three months now. All the work he had done to make sure that didn't happen, wasted. A heavy sigh escaped the deputies jaws as he was sitting in a clearing in the pine forest that made up the majority of the territory. It was late at night, and he couldn't sleep. More like he didn't want to sleep. The cold of the night didn't really affect him all that much, and his ears flicked back and forth as he listened on to the silence as a couple snowflakes would fall from the trees. The sky was clear though. He noticed the stars that were above them and knew nothing about him. He knew that some groups believed that their ancestors lived in the stars. He wasn't naive to believe those sorts of fairy tales. Killua wasn't alone while he was sitting there though, as there seemed to be something moving around his neck. Few knew that he actually had a companion, a companion that he had been avoiding for obvious reasons as to not injure the other. The albino black mamba blended in almost perfectly around his neck, until the other started to move. Koru was extremely important to Killua, at least for the time being. The other was the only one that he could turn and talk to as he did. Bandages were wrapped around his left shoulder and torso to hide the stitches that had pierced his skin when he fixed himself up. The reptile didn't seem to be all that much bothered by the cold while he seeped away Killua's body heat. Killua didn't care what the snake did honestly. All that he knew in his heart and gut, as that he felt lonely. Isolated. Whatever his brother had tried to make him feel by killing those animals, had certainly worked. His jaw clenched as he continued to look up into the sky. Maybe there was a possible answer for what he could do next. Something. ANYTHING. He was at a standstill and he felt like he was drowning in his own emotions.

snowbound -- snowseeker -- male -- 8 moons

[shadow=darkblue,right]KILLUA[/shadow]

(Heck I love these two so much!)

Killua still didn't know. What was the definition of what a friend was? He knew that if he really wanted to know he could just conjure up a dictionary and look it up for the first time. What would be the fun in that though? The assassin had somewhat wanted to figure it out himself and figure out why friends were so important to one's well being. Despite most of the animals that lived in Snowbound and other groups weren't exactly pack animals, but they still enjoyed each other's company. Maybe because they were sentient enough that they didn't have to worry about the likes of them being territorial with one another. Considering his body weight and size, if he wasn't sentient, he would probably be afraid of any carnivore that came toward him if he was to react like a feral animal. He would have known that he could outrun most animals that he ended up coming across, but that didn't mean he couldn't slip and enter into someone's trap. This wasn't how the world really worked anymore, and it was interesting to see how certain species regarded one another. He wasn't the largest, and most probably didn't consider himself all that much a threat specifically because of that. Not like it would matter in the end if he ended up getting into a fight. What would those that live in Snowbound think of him if he showed them how to take down a dragon? The issue with that though was that he had yet to really see anything that could be remotely classified as a dragon in a group like this. Which was understandable as the groups were just starting themselves off. Even if it had been almost a month since he had actually joined this place like this. Had it really gone that fast? Killua felt like he had only been living in the territory for at least a week at this point with how slow everything was going. Well, to others it may feel as if everything was going far too fast for their liking, especially with the issue with the Typhoon and Killua having to deal with the female that seemed interested in him from the Typhoon. Part of him wanted to avoid the canine while he was drawn toward her for some sort of answers for what he really was. He wasn't quite sure what he could classify himself all that much anymore. What he did know was how lonely he was compared to those that lived in the clans. He had been around them long enough to figure out who they may consider being friends. Most animals would interact with each other in a certain way, talking about how their day went and what they should do for the rest of the day. They didn't seem at all troubled by the issues that were presented around them and continued on with themselves for quite a while. There had been several instances that he had been in the first clan that he was stationed in, and he was capable of hearing several conversations pop up from the groups.

The assassin listened to two animals as they told each other secrets, and vented to one another by their problems. He had followed two friends for a majority of his times there, watching how close they ended up bonding with one another over the time that passed through the place. Killua still was confused as to how others were willing to go to those lengths to be close to someone, and the feelings were often mutual from one another. Killua didn't think he had anyone that would consider being his friend no matter how long he had ended up being in the clans. Except for Amorette, but that was his adopted sister. Circusclown didn't count because the former leader was more of a father figure and more of a mentor than anyone else could have possibly been. Did anyone even try to think of him as someone that could be considered a friend? The assassin wasn't exactly the most approachable kind of person that someone could end up walking up to have a friendly conversation. Especially if he was bored, Killua would just find someone else to talk to, to occupy his time instead of having it wasted by someone that worth the energy. Despite this, he was trying. He didn't want to completely change himself to fit the likes of the clan. If he really wanted to, he could make everyone in Snowbound love him and think that he was the kindest person that they had ever come across. It wasn't hard to fake his own emotions, he had been doing that since he was practically a kitten and since he could practically walk. It wasn't a struggle that he was constantly dealing with and a struggle that his family wanted to make sure that he wouldn't forget for a very long time. Killua was actually naive when it came to the topic of friends. Killua didn't have enough personal experience when it came to interacting with others here and there. He had no idea how to calm other's down when they were in distress. No one in his family had trained him for something like that after all. He was just a mindless killer that didn't have the thought of seeking out friends. Killua wasn't going to believe that he was a friend to anyone until they literally said the word to his face. The albino serval had too much doubt about himself that he didn't think that someone would think of him as a friend from first glance. Most of the actions that he did in the clan were out of his own benefit instead of the benefit of others. He wasn't the potential saint like they thought of him, he wasn't here to be their bodyguard and if they got hurt that was on them. Unless the creature that did attack ended up pissing him off which had been why he had gotten involved when Guru had nearly killed London that day. Killua wasn't exactly sure what to make of London right now. She was extremely nice, and that made him wary of her. How much could she have seen during his childhood? She was a great help though considering that she was always around. Could she be someone that he could end up relying on?

But she would think of him a monster. He saw the way she had looked at the corpses that had started appearing on the border recently. She would be disgusted with him, and there was nothing he could do to try and stop and stop his thoughts from plaguing his mind. Why couldn't he just shut himself up? The other had been pretty smart not to try and sneak up on him after a day after what he had done. He was on edge after that had happened, but not because he had killed others, but because of his brother and how the other constantly plagued his night. Would there ever be a time that Killua could actually get a good nights sleep? He slept alone so that no one could hear his screaming when he woke up in a cave that was disconnected from the main camp. Several yards away. Especially with the way he was so deep in thought, his body probably wouldn't have reacted toward the female if she hadn't made any sort of noise. Killua didn't blame London for what had ever happened to him. While he was looking up at the cloudless sky, there was a noise in the distance. He ignored it for a little bit until the noise started to grow louder. The noise that was being made honestly seemed to calm the assassin a little bit as he closed his eye and listened to the toon. He didn't really listen to any sort of toons or music, but humming was good enough in his mind. But wait, if the humming was getting louder it just meant that someone was coming toward him. He raised one of his paws and adjusted the bandages that wrapped around his left shoulder, getting up from sitting position as he turned to look in the direction that the humming was coming from. Their white coats blended in perfectly with the way that the territory was laid out, but their fur didn't blend in with the pine trees that littered the territory. Did he trust himself around a female that could die from a simple scratch? He was about to find out. He offered the other a small grin from his jaws, but it was obvious from his eyes that he was tired. "Yo London." The assassin greeted the larger wildcat calmly. The other being older than him, and a low chuckle escaped his jaws as he raised one of his white arms to gesture with it. "You know you don't have to be so formal with me right? You're even older than me." He wouldn't make her stop if she didn't want to though. He had no reason to try and hold his position over her head, part of him wanting to be looked at as an equal of those that were in the clans, but could also be dangerous if something bad happened. What was London doing out so late though? Killua kept his mouth shut in order to keep from asking the question. It was then when he started to inhale the scents in the air, the body language that showed that he was relaxed almost seemed to have melted. He hadn't touched any candy in the span of the coming days due to his rising anxiety and fear of his father. A low 'hmm' rumbled in his throat at the smell of chocolate wafted in the air, coming from the direction that London was in. Then the other asked him if he wanted some hot chocolate. He had hoped that was what he had been smelling. "How could anyone turn out an offer like that." Killua stated with the grin spread across his maw as he made his way toward the taller female. He seemed to be in a good mood despite what had just happened, but there weren't emotions that he was showing others when he interacted with them. Killua sat down a little bit in front of the fellow albino before speaking out again. "It's kind of random isn't it to have hot chocolate in the middle of the night? Is there a special occasion or something?' Killua questioned in a casual tone. He had remembered how the other apologized for not being there for him. He didn't blame her. He could never blame her.

snowbound -- snowseeker -- male -- 8 moons

[shadow=darkblue,right]KILLUA[/shadow]

Friends were pointless. They weren't needed to complete the likes of a mission. They were only there to be used a distraction from the true goal that they had for in life. They were there to try and gather information on the creature that they were talking to only to stab them in the back. No one in this world could be trusted with any type of information that they could gather from a member of the Zoldyck family. They were extremely important because their perfection wasn't presented to themselves when they were born, they had to work up to that tier of being an elite assassin. Not an easy feat to do when there were several other groups in the area that were willing to do the same thing in order to make sure that they would have a legacy to pass on in the future. These were the words that had been spoken to Killua at a very young age. Having grown up around a family that completely smothered him with their suffocating affection, he had no room to think for himself. Before he could even remotely start asking other's questions, they would immediately answer them for him as if they knew what he was already thinking about and knew exactly how he was going to react. He saw the way that these 'friends' interacted with one another in the clans considering the fact that they would let their feelings out to one another. To Killua back in the day that would have expressed weakness to the other animal and that the animal they were talking to could exploit that weakness. Or if someone grew a grudge against them, one of them could potentially be captured and then one of them could be tortured for information. Most of the animals that lived in the clans weren't used to the aspect of tortures and would probably break pretty easily. At least the methods that he often used when it came to torturing others. Making sure to at least make wounds that were extremely painful, but not any of them that could kill the creature from either blood loss or through trauma. He was a lethal machine, and that had been what his family hoped to create when he was just a kitten. They had gone about raising Killua the wrong way though, as not all of their teachings were committed to memory, and if they were there was often doubt that he felt about them as well. The animals were still willing to go through so much in order to protect their so called friends. Could he put his life on a line for a friend? Well, he didn't want to betray his friend like his brother had constantly lectured to him about. However, he had already done it once before because of a simple order that had been given to him. Killua did have a friend once, at least what he looked back and could be considered to be a friend anyway. He had found a puppy on the Zoldyck estate, the mountain that they lived on. The husky seemed to be lost and not in very good condition. He was only a kitten when he spotted the canine, and decided to bring the other home with him without a second though. He approached his father asking him whether or not he could keep the canine with him while he continued to do his assassination training here and there.

Killua had been given approval by the head of the family and that's all that mattered to him no matter how much his obsessed mother tried to drag the dog away from him. He didn't care. The assassin was able to wind down with the canine and actually tell the other's stories. Teaching the other to speak, and actually helping the other to speak all of the names of the Zoldyck family as practice. In the household, most of them spoke Japanese instead of English, and so that was language that he ended up teaching the dog. While he was nearing an apprentice age though, the wildcat had been instructed to bring the husky to his father's quarters as well with himself. Killua had greatly enjoyed his time with the other, as it allowed him to act like a kid while for a large portion of his life he was treated as an adult. Which was a good and bad thing to the kitten. His family was cruel though, not bothering to take into consideration what Killua himself wanted. Killua didn't know any different though, and with him being so young he had no right to try and argue against his parents or their teachings. Where else would he go? He didn't exactly have relatives that he could live with until the tide of his family receeded and he could live the life that he wanted to. It was impossible. They could track him down wherever he went so there was no point in trying to hide either. When Killua and his only friend had made it to his father's quarters, Killua had entered with a smile on his face. Killua had exited his father's quarters around thirty minutes later with no emotion spread on his face and blood on his cheek. Blood dripped from his paws down onto the ground as he walked, and his eyes almost made it seem like he was an empty husk. Killua had been given two options. To kill his friend, and if he refused then his older brother would kill the puppy in front of him. Killua had lost track of time on how many times he had begged his father to do anything else. Torture him for longer than the last session that he went through. Take a body part that was attached to him, but anything but taking away his friend. His father wouldn't budge, and his attention had been drawn to the black tiger that was his brother. Killua knew his brother probably better than the rest of his family as Illumi had been the one that had been training him up to this point. Illumi would torture the puppy for several hours on end, keeping him alive just barely so that Killua would learn his lesson about mercy. While if he did it, he would be able to end the pup's life quickly. Considering the limited extent of the pup's training when it came to learning the Japanese language, the other had no idea what he was talking about. Tears had streamed down the serval kitten's face when he had finally turned to look at his friend. The husky looking at him with excitement and a happy expression. The puppy soon figured out that there was something wrong with Killua with the look that he wore on his face, and the other called out his name. Killua broke then and there as he felt his claws sink into the throat of the canine, and he used his paws to snap the neck of the young pup.

That had been the last thing that his friend had said to him, and it was his own name. This meant that there was always a spark of fear that Killua had when it came to the thought of making friends. Would he kill them just like his brother Illumi had told him he would? Would they even want to be friends when he told them the truth? Killua wasn't exactly sure how to answer those questions, and the fear that constantly rotted him away kept him from really trying. Instead, he pushed other's away from him so that they wouldn't get too close and end up dead or severely injured. He was trying. God he was trying so hard and yet when he took a step forward he was always forced several steps back. Nothing ever went his way. Killua was looking at the albino clouded leopard after he spoke first and noticed the confused look that was on her face. Well, he had certainly never expected that before. The other probably had never been taught that there was a simple way to interact with someone and then there was a formal way. Killua rarely ever spoke in a formal matter, whether it was to get on other's nerves or for his own enjoyment he wasn't quite sure himself. He would offer the other an appreciating grin though when she called him by his name without attaching an honorific to the front of it. "The way it usually goes is that either calling someone 'Mister' or 'Ma'am' is being formal and highly respectful to them. But it's entirely up to you how you really want to address others honestly. I usually don't really go the formal route." Killua stated with a shrug of his shoulders. It had never really been his way of talking, but that didn't mean he didn't know how to address others with respect. He could speak formally if he wanted to, but he felt odd when he did it as if he was trying to win over someone's approval. His sapphire blue optics looked at the mug that was pushed toward him, glad that it was in a nice container that he couldn't break all that easily like plastic. He almost seemed to expertly use his paws, using his metal claws as leverage for the handle as he lifted it up to his mouth. He didn't seem to mind the temperature of the chocolate, the cold of the night having lowered the temperature that would make it easier to drink. A hum escaped him as the liquid drained down into his throat. He never got tired of it. He felt chocolate on his lips as he lowered the cup, using his salmon-hued tongue to wipe away at the excess. He noticed that there was a slightly different taste to the chocolate. Killua having taste-tested different types of foods over the years as his training made him susceptible to any changes a food went through. It was primarily used to identify poisons but it could be used to deal with different flavors. It was a little bit sweeter than a regular hot chocolate directly outside of the package. "You add more sugar to this? Pretty awesome if you ask me." Killua would state with a light-hearted chuckle toward the albino leopard as he took another sip from the mug. Anything sugary was usually great to Killua's taste. Unless it was spicy. Then keep him away from it.

His eyes tracked her reaction to his last question and noticed a slight change in her body language. He caught her by surprise. He knew that as soon as she started talking there was a specific reason why the other had been out tonight. The albino serval then was given his answer when the other had wanted to see if he was okay or not. He definitely wasn't mentally, but physically he would heal in the next couple of weeks thanks to his stitch work that he had done a little after the incident. The assassin leaned back on his haunches in a relaxed manner, opening his mouth to start speaking while she was talking, but turned out that she wasn't finished. Then she started choking on a word that started with 'F', causing Killua to stop all of his actions for a second. His eyes seemed to be wide for a couple of seconds. Throughout his entire life, he had never had someone say that he was their friend. He was usually a nuisance to others and he had just accepted that about himself. Was she trying to call him his friend? She seemed hesitant. Why though? Contradicting questions rattled through his skull as he tried to figure out a way to probably respond. "Friend. You think of me as a friend?" Killua questioned the other, his tone not even remotely short to that of utter shock. He wasn't being rude toward her obviously, it was the simple factor that he didn't think it was actually happening. Could it though? She didn't know what he was though. She only saw him at the surface of what he really was because that's all he was willing to show. Either way though, he would wait for the other's response, as he seemed to remain shocked in this moment. He wasn't angry. He wasn't upset. He was simply surprised.

snowbound -- snowseeker -- male -- 8 moons

[shadow=darkblue,right]KILLUA[/shadow]

(HECK. Sorry this got hella long D : )

Killua had never really had time to grief about the one animal that he had considered to be his friend. Killua had even thought that he didn't deserve to grieve over the factor that he had been the one to kill them. The young male hadn't been given the option to be able to feel bad about the things that he had done, and instead, he was forced to work even harder than he had before when it came to his assassin training. It was rigorous work, and eventually had forgotten what had happened that day in his father's quarters and just focused on the job. It kept his mind busy, and it made it so that it wouldn't be difficult to slice the throats of those that he was commanded to kill. Killing his one and only friend that he had made in the past wasn't his first kill, as he had managed to kill several lives before that. The pup had been in the wrong place at the wrong time and would have been better off. Killua was born during a time where all of his parents and siblings were at peak performance. Even considering that they were Zoldycks he doubted that anyone of them would die soon. Being a Zoldyck, in general, wasn't something that was easy for really any of him and his siblings, as there were always groups out there that were designed specifically to try and kill them. Most had no idea what they were looking for as most didn't know what a Zoldyck member could even look like so it made his families job a whole lot easier. However, there were some of those that had dedicated their entire lives to try and get revenge against a Zoldyck member that had killed someone special to them. Whether that be a family member or even a lover for that matter. All of them had the same motives, and ultimately all of them were going to fail no matter how much they trained themselves. Sure, they could end up getting close to killing either him or one of his siblings, but ultimately they would come out on top and they would just be nothing than another corpse on the ground. Their efforts were wasted, which would probably haunt their soul for the rest of its existence, whether that was actually something that was real that happened he wasn't sure. His father was extremely powerful in every sense of the term, the dragon being able to silently move and change his shape in a matter of moments before killing someone. Killua often still looked up to his old man, as most young males did when they were born as most wanted to be like their fathers. Killua was no different as he believed that his father was in the right mind when it came to thinking about what Killua had wanted in life, even if he went against his wife's wishes. It was for the best of the family and everyone was going to have to wait for Killua to come back once his father died. Killua knew that he had at least five years before the likes of his father died. He knew that the old man wouldn't die from old age compared to his great-grandfather. None of them would. There was no peace for the life that he had lived, and there was no way he was going to get out of any of it. He was going to die in battle, and part of him was fine with that. Even if he wasn't going to kill those that he constantly came across, he still wanted to have some fun testing his skills in a fight.

That part of him that was never going to change. Killua didn't think that he deserved the likes of a peaceful death, he didn't see himself growing old in a clan where other's were going to have to take care of him because he was too old to do anything around. That would drive him insane as he didn't like being in one place anymore and constantly explored around the territories. Whether that territory was Snowbound or some other group it didn't really matter to him all that much. The assassin wanted to see everything, as he knew that his childhood was almost up in the first place. He wanted to see everything that his parents had tried to hide from him when he was just a kitten. He wanted to take in all the sights and sounds, all the different activities that were common but not something that he knew himself. Killua didn't care if someone called him a kid when he got excited over something as they didn't know what he had gone through to get here. He had to attack his own family to be able to get away from them to live the life he had now. Now, he wasn't going to kill any of his family despite all the horrible things that they did to him. He was still going to consider them family no matter how much he wanted to deny that fact. If any of his siblings died, he would probably grow somewhat upset and relieved at the same time. Upset, because it meant that someone probably had killed his sibling, which would piss him off and have him go looking at whoever had done that. And relieved because it meant that he would have one less creature to nag at him for his life choices. A twisted way of thinking, but it was the only way that Killua knew, and he always liked to think ahead of situations when they were presented in front of him. He hated being taken off guard, so he did everything that he could to keep his knowledge updated. Whether that was for reading books or exploring populated areas and looking at the locals to see how they interacted with each other. Hell, he would even do experiments, whether they be social or physical to figure out how much the clans could take of one thing, just so that he could use that information for later. Now that he was deputy, he could also use the excuse that it was for clan politics and that he was doing it for the likes of his clan. While in actuality he was just doing it for his own means and nothing else. He was selfish in that regard, as he expected those in the groups to be capable of protecting themselves instead of being defenseless children and whimpering when someone tried to raise a paw at them. Having been born a fighter, he wouldn't stand still while his body was beaten to a pulp, and instead, he would make sure to stand up and fight right back. It was more fun that way too. With the way that he was now, he wasn't really someone to hold a grudge for a large span of time. This was simply because of the fact that Killua knew that if he would hold a grudge it would get to the point that he would kill the creature that had done him wrong. That's what had happened in the past with those that had crossed his path and ended up living to tell the tale. They would be killed later on due to Killua's growing hatred toward them. Not wanting to kill other's now though, he wasn't sure holding a grudge would be a great idea.

Even if he hated the Typhoon after what had happened to Guru, he still didn't trust them. Maybe because him and the Typhoon were similar in the way that they constantly thought and tried to strategize each situation presented with them. Typhoon obviously harbored those that were killers, such as the white wolf herself. He wasn't all that different from them, and yet he saw in them what he didn't want to see in himself. He didn't want to be the killer that his parents had made him to be. He didn't want to kill other's with just a simple command from his family. It felt WRONG. The thought of him going back to his old self terrified him. It also terrified him because he knew how easy it would be to resort back to that state of mind. Like flipping a switch in the back of his head was all it could take to have him act like when he had killed those animals that he said he had killed in self defense. Those that he got close to seemed to suffer the same fate, but it wasn't from his own claws, but instead of the unlucky chances that surrounded them. Circusclown. Amorette. Ghost. All of them were basically dead. Circusclown had committed suicide and there wasn't anything Killua could have done to save the old man. Amorette died and her soul transferred into another body. It was the only explanation as to why she was a robot now. Ghost, well, he wasn't sure what had happened to the other male but he could bet the other had died as well just like the rest of the group. These are the thoughts that Killua had when it came to thinking about the creatures that he used to know in other clans. If he hadn't seen them in a long time, he was just going to think that they were dead so that he could spare himself the grief and just push it back to his mind. Any feelings could lead to weakness if he wasn't careful, and that could lead to trouble. He had to remain the calm and collected one, that occasionally got pissed off at those that were annoying. But other than that few had seen a wide range of emotions from him. Killua was greatly enjoying the hot chocolate that London had provided for him. He didn't know why he felt so comfortable around the female, but he knew one thing for certain was that she lacked confidence in herself. Apologizing for things that she didn't need to apologize for. He knew with his brash nature it could easily make her uncomfortable if he wasn't careful. Yet, he wanted to help her somehow gain confidence, because anyone could easily take advantage of her, and she wouldn't even realize. Such as creatures in Typhoon or Tanglewood for that matter. Killua raised the mug to his lips and took another long swig, the warmth of the liquid spreading to the rest of his body. Warmth wasn't a common feeling for him, but it was definitely welcomed when it did happen. His eyes watched the other as she laughed at herself for not realizing what she had been doing when it came to talking to other's in such a formal matter. He offered her a grin as he shrugged his shoulders toward her. "Well don't make me dictate how you speak to others. That's entirely up to you." Killua wasn't about to force her to do what he wanted that easily. That would be like him turning into his parents, and that would be the last thing he wanted. If the other had wanted books of course, the assassin wouldn't have minded conjuring up something for the female to read.

When he lived with his family, he constantly read books to keep his mind off of the training that he was going through, although most considered of biology books, he still wouldn't mind reading them instead of having his flesh carved. Being vigilant was the only thing that kept Killua alive up to this point. He was able to read his opponents like a book, figure out exactly when they were going to be attacking next thanks to their body language and the movement of their muscles. His speedy nature made it easy for him to take on animals that were several times his size and with efficiency. One that had been taught by his brother who was a tiger, but ultimately a lot faster than he was despite the species difference. Hence why he was a light sleeping, his ears always listening to hear if something was coming toward him in his sleep. Having been the one on the returning end of assassinating someone while they were sleeping, he didn't want to have the same happen to him. It was almost impossible for anyone to sneak up on the likes of the deputy, as he was always looking at his surroundings. If someone had managed to catch him off guard, it would be obvious that something was wrong. So he had been corrected in that notion, although he had phrased it as a question to at least give the other satisfaction. London seemed to be almost great at everything that she did, and it almost made him jealous. He doubted he would ever be as considerate as she was, as he looked at everything too logically. "If you wanted to you could practically sell these, it's that good." Killua offered with the grin still placed across his facial features. Although there was a feeling that was starting to develop in the pit of his stomach. He didn't like it, it was making him uncomfortable. He was trying his damned best to ignore it for now though. Then came the question that he had asked before that he had been confused about. The word friend wasn't something that he would openly toss around like everyone else who did it so casually. It would mean a lot for anyone to consider him as a friend, and the same way around. He hadn't developed a friend, and despite him desperately trying to, he wasn't sure if he could trust anyone. He knew how the clans were going to act if he did deliver them the truth. Fear. Constant fear. And yet here London was, she wasn't terrified of him, or at least she wasn't showing it in her body language or her eyes. She was genuinely here, and he wasn't sure what to make of the female. Was she even from the clans? He basically knew nothing about her either other than the condition that she had with her blood and that she obviously had been through some trauma considering the way she spoke to others. Something horrible that he wasn't going to ask her about. Killua took on small sip from the mug that he was drinking from and put his paws back down on the ground as silence passed between the two albino's. Yes, I do. The words again seemed to come to a shock toward the male, and his eyes widened a slight fraction again as he looked slightly up at the larger wildcat.

She considered him a friend. Killua could basically feel his throat tighten as several thoughts when through his head. And of course, the whispers began to start, as they always did when something good was happening to him so that it could cause him even more anxiety that he had. He had removed his paws from the mug and had them in the snow, and he turned his face away. "She will betray you the moment you turn your back toward her." Killua's left ear flicked at the harsh words that were repeated over and over again. Illumi had always said that he would kill those that got too close to him, and so far that was true except for Amorette who was still technically living at this point. Is there something wrong with that? Killua could give off a thousand reasons why it was wrong. Why it was a horrible idea to even get close to him. She probably still believed what he had done to those two animals that died still had been self-defense, while it had been his brother turning on his switch without him realizing it. Killua's jaw clenched, and his ears were soon pinned against his head. He was staring at the ground, and he seemed to shake. None of the emotion that was expressed was him being angry, but instead, it was something else. There was no hostility or bloodlust coming off of him. "...Why?" His voice was almost a whisper, but it almost sounded pain. He tried everything that he could to keep the fear from enveloping his body like a poison, and yet it was creeping into his throat. It was SUFFOCATING. "Why? I've done... nothing to deserve it. I'm horrible. I've hurt so many people. You don't know what I am. All the terrible things I've done..." Killua had raised one of his slightly pink paws as he stared at it, the hallucination of it being covered in blood. You don't care about making friends. All you care about is learning how to kill them. That's how I taught you. Killua kept his jaw shut for a second to keep himself from yelling out in frustration against the words in his head. He knew this. He KNEW this. He had already counted how many different ways that he could kill the clouded leopard. It wasn't hard. It had never been hard, and yet he didn't want to do that. He just wanted a friend. Killua clenched his paw and dug the tips of his metal claw into the pads of his paw. He felt no pain. Small droplets of blood forming where he stabbed the paw pad. "After what happened two days again, I've seen the way other's look at me. They're afraid. What I did to Ivylee, the fear in her eyes. All of them are afraid of me. Part of me wishes that they are so that they avoid me before they get hurt." A bitter chuckle escaped his jaws as he still refused to look up at the clouded leopard, and instead put his clenched paw back down on the ground. "Yet... yet here you are. You... aren't afraid of me. I can see that in your eyes, the way you hold yourself, and still I don't understand. I want so badly to..." Killua's voice cracked when he spoke, immediately making him stop speaking. He was showing too much emotion. He knew this. He wanted to shut himself away, and yet he was being drawn forward by his goal. Finally, he raised his head to look into eyes that were a similar hue to his own. There was no anger present in them. Instead, he looked afraid. Afraid of what could happen. And yet he was pleading. Pleading for help out of the curse that his family had put onto him. "If you knew the truth.... you'd try to get as far away from me as possible. And I still don't want to be the thing that I am." Please don't leave. Killua thought to himself in a silent plea. He was tired. He was so tired. He didn't want to be alone anymore. He wanted someone to know. And yet he refused to tell anyone, carrying his burden with him. No tears should shed from his eyes, but it was obvious that he was in distress. Maybe this was wrong. Maybe London would go into a panic for what he said. Rejection. That's another issue that he feared, and he knew that it was more than likely to happen. He didn't know her. Could he even trust her? She was always around. She was much better at dealing with other's than he was. The words hung in the air, and he wanted for her response, more than ready to teleport away if things went bad.

snowbound -- snowseeker -- male -- 8 moons

[shadow=darkblue,right]KILLUA[/shadow]

Fear was an easy emotion to bring out of any animal that was around. It wouldn't be difficult for Killua to figure out ways to make other's afraid of him in just a couple seconds. Sure, he didn't look intimidating compared to some of the creatures that were around, but he could make them realize that he could be their worst fears. He didn't use all of his powers just walking around, and kept most of them hidden from those that were around him to just make sure. The assassin could dwell into the minds of those that he had ended up capturing. He could dig and dig until he found their worst fears and cause them to hallucinate them. Maybe that's how Illumi was able to manipulate him so much, although he didn't really know all the different ways that Illumi could manipulate someone. Him and his siblings kept their powers hidden from one another in case they needed to use one another or to use their powers as a trump card to get them out of a stressful situation. He noticed the look that other's gave him when he did reveal himself to those that thought he was just some sort of regular kid that meat nothing to them. Expendable. Technically anyone in the world was expendable if no one cared about them enough. That's practically how the clans ran themselves after all. However, Killua only got those looks from other creatures if they were his victims. Killua had never thought about it before, but he had enjoyed the look that his victims had given him, because it meant that he was doing the job that his family had tasked him with correctly. Having never wanted to disappoint them after all, as he wanted to be the best son that he could possibly be. He wanted to win their approval which he rarely got unless he did something amazing to gather their attention. Killua didn't yearn to see those looks from his victims anymore. It was almost repetitive to see the fear in other's eyes, and half the time he just pretended like he didn't notice either. He tried to play it off like nothing had ever happened, but the doubt that would radiate off of other's would always be there. He remembered the first clan that he had been stationed in, and everyone had tried to welcome him, even with the sarcastic tone that he always had with himself. He carried himself with confidence, and that confidence pissed other's off because it made it seem like they were challenging them based on their abilities. Which wasn't wrong. There wasn't much to do in the clan that Killua had enjoyed, or figured out would actually be that enjoyable. He ended up having a lot of social anxiety when he wasn't trying to get his job done and actually interact with other's in a nice manner. He didn't trust himself to say the right words, and knew that other's would judge him so what would be in the point interacting with other animals? So, he avoided them until he got bored to the point that he needed some social interaction other than the interactions that he had with the voices in his head. The group that he was with for the first time didn't know what he was, but he got plenty of hateful glances from those that were around him. They didn't like his attitude and how he constantly spoke his mind whether or not it was rude. He never took other's emotions into consideration when he spoke and he didn't really do that now because why should he care?

One of those faces that he remembered specifically was Pierce. The other had been around when Killua had been stationed in that clan, and he remembered the looks the other had given the corpses of the targets that he had to get rid of that ended up on the border. Killua and Pierce didn't really get along with one another because they were the entire opposite personalities. Pierce didn't tolerate the language that Killua used, and Killua over chastised Pierce for being weak despite how big he always seemed to talk about himself. Or at least try to hold himself up to that standard, and it just made Killua laugh because he could see a bluff when he saw it. The two often got into arguments, and nothing happened between the two males before Killua ultimately left after sustaining serious injuries from his brother once his family realized that he had failed his first mission to kill that clan leader. It was a disgrace when it first did happen, and for a moment Killua thought that he was going to be killed for his failed assassination attempt. It had made his job difficult because he wasn't able to gather enough information on the leader's powers to make an attempt at her life completely successful. So when he did target the female, he was surprised to see how strong she was, being the same species as him obviously. She had accepted him with open arms when he first joined, and he originally thought that kindness as weakness. But the female had been leader for so long there had probably been several other previous attempts on her life. The leader didn't know what Killua was up to that very moment. Killua had used all of the stops to try and kill the clan leader, but ultimately he was overpowered for the first time in his life. It confused him. Not only that though, he became immediately afraid. Despite having so many near-death experiences over his life, Killua didn't want to die. He was young and knew that if he kept running away from his family he would be able to experience what the world was like around him, and maybe for once, he wouldn't end up being alone. The assassin had plans for his life, yet with the trident that was pointed toward his throat he knew that he couldn't beat the clan leader. Fear coursed through his body for the first time since he was just a kitten, and he waited for the killing blow to be delivered toward him. He had sustained injuries to himself, while the injuries given to the clan leader were mild and barely bleeding. She was strong. She didn't kill him. She made her weapon disappear, and spoke to him in kind words that Killua couldn't understand. Instead, all he could hear was the voice in the back of his mind telling him not to face an opponent that he couldn't beat. And that made him teleport away from the scene, and he tried to act like nothing had ever happened. The clan leader never spoke out in public about the assassination attempt. She constantly regarded him with as mile that set his nerves on fire because he didn't UNDERSTAND. He had just tried to take her life and yet she was remaining kind despite all that had happened. It went against all the logic that he had been told.

He would have guessed that she would have been furious with him and try to drive him off, but none of that happened. Instead, she continued to promote him through their ranks, despite him not doing much and just being around. Even with the sour attitude that he constantly had toward clanners, he started to mend in with them little by little. Ultimately his older brother ended up getting involved when he had never reported back whether he had killed the clan leader so that the client could pay them for their hard work. The assassin had to face his brother and there was no point in lying because the other would be able to see through it. The wildcat said the truth, and said that he didn't want to go back home with him. It was there that he was beaten within inches of his life, left bleeding in the snow. The clanners had tried to help him, but he immediately refused their help knowing that he could patch up his own wounds. He had tried to move from the spot that he had been in, but ultimately passed out from blood loss thanks to his smaller body. Zoldyck's didn't know what it meant to be kind. They knew how to hold their power over other creatures heads and force them to give them whatever they wanted without resistance. Any resistance would be met with their death, whether it be quick or slow it didn't matter. They only knew pain that they had been given through training. Killua's training even more extensive than the rest of his siblings to a slight degree because he was supposed to be the heir to the family business. Killua had a feeling that made his siblings jealous, and that meant he would never end up getting along with them, as they all wanted the fortune. Maybe Kalluto wouldn't hate him since they didn't seem all that interested in being a heir and maybe even cared about their older brother. He doubted that he would ever get a chance to ask the other though. Killua's ears soon began to un-pin themselves from the back of his head as they raised themselves for what the female had to say. He should have expected it. He really should have, but his like of being social toward other's would be his downfall. There was no hatred in the female word's when she spoke, and instead they sounded understanding. That confused him. She didn't seem to like the concept of death, and yet she continued to deny the past that had been dealt toward him. A past that he had never asked to happen. "Pleasant words...." Killua would echo to himself, in a confused tone that those rarely ever spoke with him had heard. He always spoke with such confidence, and now he was hesitating to even say another single world. His had been adverted from her similar gaze again as he looked down at his paw. He noticed the sound of rustling and noticed that there were bandages in her paw. She.... was worried about the injury he had just caused himself? It was so minor though, and he didn't even feel the pain that could have been there. His eyes moved toward the bandaged wound on his left shoulder and the wound to his right side. Both of which had been caused by him. Would she think differently of him if she knew that he had staged everything instead of being honest? Despite the way that London carried herself, she was strong-willed to be willing to talk to someone that could kill her easier than the caracal had tried to do almost several weeks ago. The scar that was across her body remnants of what he had done, but hadn't been quick enough to have it avoid the injury entirely. Maybe he should have if she was this willing to try and keep him calm and be there for her.

Why though? There always had to be incentive for everything, and thousands of questions bustled in his head. You are a puppet of darkness. You only care about taking the lives of others. The voice rang out in his head as a reminder that the doubt he always had was because of his family. He knew that his older brother was probably right, and yet he continued to want to spite his family and prove them wrong. Prove to them that they should have taken his goals and wants in life into consideration. Had they ever thought that he didn't want to be an assassin? They had just pushed their own agenda onto him, without a word. At her words about how the body didn't scare her, he couldn't help but laugh. It was soft and short, and probably wasn't the best time to laugh. It almost sounded ridiculous that the bodies didn't scare her. Looking back at the situation, she hadn't kept her distance from him when she approached the scene, and had approached him like it was any other day. Only caring about injuries. Only caring about his injuries. Killua felt his throat clench up at the thought of allowing other's through the wall that he had built. No. That his family had built for him. "The corpses didn't scare you, huh? You're certainly something else." Was it a compliment? Maybe. He certainly didn't sound like he was being rude though. It was true, most clanners that he had seen come across corpses would almost vomit their guts out and try to run away from the scene as much as possible. There was a possibility that the fellow albino could have blocked it from her mind, but from what the other stated it was obvious that she didn't have a good childhood like he did, and it probably was terrible for her. She was a little bit older than him after all, meaning that she had a little bit more experience with extended life than he did. The muscles around his shoulder tensed at her last couple of words. She was willing to trust him that much? The female didn't seem at all concerned after he had said such horrible things about himself. She never had a real friend before, and that made Killua swallow. He was probably the worst choice for anyone to pick as a first friend. He was destructive. He knew that. The self inflicted wounds across his body were mementos to that. He was unstable. Night terrors, auditory hallucinations. He had the entire package, and he wouldn't be surprised if someone called him crazy. Killua let out a shaky breath as he finally raised his head again to look at the albion clouded leopard. His eyes seemed to be calculated and less in distress as he was forcing the voice in the back of his head away. His telepathy seemed to be hlping in that regard, thankfully. Killua was looking at the female debating whether or not to reveal who he was. He doubted that he would have control over his body like this again for a while, so he might as well. Killua soon grew nervous, even visibly shuffling his white paws in the snow, and running his pink tongue over his lips, before he directed his gaze upward between the trees that surrounded them as he looked up at the cloudless sky. Up into the stars. Silence passed between them, before Killua finally spoke. "My full name is Killua Zoldyck. Whether or not the last name sounds familiar to you or not. There's a reason I never state my last name. I come from a family of assassins. Every single one of us are professional assassins, my mother, father all of them." Killua lowered his head again to look at the paw that he had pierced with his claws but just seemed to stare at the claws again as he thought about his past.

A bitter smile spread across his facial features. "They have high hopes for me, saying I was going to be the best assassin that ever existed in the world. They had my entire life planned out for me based on their expectations. Who the hell wants to have any of that? Eventually, the killing grew stagnant, and as I was able to explore the world I saw the way other's smiled. How animals that were the same age as me didn't have to worry about when the next poison injection would be or the next torture session. Or figuring out when the guards would be gone to sneak in to be able to kill a target. I saw them as they enjoyed life and I... envied them." A neutral look spread across his features. Part of him was telling him to stop talking. He was revealing too much about himself. Yet, he was tired of being alone. He was tired of being afraid, and having other's being afraid of him even if they had a valid reason to be. "After my first failed assassination attempt in my life, I was forced back home. I couldn't take it anymore though. I left home, having to stab my mother and brother just to get away from the damned place. I've gone through every sort of training imagineable, and breaking the habits that my family drilled into me aren't easy. I've taken more lives than a warbound clan or anti-clan put together. I stopped keeping count a long time ago." Killua stated in a perfectly calm voice, and he was waiting to see the horror that might eventually pass across London's face as he looked up at her from the paw that was still unsheathed and raised in the air. He glanced over her for a second as he used the raised paw to remove the bandages that were covering his left shoulder, hovering his claws over it, as if trying to make a point at how clean of a cut the injury was. "I lied about it being self-defense. These wounds are wounds I inflicted by myself, as I killed them before they could even fight back. I don't know.... what happened that day. Something... triggered like muscle memory. I hadn't been getting sleep and my body... just moved." A pained tone now replaced the calm one as he moved his paw from his shoulder to the front of his face, his brow furrowing as the pain increased through his head. Like a massive headache. He breathed heavily for a second before he forced himself to be calm again, his body language not expressing the emotions that he was internally feeling. "I'm a killer. My paws are stained with blood for all those that I've killed. I've killed things that are much larger than I am, dragons, mythical creatures, they're basically nothing compared to me. Sometimes I got tasked to kill clan leaders, and I have, but I don't take jobs anymore. I just.... want to live a normal life." Killua's wish came out in the end, and it seemed to be quick to be whisked away by the wind. Killua kept his jaw shut after that, and he would sneak glances toward London. He didn't mention the scars that littered his body, basically leaving no regular skin covering his body, instead all of it being scar tissue from the torture trainings that his family had done to him. Or how he barely felt pain anymore and basically felt numb for most of his life. How even trying to touch him would usually have other's recoil to how cold his skin constantly was. Thanks to his elemental powers but still. He waited. He waited and hoped for something that might not even happen.

snowbound -- snowseeker -- male -- 8 moons